Isn't it OK to be really mad at the world?

[Chooqueen]

so, I'm new on here so forgive me if I've posted this in the wrong place. My MC story isn't unusual I know but I'm old (43) I got pregnant naturally last year and had to have a D&C at 8 weeks following a blighted ovum. Having opted for DE IVF this year (no joy in between times with my ever dwindling egg supply) have lurched from the joy of a positive test to the heartbreak of no heartbeat 5 weeks later. At first I felt like an utter failure that I couldn't even keep a donor's egg alive but now, I just feel utterly, utterly miserable. What's worse is that I'm having to put a brave face on things, more it seems, to save the feelings of others than because it's how I feel.

My DP, being the practical sort, has already put it behind him and is already focused on "let's try again" and can't understand that I'm not even sure I have the strength to try again, three miscarriages would be too much. What's more he's not shown much sensitivity lately which has really p*ed me off - in the throes of MC he told me, in full Disney mode, not to show that I was upset as his DD was with us and couldn't know that I was losing the baby we hadn't told her was coming... Even worse, he's ready to DTD and I can tell, is feeling rejected that I'm not - largely because the MC isn't over. The advice to go for Cytotec rather D&C has turned out be pants - I'll find out on Monday whether a D&C will be necessary after all.

I feel like I'm surrounded by people having babies or with them, not just on the TV but close to home and I can't bloody well stand it. My DP's ex is coming to host DSD's birthday party at our house tomorrow, which would, in normal circumstances, be fine save for the fact that she'll be coming with her 4 month old latched to her hip - she's the same age as me and is the living embodiment of everything I don't have. My DP thinks that calling me "mum" to his DD (who I adore) is enough but it isn't she isn't and will never be mine, I just get the part-time gig. It all feels so bloody well unfair and I can't see a time when I won't think that! Maybe I'll feel differently in time but until that happens why should I have to hide how I feel?

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, it's utterly devastating, and the only advice I can give is to allow yourself to feel how you feel - your DP isn't experiencing the same emotions as you, which is really hard, and he's not handling it well, but try, if you can, not to focus on that right now. Just tell him that you need to go through your own process, and that although he may not be able to understand, he needs to accept that, and that such acceptance and support will go a long way towards getting you back on something like an even keel.

Everyone reacts differently, and feeling like you have to fight or suppress your own emotions really doesn't help. fwiw, after losing dd1, I realised that seeing other babies wasn't quite as bad as I'd feared, as it wasn't that baby I wanted, just my own wee girl. Seeing pregnant women is hard, it really is, but in time the pain fades, and whatever the future holds, you do find a home for the pain and sadness, and a way of living side by side with it.

I do have a friend a wee bit older than you who had a m/c after DE IVF - her wee boy will be turning 2 early next year, if that's a little bit of hope.

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through.
I think you have found the right place to vent your feelings. I trawled through every post on this site after an ectopic pregnancy last month and found it really helped to know others were in a similar situation.
DPs don't always understand...
Good luck dealing with the party today.