My mum's said that saying I've had a miscarriage at 6 weeks is over dramatising, is that right?

[Mookymoo]

Hi
I'm not even sure that I've miscarried or not yet as I've been told that I can't get a scan until Monday, but my Mum has said that I'm over dramatising to call it a miscarriage as it's early. She's not the most tactful person, and I only called on her as my husband's away and had no-one else to help with my 1 yo daughter while I went to hospital.
Let me know what you think please, there's nobody else for me to 'bounce' off tonight and I'm feeling confused and upset. We had been ttc for a couple of months and I only took the test 3 days ago. Woke up to bleeding this morning which has continued all day. Finding the biggest high then low has hit me for six.

Well, you were pg, now you're (possibly) not, so that is technically a miscarriage.

But I wonder how many miscarriages were just presumed to be "late periods"?

It must be very upsetting for you, look after yourself, remember, you've conceived twice now, it'll happen again.

Oh my lovely, i don't think you're over dramatising at all. I've been incredibly lucky to never have a miscarriage but it would've knocked me for six at 6 weeks.

Be gentle with yourself - will your DH be home to go with you for the scan?

6 weeks is an early miscarriage, but it's still a miscarriage imo. I miscarried at 5 weeks but that was enough time to get a positive test, work out the due date, imagine a baby at the end of it - so it was still a loss.

That's very sad, so sorry it has happened. Your Mum is being rather tactless but of course in her day you didn't even know you were p/g at six weeks. We have much earlier tests these days.

I suspect when most people use the word 'miscarriage' they are thinking of an unborn baby ? a foetus, not an embryo. But pedantry can be taken too far when someone has just lost a much-wanted pregnancy.

Thanks so much, it's hard to feel a bit stupid as well as everything else but I feel a little bit more validated now. I don't know what to say to DH when he gets home tomorrow, I can't bear the thought of his upset face. I feel like I've let him down somehow. I'm trying to think positively but also so scared to get my hopes up

It is upsetting.... but there is a sort of sliding scale of miscarriages. I've had an early one, a slightly later one and them come very close with a prem. Whilst the early one was upsetting, it wasn't as bad as the later one and even though my prem baby turned out OK, the experience was much more upsetting than either of my miscarriages.

That said, I wouldn't tell someone who had just miscarried that they were being over dramatic. Although perhaps your mum was, misguidedly, trying to make you look on the bright side??

My mum would be the same and has been over friends.

I think from her perspective, she wouldn't have even known she was pregnant at 6 weeks as tests weren't as sensitive 30 years ago.

But if you do a test and get a positive result, of course you're going to think of subsequent bleeding/period as a miscarriage. Even at 6 weeks.

Take care

Yes of course I would never put it on the same level of a later miscarriage or prem baby, I've had friends with both so know how devastating both of those can be.

Your mother is being grossly insensitive, although it is possible she is misguidedly trying to minimise the incident to save you upset. I have had 2 early MCs and they were both very very upsetting.

I don't go for the generational thing. My mother is of the time when you waited for 2 missed periods as well but when I had a mmc at 11 weeks and the baby was only 6 weeks, she was devastated. At no point did anyone, except one insensitive arse, say anything to belittle what had happened.

I have a theory that as soon as you see that line on the test, assuming it's a wanted pregnancy, you automatically make space in your life for that person, within a split second. And there's no undoing that space. It gets smaller and less obvious over time but it's there all the same.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Take care x

Mooky, I lost one of mine at seven weeks and one at eight. I knew I was pregnant with one and not with the other. Despite the length of time I was pregnant they were both babies and I grieved them accordingly. Lots of people find that hard to understand though.

Try not to be too hard on your mum, she can't feel anything because she hasn't made a relationship or invested so much hope in your baby, like you have.

Good luck.

That's how I feel, it was jumping the gun massively but I'd already seen my DD as a sister, seen another person in the family and felt so elated.

Thanks so much for your support, it means a great deal to me

In subsequent pregnancies they will want to know about this pregnancy and will count it among your pregnancies on the first page of your maternity notes. Perhaps your mother feels that the NHS is over-dramatising as well?

