4th MC and feeling miserable

[topsmart]

Going through my 4th MC, a missed miscarriage like number 3 - but we'd made it to 12 weeks this time, furthest we've got since DD (who is now 4). Had tests after the 3rd which showed nothing wrong. Even had great scans at 8 and 10 wks with this pregnancy saw the baby wriggling on screen and everything.

Had the EPRC op in Friday, 2 days after terrible 12 wk scan in which dr couldn't find heartbeat or bloodflow. Awful.
Am just feeling so down today. Can't stop crying. I know eventually I'll feel better. But this is shit right now. We recently moved and our new house was going to be our 'happy' house in which everything finally went right. Am just so gutted.
And even if we get the courage to TTC again, how will we get through the scans? Gah. Rubbish. It'd be lovely to hear something positive from someone who's had as many MCs as me.

It feels shit, unfair and the feeling of why me is unbelievable. After my 5th i just wanted to end things, felt like id failed as a woman I also felt so incredably guilty that somehow my dd wasnt enough if i felt this after losing another baby (not sure if that makes sense but not much does when you miscarry). The most basic and natural thing in the world and i couldnt even manage that. Its ok to feel like that, looking back you will know there was nothing that could have been done differently and it was just (as my doctor so nicely put it) bad luck. It gets easier though. I decided no more i would just have 1 daughter and be grateful for that. Until 3 weeks after a very stupid evening i realised i was late. I was terrified as i watched the little blue line appear on a screen. My first though was i cant do this again. Im ashamed to admit i even considered ending the pregnancy myself as i knew another MC would kill me. But after doing a lot of thinking and a lot of crying i decided there was no way i could do that and maybe just maybe this wasnt the end of the world. I knew i would be a single mum to 2 children instead of just 1 but it was worth it. During my first scan at 6 weeks i found out there was 2 little bubbles in there instead of 1. I said the the nurse "safety in numbers" lol. The scans were scary and i got lots due to it being twins and my history. I couldnt look at the screen until they told me it was all ok. I didnt enjoy the pregnancy and tried not to get attached to the 2 little people growing inside me. Then at 36 weeks exactly they arrived and all the fear and worry of the past 8 months was gone. The pain of all the MC just didnt seen that bad anymore.

I didnt mean to write a huge long post but i do hope it shows even though things look really black at the moment, it does get better and if/when you decided (or your body decides) your ready to try again it doesn't mean the outcome will be the same.

Hope you have lots of support and tissues handy xx

Thank you so much starshaker, that's such a lovely happy ending for you - can't tell you how much I needed to hear that. Thank you.

Oh Topsmart this is awful. I had a late MC at 18 ish weeks just after we moved into our first real house (i.e. not a flat), it too was supposed to be the happy house, I felt like everything was shit. I find it very unfair that you had a positive ten week scan and then lost the baby

If you are not ready to think about next pg, don't read this bit, but when you had the tests after the third MC, what was your result on the clotting one? If it was at all borderline, then it might be worth repeating and then taking baby aspirin. Losing a baby after seeing a heartbeat (and presumably normal size)at 10 weeks is unusual and suggestive that there is something going on. When were your other losses? Are they testing this baby? (Sorry if that is upsetting to you).

If it helps at all (it might not) I had a new pregnancy in our 'happy house' and went on to have a living baby. I had a lot of support from the MW with every scan. It was a very anxious time and I had to almost totally switch off from the baby until about 24 weeks - I told no-one except Mum, sister and DP until 24 weeks.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Well if you ever need to talk, rant or whatever you are more than welcome to contact me. I know that a lot of what was going through my mind i could never say to anybody in RL but mumsnet helped me because nobody new me and a lot of people had gone through the same thing. Stay strong xx

Tops have you looked at the recurrent buns thread here? Big apologies if your already on it/seen it.

I found having a support thread so useful. I had dd2 after 4 rmc.

