sensitive way to break my news?

[sleeplessinderbyshire]

I work in a small organisation. We have a trainee with us (like graduate trainee she's late 20s not teenage or anything) she was pregnant but had miscarriage a month or so ago. She'd told me she was PG (I am her mentor) and I have done my best to support her through a tricky patch as she was understandably very sad to miscarry. Trouble is I found out I was pregnant the week after her m/c. She was meant to move on to a different organisation this month so I hadn't told her (and I am only 9 weeks anyway so not telling the world). Now due to a variety of reasons she's staying with our team for another 6 months. Clearly she'll need to know sometime but i know she's still feeling really wobbly about life and pregnant people (because she's told me so in relation to her neighbour being preganant) and has be effusive in her thanks to me and the others in my dept for supporting her and cutting her a bit of slack (she's very talented so it's not exactly been a hardship having her here!)

Planning to go public after my 12 week scan. Thinking I should tell her first, maybe on a friday evening at the end of the day so she has the weekend to digest the info and then tell the rest of the team on Monday morning. Does this sound right or am I overthinking things? I am so worried she'll be upset I didn't tell her sooner/have been supporting her through her tough patch without being entirely truthful (to be fair it's not like she's asked if I was PG it just feels like bad timing)

Firstly congrats on your pregnancy.

As for your trainee: she may understand reluctance to tell people before 12 weeks, so, I don't think she will be upset that you did not tell her earlier, but she may well be upset and find it difficult to be with you.

Having said that, when I have miscarried I have found some pregnant women, I am just pleased to see them and others I have to avoid totally for the pain it evokes. She may be ok with you being pregnant or she might avoid you when she can, but please don't take it personally either way.

Do try to tell her before others, it will help.

I think telling her first would be the right thing to do. I had a M/C in July all my colleagues knew and were a great support (i too work in a small organisation).

One of my colleagues who i'm quite close too fell pg and everyone knew before me i was last to know and she didn't even have the courage to tell me herself! I would of appreciated her telling me. Of course it is difficult to see her and her bump but i am very pleased for her.

I'm now going through a threatened M/C again and have told no-one at work apart from my bosses.

Good luck and congrats.

I've been on both sides of this kind of news. If i were you I would sit down with her in a quiet corner with some tea and cake and tell her, while also telling her that you appreciate it's going to be hard for her. Also refer to her baby as a baby. I hate it when my babies are refered to as "what happened", "things" (eg "you're being really brave about things") or when people ask if I'm feeling better as if I'd had the flu.

You sound a nice boss.

Having suffered several miscarriages before having DD I am familiar with the guilt inducing urge to avoid pregnant people. I think it is really kind of you to consider your trainee's feelings.

I think your plan is the best way to tell her. The only downside may be that if other colleagues find out that you told her first, it kind of highlights the fact that she is struggling. So you could ask her if she would prefer to give the impression that she hadn't been told in advance.

If I was in your trainees shoes before conceiving DD, I would have been pleased for you but my own grief would have been temporarily heightened by your news. I would have appreciated bring told on a Friday evening so I could go home, have a cry and get used to it over the weekend.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy. You sound like you will make a super mummy.

You sounds very sensitive!

My vote would be to tell her on email sent at the weekend, I know that sounds weird butI found it a lot easier to deal with news that way than being told face to face and trying to mask the fact that I really really felt like crying. She will be happy for you but it will as others have said, feel like a bit of a stab in the heart and a reminder of what she had lost. Via email she can react as she wants and has some time to compose herself before seeing you face to face and congratulating you.

Congrats by the way!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Weird though it may seem, I am completely with farfallrocks on this one. An email is the way forward. That way, she doesn't have to fight back tears in your company, making you both feel even worse. It may well be that she is fine with pregnancy news coming from a colleague/ mentor, but there is nothing worse than being stuck in a situation you can't politely get out of, particularly if she feels she must be very congratulatory - as she undoubtedly will given your relationship.

I endured pg news from various people after my MC - some delivered very kindly and some not so kindly. I personally found it far harder to deal with pregnancy news coming from close friends and family, but we are all different. One of my closest friends had the sensitivity to send me a letter when she fell pg. It was a bloody good job because it made me howl!

You really sound like a lovely boss. As others have said, try not to take it personally if she struggles to be around you. It's no reflection on you, just the fact that there's a constant, ever-growing visual reminder of what she's lost on your front.