Aw sweetie - I'm sorry you're having a rough time. [unmumsnetty hugs].

My MIL said the same about my miscarriage at 8wks. She even managed to convince my dh of it for 3 days as well. I was so and upset. I had cramping and bleeding for over two weeks before I finally had a erpc. If I had had those symtoms for 2 weeks as part of a period I would have been v. worried and gone to the doc. It's not only the physical stuff - its the mental things - even at that early stage you've already invested so much emotionally in the pregnancy you have to go through a grieving process.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

For what it's worth, I don't think that this "we didn't know that we were pregnant and so we didn't care" stuff is a load of bollocks. When we were TTC I would have been well aware that I was feeling sick and exhausted and my nipples were painfully sensitive, and all of that stuff. Without a positive pregnancy test. Women aren't fools, they must have known that they were pregnant, even if they didn't discuss it with anyone or do anything other than dare to hope. I feel very sorry for the generation that weren't allowed to be upset. I just wish that a certain subset of them didn't have the "well we had to suffer, so why shouldn't you?" attitude. :(

Hi Mookymoo, you're not over dramatising this at all! I completely agree with Gwendoline, the minute you get the positive test you make space for this new baby and have everything planned out.

I was in the exact same position as you, found out I was pregnant last Friday, started bleeding on Sunday. You still have time to adjust and get excited. I spent all week hoping that the bleeding would stop and that it wouldn't turn out to be a miscarriage, but unfortunately it wasn't to be. Maybe you'll be one of the many people who bleed through pregnancy and still have a healthy baby, and if not, then you should feel allowed to grieve appropriately.

I hope everything works out ok for you Mooky.

I've just re-read my earlier post and it sounds like I was trying to play miscarriage top trumps. I was trying to say that, as there are "worse" miscarriages, your mum was probably downplaying your early miscarriage to help you feel better. So basically don't be too hard your mum, it sounds like she was probably trying to help. Hope everything works out for you xx

I agree MrsTittleMouse with all my pregnancies I knew I was pregnant well before my af due so was probably only about 3 weeks pregnant. When I mc at 6 weeks a very insenstive doc at the hospital gave me a detailed history lesson in that before tests women just thought they were having a late period. Im not a violent person uf could of smacked him.
I had also previously had a mc 12 weeks, and although I found it that harder cause I really didnt expect it whereas I did with the 2nd. The weeks didnt matter much I would of been just as devasted If my 1st one was at 6 weeks because to me it was my baby who I wanted very much.
Hope you ok mooky

I don't get the "in the past you would have just thought it was late period" line. The 2 mc I had around 6 weeks could never have been mistaken for a "late period", I doubt I'm unique in that. Heavy bleeding, clots etc and pain are not what I expect from a period.
Mooky I don't tell me mum when I mc, she doesn't help me.
Gwendoline I loved what you said about making space in your life, that helps me understand my distress more, thank you.

I think that there is a huge difference between a late period and an early miscarriage. Anyone who has had an early miscarriage can tell you the difference. You don't just bleed a bit, later than normal. You lose proper big clots of more than just blood. And your hormone levels are through the roof.

For me it was the loss of hopes and dreams that were the hardest bit to centend with. I'd spent 15 months trying to concieve and tehe loss of that pregnancy left me grieving. I mc at 7 weeks and I knew definitely it was a mc, not just being late, even if I hadn't had a bfp.

Be kind to yourslef and give yourself time to grieve.

Thank you all for your kindness. Went to A & E after soaking maternity pad etc in the night, still nothing clearer until scan at EPU tomorrow although stopped bleeding now, but not holding out a lot of hope. Sought the help of lovely mil this time to look after LO and things were easier. DH got home this afternoon which makes me feel much better.

Oh God, I'm so sorry. That'll teach me to skim read. I didn't twig that you weren't sure you had miscarried yet and here's me offering you condolences like it's a done deal

Good luck tomorrow, I hope it's good news x