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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

What should I say to support my friends loss?

5 replies

Boxiecat · 21/09/2011 12:48

a friend of mine has recently suffered a stillbirth at 24 weeks. We are in email contact and I would love to send her a message of support, but don't want to say anything crass or hurtful - anyone got any ideas what you would like to hear or what you would NOT like to hear. I really am thinking of her and just want her to know that. Thanks.

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Mama5isalive · 21/09/2011 20:58

Speak from the heart and let her know you are there for her! offer a shoulder to cry on, a person to scream at! or just hold her hand!
Its always hard when someone suffers a loss!
a nice thought, hope it goes well and received in the way you wanted, even though she may not reply straight away! maybe include your number and just wait!

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Catsycat · 21/09/2011 21:48

I would say I am very sorry to hear of the loss, and that if she wants to talk, or if there is anything I can do to help, I am there to listen.

For me, I would stay away from the "there was probably something wrong with the baby", "you can try again" sort of comments. I'm not suggesting you would say that, but they were things that were said to me, that upset me when I mc. At the same time, I knew they were well meant comments that were intended to comfort me, and that it is really hard to know what to say, so I didn't blame the people who said those things. I just found them unhelpful and a bit hurtful, that's all.

The fact that you are addressing the loss, supporting and not ignoring her will mean a lot. I know one woman who had acquaintances cross the road to avoid her after her loss. It's nice that she has a thoughtful and caring friend.

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Boxiecat · 21/09/2011 22:54

Thank you - I have sent a message letting her know i am here if she needs me, but also just saying I'm sorry -as what more can you do? A terrible time and I hope she is getting the support she needs, and when and if she does, I will be there to listen. Thanks again.

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kat2504 · 22/09/2011 09:46

Also as time goes on don't pretend the baby never happened, don't be frightened to ever mention it. if you remember things like the due date and the birthday that would be nice. Not making a big deal, but remembering the day and sending a message of support.
In the meantime there isn't much you can say apart from how sorry you are and be on hand to listen when she is ready.

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greenzebra · 27/09/2011 15:21

I agree with what kat2504 has said, my baby was stillborn in April and just last week my friend emailed me and said 'I was thinking of her today She would have been 5 months wouldnt she, sitting up probably teething' It brought a smile to my face to think that someone else was thinking of her.