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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Getting more, not less, upset

14 replies

notnowImreading · 29/10/2011 17:13

I've had two miscarriages now - one in June, one in September. I think I've been okay so far. Obviously upset at the time but feeling that there was nothing to be done so just getting on with life. First time was very much 'oh, it happens to so many first pregnancies' and 'at least you know you can get pregnant' (couldn't you just punch someone who says that to you when you're miscarrying?). Second time it was more 'what rotten luck' and 'at least you know what's happening to you this time'.

Four weeks later, I'm finding that the sad feelings are worse than ever. I have no one to talk to about it as my mum is away and all but one of my friends are either pregnant or have new babies. My DH is a rock but sometimes I just want to talk to someone else. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I'm so afraid to try again and lose another baby. Getting pregnant feels like getting sick with a disease that ends in miscarriage. I want to try again, but it's so hard. I keep thinking that I can't carry a child and will be one of those aunties that hugs a bit too long.

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freelancescientist · 29/10/2011 20:15

I was in exactly your position. My good as gold GP was wonderful, however, and I was seen in a preconception clinic before ttc number 3.

I also went to a few support group meetings of the Miscarriage Association - I know this is not for everyone but it got me past the feeling that everyone else could get and stay pregnant, just not me.

Luckily number 3 was a sticker - but I had the reassurance of knowing that I'd had the tests for recurrent miscarriage, and as far as they could tell we'd just been unlucky (no shit). I did take low dose aspirin, but I think the main thing was the extra care and lots of reassurance scans from 6 weeks onwards.

All practical advice, and actually what you probably wanted was a bit of handholding, sorry! But I was there, and it was awful, and the second loss was much much harder than the first, because no-one knew what to say. Loads of flowers and cards after number 1, after number 2 it was like I'd developed some bad luck infection that might be catching.

Miscarriage is so terribly sad, and it is a really lonely grief. Have a very unmumsnetty hug........

Original poster

notnowImreading · 29/10/2011 22:46

Thank you Freelance - practical is great, actually.

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gigglepin · 29/10/2011 22:57

Yup, i found this too.
I had physical pain & distress to deal with for the 1st 2 weeks, after that, the bleeding stops, the physical pain is no more, but then you start to think and take in what has happened and the injustice of it and the sadness and the impact of the reality that your baby is gone.

So,it is worse, i find.

However, there came a time when i did feel that enough was enough, time to get on with stuff, but i did still feel the need to have wee sobs & to talk about it to dh. Then came the due dates, and folk who were pregnant at the same time as me progressing, so i feel justified in coninuing to be sad.
I hope that you feel some peace soon love, we are here & kinda know what you mean x

satinandsilk · 29/10/2011 23:27

hi, i've never quite understood why hugs are "unmumsnetty" ? are mumsnetters too cool to hug or what?
Anyway, that's a side issue. Having two miscarriages is crap. I was like you. First one, I was philosophical. Upset for a day or two, and that was that. Felt quite proud of how okay I was about it. The second one knocked me back a bit - I felt it was seriously bad luck and pretty unfair, but I still thought it was just that - bad luck. Then I had a third, and that was serious shit. That's when I thought, uh oh, I have a problem. And we went for all the tests, and they couldn't find anything, and they told us to just try again. So I did. And then I had a fourth, and that time. the world really did come tumbling down.
I won't bore you with more details now, - this is not about me; it's about you - but I do want you to know that I now have a ten month old baby girl, and all the misery of those miscarriages made her all the more worth it. If it can work out for someone who had four unexplained miscarriages in a row, chances are you'll end up with a beautiful baby too.
Hang in there. I promise you that when your baby finally arrives, he/she will feel 1000 times more special for the journey you've been on. I know it doesn't feel like that now.

Original poster

notnowImreading · 30/10/2011 08:40

Oh Satin, congratulations! That is really good to hear. I've been feeling so sorry for myself, but it really does help to hear that other people out there have similar experiences. I know quite a few women who've had one miscarriage but no one who's had two and certainly no one who hasn't gone on to have babies soon after mc - mumsnet's good for knowing I'm not a lonely freak of nature. Thanks to all of you for replying to what I know is a self-pitying ramble.

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Original poster

notnowImreading · 30/10/2011 08:43

Gigglepin, it sounds as if we are in the same boat. My best friend's baby is due on the same day as the due date of my first pregnancy - not looking forward to that one. How are you managing now? Do you mind my asking when your mcs were? Have you been offered any testing or thought about that at all?

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Georgimama · 30/10/2011 08:48

I had a mc in December 2008 and another in June 2009. I was upset by the first, but not excessively so. I was very upset by the second for the first few weeks but then felt that I had "got over" it. However as the months slipped by without becoming pregnant again I began to dwell on it more and wonder whether I would in fact ever conceive again and if I did, whether I could in fact ever carry to term again (I had a DS in 2007). I was particularly concerned that the long labour and 3 degree tear I had in labour might have damaged me in some way.

So I think to become more upset is quite common and natural, particularly as you now have friends who are pregnant.

If it gives you any hope, I have now had another baby, a DD in July this year.

Moominsummermadness · 30/10/2011 11:17

Notnow, I'm sorry to hear that you're finding it very difficult. I was on the freak out room thread with you. At my dating scan I found out that the baby had died at 7 weeks, and ended up with an ERPC. I can understand what you mean about feeling like you don't know what to do with yourself, I'm going through a bit of that too. Also the being afraid of it happening again- this was my 2nd miscarriage in 6 months, and even if I get pregnant, I will just expect it to end in miscarriage. But there are lots of women who go on to have a healthy child, so please try to remember that.

Thinking of you, and hope it gets easier. xx

Original poster

notnowImreading · 30/10/2011 12:03

I did read that, Moomin - I was so sorry to hear your news, especially after your first scan being okay; it must have been almost doubly awful. You always come across as so strong from your posts and I do admire the way you manage to stay positive.

One of the great things about this forum is that it's somewhere to write the truth about how you feel and know that others really do understand, but it's also one of the worst things too as it's hard to see that things have gone badly for people I was rooting for. Obviously, everyone who properly understands has their own hurt too, so it feels a bit selfish to go on about things. I know that's a very circular argument! I keep going round and round in circles in my head so suppose it's to be expected that I'd lose my ability to reason clearly in writing too. Basically, it boils down to: I hope you are holding up. All best wishes to you. X

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gigglepin · 30/10/2011 19:31

notnow,
I had my 6th mc in July, So its kind of difficult to recall the details of them all.
I have stopped trying now so i have blocked out much of what has happened.

Really hope that you can find peace soon. x

gigglepin · 30/10/2011 19:32

sorry, all tests normal for me.

Moominsummermadness · 30/10/2011 19:36

Thanks Notnow, I'm doing ok. I do try to stay postive, I've never thought of myself as a particularly strong person, but I think I've just had to try to pull myself together over it. It has been getting easier over the last week, although finding out that my sister is 28 weeks pregnant today has set me back a bit.

Gigglepin, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. x

Original poster

notnowImreading · 30/10/2011 21:44

Gigglepin, maybe 'all tests normal' is rather than . I've been told no tests till 3rd mc so can go ahead in 'blissful' ignorance/ imagining the worst for now. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

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Original poster

notnowImreading · 30/10/2011 21:48

Oh Lordy, Gigglepin, I'm so sorry - I didn't read your message properly and only saw the 'tests normal' bit. I can quite understand stopping trying under such horrible circumstances and I'm very sorry for your losses.

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