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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Struggling to deal with the emotions

3 replies

varietyisthespiceoflife · 19/06/2011 21:46

After IVF to get pregnant, trying for a 2nd child, i had a MMC at 8 weeks. Had what i assume are the 'usual' emotions - sad, angry etc before op but also still had a teeny tiny bit of hope that they'd made a mistake and i'd arrive for a scan and my baby would be ok. of course that didn't happen. Had ERPC last Tuesday. felt strangely relieved in hospital that is was all over but since then have spiralled down into un bearable sadness. am on the verge of tears all the time, can't bear to talk to anyone - don't want to hear the dreaded how are you? "question - and normal everyday tasks reduce me to a nervous wreck.
my DH is being very lovely and supportive but i think is getting frustrated that i'm so emotional. conversations end with 'its just one of those things' or 'you knew the risks'. i can't explain to him how i feel, the attachment i'd already made with my baby, the struggle i went on just to get pregnant, the excitement, the planning all to be told my baby had no heartbeat.
So i want to ask anyone else who has gone through this awful experience how long does it take to come out the other side?
spent Fathers Day today at my in-laws unable to enter into conversation with anyone apart from my DH or DD for fear of bursting into tears.
i am determined to try again but as we have to have IVF thats a whole other set of emotions i'll need to get in check before we begin. X

OP posts:
loopybear · 19/06/2011 22:53


I didn't have IVF for any of pregnancies and I have 1 DD. What you're feeling is prefectly normal. I remember hiding away because I just didn't want people to ask how I was. I could only see people who had, had miscarriages. Each baby I lost felt devastating. A friend told me she found MC after having one child harder because you grieve a baby not a pregnancy. I remember thinking all the way to the scan the 3rd time. It'll be ok it will just be heavy implanatation bleeding. Post surgery (Ectopic) I just felt relieve to be alive. All I can say is the black days become grey days with black moments and eventually good days with sad moment. I still find moments hard 3 months down the road this time. The first time it got easier after I had passed my due date because I wasn't thinking "It'll be 20 week scan this week, I'd be going on maternity leave now etc. My DH is loving and supportive and said things like your DH said. After counselling I learnt that if I just told him how I felt when sadness /anger overwhelmed me it was lifted. And bless him he got used to it and would occassionally even say as I ranted about young parents smoking over their newborns in town "You're right it's just not fair, we're great parents, DD is fab and it's bloody unfair and unlucky"

Counselling really helped me and remember you are grieving and it's healthy that your feeling the grief.

Realitystrikesback · 19/06/2011 23:01

It's still so early, give yourself time to grieve. You wouldn't expect to get over any other bereavement in less than a week. Give yourself time and space to work through everything.

varietyisthespiceoflife · 20/06/2011 12:59

thanks both for your kind words, am back at work today and feeling slightly more normal. Have never really understood the phrase 'time is a healer' until now.

You're right loopy, i am grieving for a baby and i think thats the thing that DH struggles to understand. To him it wasn't a baby at all.

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