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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Should I warn my friend, who has miscarried twice, that there might be babies at the party?

7 replies

PaddingtonBearLondon · 24/10/2011 20:47

My friend has a toddler about the same age as my daughter. They used to be best of friends and love playdates together. We then both became pregnant again at about the same time but sadly my friend had two miscarriages during my so-far-healthy 2nd pregnancy. She's understandably chosen not to see me since and our daughters haven't had any playdates. But she's invited me to something in a few months' time so I guess she feels she might be able to cope with seeing me by then.

I'd like to invite her daughter to my daughter's birthday party in December but by then I'll have my newborn baby with me who'll be the age that hers would have been.

There'll probably also be my daughter's friends' baby brothers and sisters at the party. All of whom might remind her of the babies she's lost. I've always included her daughter before and it doesn't seem fair to avoid inviting her. I guess she can always turn down the invitation if she's not up to it.

But should I also warn my friend that there'll be newborns there? I know how hard it is to see pregnant women when you're desperately TTC but is it harder/easier/just as bad once they're babies? Would you assume there might be very young babies present if your child had an invitation to a toddler party? I don't want to upset her unnecessarily but I don't know what the more sensitive thing to do is. How do I avoid making her feel worse than she already does?

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PaddingtonBearLondon · 24/10/2011 21:09

Does anyone have any advice please?

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Georgimama · 24/10/2011 21:11

She knows when your baby is due. Invite her daughter and let her decide whether to come or not. There are babies everywhere, she can't avoid them forever (and I doubt she would want to).

PaddingtonBearLondon · 24/10/2011 21:12

Thanks Georgimama. Do you think I should mention that it won't just be my newborn but quite a few other babies too?

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philbee · 24/10/2011 21:13

Tbh I'd expect babies at a toddler party. We went to one recently, a good friend of DD's and there were babies there, and pregnant women, which I expected, but it was hard and particularly over a period of hours. I think that although it might be awkward you should ask her DD, and say to your friend that there will be young babies there (hard to know how to say that without being too heavy handed), and perhaps offer that she could just drop her DD off and you could look after her if it was difficult for her but she wanted DD to go (if you can, that is). And say you'll understand if she prefers not. I would find it difficult to hear all that as in some ways sympathy is hard to bear, but more so to turn up not having considered it (unlikely, tbh) and then feel obliged to stay.

Good on you for considering it though. My friend has done this for me, just said casually that so and so and her new baby are also going to meet us in the park before I set off, and I really appreciated it so I could get myself together and prepared or make an excuse if necessary.

PaddingtonBearLondon · 24/10/2011 21:16

That sounds like a good idea philbee.

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PicaK · 24/10/2011 22:26

You are a lovely friend - so thoughtful.

She's in a hard place now. Send your invite - tell her you miss her, that there's no pressure to come and to know she's welcome whenever she's ready. She'll know there'll be babies there (cos they're everywhere for her at the moment).

You must despair for your friendship a bit but honestly hang in there. She will come back.

PaddingtonBearLondon · 24/10/2011 22:46

Thanks PicaK.

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