Getting back on track.

[FutureNannyOgg]

I've just miscarried at 6.4 weeks. Really wanted baby, on so many levels. I am making some major life changes (leaving/changing job, moving towns) and this pregnancy was a lovely, well-timed addition. I feel like I've lost my baby, DS's little sibling and the lifestyle changes that would have come with. DH was thrilled and I feel guilty for not carrying his baby "properly".
I'm just devastated. I work (the new job) with newborns, and I am not sure how I can face it. Even looking after DS is a bit of a struggle. When I was pregnant I was reminded of the same stage with DS and was really looking forward to this little one growing into another I could love just as much as DS. I love him so much but right now when I look at him I see the potential that never played out in his sibling.
I'm physically and emotionally hurting, I just want to curl up on the sofa until it all goes away.
Please tell me it gets better, does anyone have any good tips for coming to terms with this and moving on?

Hi FutureNanny. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a really horrible time, and I also found it very hard to see how to go on. I miscarried at the start of July at 12 weeks. It does get easier, although some weeks are just very hard, and I've found that other emotional changes in my life have brought the pain back later on. I work one day a week and took two weeks off from that, and a lot of other MNs advised to really take it easy getting back to work. If you work with young children I think that's going to be especially important and I hope your work is understanding.

I also felt like I'd failed at some level. With me the foetus didn't develop at all, so I felt like a fraud for saying I was pg for 12 weeks, when there was no one growing in there in the end. But that also passes I think. It's not your fault, it's just pure biology, and I found it helpful to think that actually the mc was my body doing its job - the pregnancy was never going to have worked, and my body eventually recognised that and got rid of it all so we could try again for one that did.

I have a DD, and I found that, actually, spending time with her and planning stuff to do as a family that would have been more difficult if I'd been pg helped me a lot. We went on a little camping weekend, and have just planned lots of outings etc. I'm sorry your DS reminds you of what's happened, but I hope that passes. I think that the first few days and weeks are enormously upsetting, and your hormones will still be all over the place, which contributes to that. It is a grieving process, and it just takes time and support from people close to you to ease a bit.

Like you, I also felt like my pregnancy was perfectly timed, due day after my birthday, DD would be settled in preschool but still around to see the baby etc. But there are always happy and not so happy coincidences with this stuff, and you just can't plan it.

Do what you need to now, looking after yourself and your family is the only priority. I still find small babies and pg women difficult and I've basically cut off anyone who's pg or has a little baby and isn't a good friend, out of self-preservation really. I hope I'll be pg again one day, and in the meantime I'm trying to just focus on one day at a time, relaxing and not getting caught up in planning months or years ahead. I know it's very early for you, and it is such a shock and so hard to think how you can get through it, but it will get better. Take care of yourself and make sure others do as well.

Thanks for that.

I'm a bellydancer, so I have been focusing on that, rebooked the classes at a weekend in March where I just changed them all to low impact stuff I could do while pregnant, that sort of thing.

Things are OK with DS now, I think it was really just while it was happening I just needed to be alone, and having to look after a baby was about the last thing I needed. He's very cheering now, in that delightful way only a 12-18 month old can be.

I just saw the Dr this morning, she was really nice and understanding, but she didn't refer me to the EPU which surprised me, apparently there is no need for Anti D at less than 12 weeks and she didn't think a scan would be helpful right now. She has asked me to take a test in a week or so and if that is positive they will scan at what would have been 8 weeks. I just want it all to be over now. I lost the remains of the pregnancy yesterday (which was a nasty surprise, I wasn't really expecting anything other than a few big clots and small debris), I feel like a line needs to be drawn under it all, so I know that is all the stuff I have to get my head around.

Bellydancing sounds excellent. I started running regularly again after my mc. I'd done it on and off, but it was really cathartic and comforting to do something physical and freeing which I hadn't been able to do while pg (had quite bad pelvic pain already). I've also started trying to meditate every day, and started going to a new yoga class, to try to keep my mind calm. I do find that those things help me to manage the sadness when it comes, and stress about age gaps and all that stuff.

I'm glad things are happier with you and your son. It is very hard to feel those feelings and it's a relief when they pass. And glad as well that the GP was good. I feel like I never want to see another health professional in my life at the moment, just complete contact fatigue really. It's good to know that they will follow it up if you are still testing positive though. I hope that is it for you now and you can start to get things together again. It's just a really grim time.

Thanks. Had another shock yesterday when social services turned up on my doorstep. Apparently a neighbour who doesn't even know our names (and from what they said, I think they are the ones who repeatedly ignore us when we say hello in the street) reported us saying we were neglecting our son. The allegations were ridiculously untrue, my son is so very happy and well adjusted, and always cuddled and fussed and played with.
She turned up shortly after I had spent an hour crying on the sofa while DH an DS napped upstairs, she criticised the fact that I had unopened post (sure sign of a terrible mother) and that the living room was a bit untidy (after I had spent the weekend miscarrying...) She saw that DS was fine, and happy and friendly and stuff, I gave her the info to talk to nursery and health visitors and stuff, but it's still not over because I didn't feel I could handle the invasion of privacy involved in her inspecting our bedroom (apparently she has to see where he sleeps), so now we are embroiled in this time wasting saga because some nosey sod thought it better to call social services rather than say hello in the street and find out if I was OK.
Apparently the neighbour had been looking in our windows, so I feel like I am in a zoo now. I'm going away to my mums for a couple of days for some TLC and privacy.

That is really weird, and also horrible timing. Hope you told the SW what had been happening, and that they leave you alone now. Bah!