I would second the poster above who said about checking test results. Do you have the actual figures from the tests? Doc's will often say the results are fine but they are actually borderline. Would a referral to st marys be a possiblity for you?

Thanks ladies. You're all lovely for posting. Dunno what I'd do without mumsnet.

I think we will ask to be re-tested, or at least have our old results sent to our new hospital. I have no print outs of them so I've no idea at all what they tested for or what the actual results were. Seems so silly now! Thanks for the prompt.
We're being seen at St mary's in Manchester, but perhaps that's not the one you mean?
I did have a look at the recurrent buns thread but all the acronyms and lists of people scared me off! Wasn't sure that I could keep up. Maybe I'll try again

tops St Marys in london is a specialist mc clinic, you can be referred there if you don't live in the area. I think it needs to be a cons referal though, rather than just a gp.

Hi topsmart. Just wanted you to know that I am 27 weeks pregnant after 4 consecutive mc's. I would really agree with above posters to get some tests re-done such as the blood clotting ones and thyroid ones. I actually ended up being diagnosed with Vit D deficiency, and was treated at the start of this pregnancy, and I think that was the reason for my mc's. I never thought I would have another baby again, but it is possible. Also wanted to add, that the recurrent buns thread was a big help to me too, and I got alot of useful information from other women on there that helped me get proactive about getting treatment. Hope everything works out for you.

Thanks milkyways that's great to hear.

Having another low day, well, I was ok until yet more flowers arrived. Lovely of friends and family to think to send but i don't really want the house full of blardy flowers just reminding me of what's happened - and try explaining the flowers to an inquisitive 4yr old!
Anyway, it's really good to get your positive news. Thank you x

Sorry to hear your feeling down tops

Thanks B&S (tricky to shorten your name! ); more positive this afternoon and eve. Such a rollercoaster innit!

Couldn't have timed my MC better could I, what with the new Mn campaign. Have to say St Marys up here in Manchester have been amazing. Such lovely staff and they seem to follow all the points in the MN list already - separate scanning areas, different wards, considerate staff. Amazing. To the point that I might actually write and tell them so. In fact, i will.
That never crossed my mind with the London hospital I first dealt with (Whipps cross), flipping awful!!

And I meant to say, B&S, I'm sorry to hear you've been through the same. Did you ever get a reason?

Sorry to hear about your mc. I had 5 before I had my little girl nearly 4 years ago. Had tests galore and they could find nothing wrong. Was seen at St Mary's in Manchester and I am glad that you are treated better than I was 5 years ago. I was seen at Liverpool womens and they were amazing and I have a beautiful daughter after taking part in a trial there.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and I wish you and you family all the best for the future xxx

Topsmart sorry you are going through this, I too have had 4 mc since having my DD three years ago.

I find it really hard to find the hope/desire to try again it just feels hopeless a lot of the time and it is so hard to imagine having a successful pregnancy (even though I know I have managed it once before).

I have just finished reading a really interesting book on rm research which has given me a bit more faith and encouragement, it is called Coming to Term by Jon Cohen, there is one quote that has been really comforting to me...

"When veterans of three or more miscarriages in a row, become pregnant again, they will, with no treatment, carry to term nearly 70 per cent of the time."

I also tell myself that 'I've got to be in it to win it" and unless we try again it won't happen.

Give yourself some time, and good luck whatever you decide xxxx

tops imy name isn't always this grim! (Halloween namechange)

I had loads of tests after my 3rd and 4th mc and the only thing that showed up was a possible free protein s issue (clotting) I was treated with aspirin, heparin and higher dose folic acid in my last pg and I had dd2 in jan this year.

I'm not 100% convinced that was the reason for my losses. There's a relatively new theory that involves 'non-fussy uterus' it makes interested reading. Can't link from my phone but a search on here should show some interesting threads.

Great to hear you have been getting good care from your hospital. It may be worth asking if they run a specific test that St Marys in london do. The TEG test is more likely to show clotting issues than standard tests. No a lot of hospitals offer it though afaik.