Am I wrong to be feeling like this?

[AnnaMariaWhiskers]

Hi - I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment. I was sent to the EPA a week and a half ago following bleeding. I was expecting to be 9 weeks, but the scan showed the 'baby' hadn't developed beyond 5, and was only really a sac. I had a few blood tests showing hormone not increasing much at all, and today had another scan showing the sac had decreased in size. I've had a lot of bleeding and pain over the weekend, so assumed I was miscarrying and wasn't surprised by today's news. I've been sent home with painkillers and another EPA appointment in 2 weeks. (Sorry this is a long story).
My DH has been kind and supportive, but I think it's all got a bit too much for him and he's fed up with the whole situation. He thinks that I should get over it now, because I've had a week and a half of being miserable, and it never even was a baby anyway (which I disagree with, even if I'm wrong). I know that he's really upset and his practical man's brain is looking for a solution and to fix it - that's how he copes. He just wants this episode to be put behind us and we'll start again. But it makes me feel like I'm some kind of drama queen who really should be perfectly fine and getting back to normal by now. I'm not purposefully dwelling on it, I'm trying to do things to take my mind off it. But I don't know what to do, I think his attitude is making me feel worse rather than better. Where's the balance? How can I get back to normal while being devestated at the same time? Maybe there aren't any answers, but I just needed to share this. I could do with a hug.
Thank you x

I am so so sorry you are feeling this way, I am also currently miscarrying. I have my scan tomorrow but I have already 'passed' the embryo so I know it's over.

A huge hug for you.

Your DH will also be struggling with his feelings, with my first mc my DH ended up building a patio the sheer effort of it helped him get through his anger and frustration.

Perhaps you could talk to your DH about marking your loss in some way, and explaining to him why it would be important and helpful? We bought a plant to put on the new patio and funnily enough it flowered yesterday.

We will do something similar to mark this loss.

Sorry if this is hijacking your thread somewhat. There are some good advice leaflets on the miscarriage association website, I think there is one aimed at men too help them cope too.

I really am berry sorry for your loss.

Hi, I am so sorry to hear about your news. I don't think you can even begin to get over this at least until after your next appt in 2 weeks. I am assuming here that they may give you something to help you deliver the sac, sorry I don't mean to be in anyway insensitive. You have had a loss and need a little time to grieve. And topping that off you can't have closure at the moment because by the sound of your post you are still carrying what would have developed into your baby. Give yourself some time and allow yourself the knowledge that it is ok to feel rubbish at the moment. With regards to DH he sounds as though he may be quite supportive but not really understand but maybe that's not his fault. They never seem to meet our expectations!! (my exp) but I wish you all the best and honestly, give yourself some time and allow some tears and you will feel better soon. Sending you hugs

Im so sorry for your loss AnnaMW & Munkiii - trust me i had mine in June 2011 and still dealing with it reminders come as waves on and off! seeing big bellies and wondering i would be that by now!
men have a clinical way of dealing for they dont know what to say or do and i found coming on her with women that understand my feelings and allowing me to grieve really help!
Please im sending you a massive hug and i hope that as time passes that you heal and look forwards without feeling so sad!

Thank you for all your kind messages, and so sorry for your losses too. Isn't it amazing how someone so tiny can have such a massive affect on your life? I'm feeling more positive today, so I'll make the most of it! My DH is back at work today, so I hope he has a good day and that will help with some of the cabin fever. He really is lovely and I don't mean to criticise him - men are just wired differently so it's great to have you ladies to chat to.
Munkii I hope everything goes as well as it can at your scan today. My DH didn't make a patio, but cleaned the windows, which I suppose is a good thing! Thank you for pointing me to the misscarriage association leaflets, they really help.
Firefly thank you for your wise words - I know things will get better in time
CountMB I can understand the wondering and reminders - my sis-in-law is due to have her baby a couple of months before I would have had mine, so that's going to be hard
Thanks again x

Anna my DH was very similar. The whole process of mc took us about 2 weeks, from being first told the sac was empty at what should have been 8 weeks, so passing the baby and it all being over. DH said the very first scan was when he git upset, and then tried to move on, whereas for me I couldn't move on until it was all completely over. At the end of the day, its completely different when you actually carry the baby. For the men, they are mourning quite an abstract concept, whereas you are the one actually miscarrying.

You're not being a drama queen, give yourself whatever time you need x

Oh darling, I'm so sorry. Can I be blunt and say you won't get over it so stop trying to? Over time the pain will pass, you'll get less sensitive and you'll be able to think a little straighter. But you'll never forget and you will have days where you cry for no reason at all (until you suddenly realise what the reason is iyswim) Sit your DP down when you're reasonably calm & explain how upset you are, tell him how real this pregnancy was for you and that you still need support now, and will do for some time. He needs to be ready to deal with tears on your due date, when others announce their pregnancies etc.

I was 'lucky' in that DP was serving overseas when I miscarried (bear with me, that's not the lucky bit!) so was automatically offered counselling on his return. He ended up talking about the miscarriage rather than the tour & got some really helpful advice to be able to support me better.

If you don't think DP will be able to support you properly then find someone who will. A friend, your mum, a counsellor, us, just someone! Keep talking. Keep knowing that what you're feeling is normal.

I promise it gets easier, but you won't forget.

Sending you MASSIVE hugs.

Hi sorry to hear what you are going through, I just wanted to share what I have been through lately and say that (for today at least) there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I started bleeding 3 weeks ago tomorrow when I should have been 7 weeks, after numerous trips to the GP I was finally referred to EPU last Monday where I had a scan which showed the sac yet no heartbeat - didn't know what to think or how to feel, the nurses were lovely and said this was pretty normal for the amount of weeks and booked me in to go back yesterday. In my heart I knew that things weren't right but tried to stay positive and went back to work. I then started bleeding quite heavily on Thursday and knew deep down that I had lost my baby. DP has been lovely throughout but has irritated me with his 'practical' advice over the last few weeks even though I know he is gutted and hates seeing me so upset. We sat down at the weekend (with a bottle of wine that I had most of!!) and I explained as best I could how I felt, I genuinely think it did us good because we were on the verge of rowing about everything. I now feel he understands much more.
On my DP's insistance I called the EPU and was told to go in as planned yesterday (really really hard) where they scanned me and confirmed that I had had a 'complete' miscarriage. Heartbreaking even though I knew.... I went home and cried for hours, almost obsessing over what could have been etc, devastated that my soon to be born neice or nephew will not have a cousin the same age, my step kids will not have a baby brother or sister that they would adore - you name it I cried over it.
The positive thing is that today I feel a little more like my normal self, I feel that I can move on in really small steps and look to the future. My heart is breaking but my body is moving on and hopefully preparing itself for a successful pregnancy in the near future - fingers crossed!
Sending you all big hugs and positive vibes for the future xxx
PS sorry this post is so long!

Also, don't forget about 3 days after your hormones drop you will feel really, really bad, due to the drop in hormones. This is totally normal, and you will feel overwhelmed.

Take it easy xx

Thank you again for all your wise words and help. It's a horrible experience, but it's so good to have the support of others going through the same situation. x x

Men react very differently to mc and are very unlikely to talk about it with their friends as we do or on MN. He may deep down feel it is his fault you are going through this, feel guilty that it is you Going through all the medical procedure or deep down feel that he can't face this again. How I wish they talked more!

It took us weeks from first scan to getting the all clear that hormones levels had returned to normal. Now we are the other side, I can see how low and unwell I was. Give yourself space and find a RL friend you can talk to and continue with the wine!