Miscarriage at 6 weeks

[Twittwooo]

I'm not sure why I'm posting on here but I suppose it's because, other than my wonderful husband who is also heartbroken, I don't want to tell anyone close to me about the experience.

I found out I was pregnant a month ago and my husband and I were both over the moon. We spoke about all sorts of things from baby names to how our lives were set to change. We started looking into moving home. We spoke about the possibility of miscarriage and how we might feel if it happened. We decided that because anything can happen during the first 12 weeks we would not tell anyone until the first scan. We were excited, but I was nervous in case anything went wrong.

I wish we hadn't spoken about the negatives. I wish I had completely cut out caffeine instead of letting myself have the odd cup of tea or coffee every other day. I wish I didn't lift that stuff at work or those shopping bags. I wish I hadn't had any alcohol at all while trying to conceive. I wish I hadn't taken that ibuprofen for what was probably morning sickness, although I didn't realise I was pregnant at the time. I wish I hadn't worried about having to tell people I wasn't drinking or hiding things from people at work. If I could change things back, I wouldn't care if the whole world knew or if my boss hated me. I wish I had called the midwife as soon as I got that little bit of brown spotting instead of looking up forums and deciding it was probably quite normal. I wish I knew what caused it, and I wish I knew what I could have done to stop it.

I feel so incredibly sad. I've been busy at work for the last two days while I've been miscarrying and it has taken my mind of things, but as soon as I'm not there it's all I can think about. I didn't believe I would feel like this.

I'm sorry for the long message, but I needed an outlet. I'm not looking for answers and I'm not looking for sympathy, but I suppose it would help to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

If you've got to this stage in my post, thanks for reading. xx

Twittiwoo, reading your opening post had me crying and I had thought I was now ok about my mc two weeks ago. I was 5 weeks and due feb 8th. I think all of us feel that way that it's something we had done. I felt the same, hating myself for things I'd done in the days leading up to it even though I have a degree in biology and specialised in developmental genetics and really understand that if just one tiny thing doesn't copy properly when all those cells are dividing and dividing then there is no way that a baby can develop properly. I've just been tring to tell myself that this time it wasn't meant to be, and that we will get the right baby for our family further down the line. Ps I am 36 and I had my 1st at 34. I conceived the month after an early mc. and a late spring/summer baby (we conceived in august so born may) is fabulous because you can get out and about in the parks for walks when DH goes back to work, you can meet him for picnics in the park at lunchtime and it makes a tiny flat like we had so so much easier to cope with and means you don't have to hurry the move. Big hugs to you.

Ps try and tell one person but maybe not someone too close. It truly does help. I told a lady i am not that close to and it was amazing to share and she had such fabulous words of wisdom. You want to be able to tell someone who will not be sad about the baby (like maybe your mum would be) but just sad for you. Actually I have just realised that is exactly what you have done by telling all of us. Thanks so much for sharing.

I found out I was pregnant last week and wish that I had never known. Spent the morning at hospital today, I knew had already miscarried as was losing blood heavily last night, that's when it hit home. Thought I would be ok and was prepared for it but very down today and feel like crying all the time. Like all of you I too was thinking if there was anything I could and should have done to prevent it.

Monday - morning i had my 12 week scan - i was so happy my chance to see my baby for the first time its so real , to be told no heartbeat so baby passed at 9/10 weeks. Shock??????????????????? why?????????????
Yesterday went in for the op and am actually beginning to heal inside already was out today with DH and saw loads of pregnant women and i smiled and remembered how that felt and how i couldnt wait for the discomfort to be over the way i wanted my body back for my own! its amazing what you remember?
while i was on another thread jan12 - i actually remember adding peoples names to the " gone but not forgotten" list and now to know im one of them and the list grows is very sad. My healing journey has begun and i know if im going to have another try i need to stop the negative and embrace the positives-
I find great comfort to know - Joy comes in the morning and there is hope in the future. i pray that the gift of a baby will come to us all and we will all be on another thread real soon together!
All the best to you all xxxx

nwthree, thanks for your words of encouragement and sorry to everyone who has written about their losses in the last couple of days. Chocolatesparkle, I remember you from the February 2012 thread too so sending you lots of love and I hope you're starting to feel better. Reallea - Feb 8th was my due date too. Thanks for your advice about spring / summer babies and fingers crossed! We live in a very small flat so I can understand what you mean.

It's now a week on for me and I feel a lot better, so hopefully all you ladies will get there too. I have now accepted that nothing I did is likely to have caused the miscarriage and we are looking to the future and the hope of conceiving again.

The moment I was confident I could move on came when I spoke to a lady at pregnancy support who confirmed that the result of my second blood test indicated miscarriage. Even though I was sure myself, I felt in limbo until I heard it from a medical professional. I still have moments, but I'm not waking up feeling full of despair anymore. I hope knowing this will give you all some hope.

These threads have also been very helpful and have allowed to me to talk through things, something I have chosen not to do with friends and family (apart from DH of course). I had to stop myself from coming on here too often however, because after a while it was preventing me from getting over what had happened. Too much reading about it wasn't a good thing for me.

I've also been very busy over the last few days with work and family events. Sometimes I think keeping busy and seeing people lets you realise there are other important things in your life, but of course it is important to grieve and it is different for everyone.

Lots of love. xx

I guess those of us who posted on this thread at the beginning must be coming around toward the time for the first period post mc. I'm feeling so fed up at the moment. When I was miscarrying I was being all brave because it wasn't too painful, just felt like a heavy period. Now I think I'm coming up for a period as I've been cramping for a couple of days, although it hasn't arrived yet. The thing I never considered is that a period now feels like a miscarriage to me - it's brought up a lot of sad feelings. Plus, as the sodding period itself hasn't come through yet, I keep panicking about the cramps in case there's something wrong now. Anyone else having the same black moods?

notnowimreading - i am now really dreading my 1st period after my MMC because as you said it will always bring back those awful pains just before my ERPC that morning the bleeding and cramping feeling and those heavy pulling feelings, my period will never be the same to me - for those ttc the dreading feeling when it comes knowing this month you have not conceived!!!!
I believe one step at a time im just getting through my days without crying and getting emotional i think thats a good break through for me when i dont shed a tear!!!!
Big Hugs xxxxx