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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

what the hell do you do/say

9 replies

vampiresdontsparkle · 10/06/2011 10:34

Hi my best friend had her baby last night but unfortunately her beautiful little girl died a few hours later. what the fuck can i do. i know i cant bring her back, but i really want to be there and help her and her partner, ive told her partner if there is anything i can do to let me know.
do you send a congrats card or a sorry card or both. life is so fucking unfair!! sorry for rambling. i just needed to ask.

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 10/06/2011 10:38

You send a "thinking of you" card.

You go and see her. You don't need to say anything really. Just be there for her for when she needs to talk.

When my mum lost my sister in similar circumstances she said the worst thing was the fact people would cross the street to avoid her. she said walking into the school playground was like moses at the beach...people just parted to let her through. no one said a word.

You wont say anything wrong. She may well cry or be angry or blame herself, her husband, the doctors, the dog....anything and everything in an effort to understand what has happened.

I am so very sorry for her loss. I am sure you will be of great comfort and support to her.

BreakDancingBadger · 10/06/2011 15:51

Im so incredibly sorry for your friends loss of her little girl.

My daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks pregnant last July.

I think the most important thing you can do for your friend is just to be there. Let her talk and let her cry.

Ask about her little girl. Ask her weight ect, like you would about a live baby. This is still incredibly important to me now. I refuse to have my daughter forgotten.

I remember at the beginning i so wanted to have people (family and close friends) see pictures of my daughter like any 'normal' new mum would (only if people felt they could though).

My best friend was wonderful and went out and bought an outfit for my daughter to wear as of course we werent prepared for her to come that early.
We sat around looking at pictures of my daughter and she told me how beautiful she was. She even babysat my toddler on the day of the funeral.

It was wonderful and made an awful time that little bit easier. You sound like a wonderful friend and im sure anything you do will help her through this awful time.

luckyfor2 · 10/06/2011 18:02

I agree with everything that badger and mamazon has said. Being there for her all the time and to try and understand everything she says even though things might sound strange. Its such a hard thing to lose a baby and your mind does very strange things to you. I found it insensative when people told me that what I was feeling was wrong. Everything she says and feels is right for her at this time and if you can just try and understand she wont feel so alone. You're a very good friend to be there even asking such a question.

mrsgboring · 10/06/2011 18:12

Agree agree agree with all that's been said.

We found it very helpful after the initial early days to have a few low-key things to do with friends. It is hideously hard to fill the days after a loss like this. For example, we went on holiday about two weeks after we lost DD. By breakfast time we were desperate to get out and do things, but by 3pm we couldn't cope and had to come home, and then there was all that time to fill till bedtime.

Some wonderful friends invited us round for meals, but had cleverly organised things to do to fill the time so we didn't have to talk or be on sparkling social form - we played a board game, went to a play, went on a boat trip that sort of thing. It really helped when we didn't feel like carrying on but had no option.

It might not be the same for your friend, but do think of her often in the early weeks and months to come. Keep including her, keep talking to her and just be there and that will help her summon up the courage to ask for what she really needs from you.

vampiresdontsparkle · 10/06/2011 18:29

im going to go and see her either tomorrow or sunday with some cuppa soups and some snacky food so they can both eat but without much prep and then in a week or so bring some propper food.
its really hard, i have a month old baby boy and im not going to take him or my elder dd over to begin with, should i ask her after a few visits if she ready to see them again or not?
i love her to bits and i cant make it better its so fucking sad. i know her daughter was here and i will never forget her and i would never cross the street or ignore her. im still crying i cant even begin to imaging what they are going through. thanks for listening. x

OP posts:
Shhhh · 12/06/2011 16:11

what do you do if your friend wont respond to you.? or texts to say thanks and that they need time to get themselves together.? Do I leave them or text/call in a few weeks time or month.? Don't want to pester yet don't want them forgotton or for them when they feel stronger to then feel a burden and not contact us iykwim..

how do you get the blance right.?

I feel that come a few months down the line they may not want to disucss baby and that we will sadden them asking iykwim..

HorseyGirl1 · 12/06/2011 20:04

Speaking from hateful experience here, I know that it will sadden your friend even more if you don't. My oldest friend and in deed close family members others have never once said my twins' names to me at any point. You can have no idea how much that hurts me. Please say their child's name and let them know that you are there. Perhaps they just can't speak about it, they will but they need to know that you are thinking of them. a simple text every now and then is all it takes. You sound like a good friend and don't give up on your friend. it mightn't seem like it since she isn't responging but believe me when i say that she needs you more than ever. xx

HorseyGirl1 · 12/06/2011 20:05

Sorry not having a good day today. I mean't responding obviously.

BreakDancingBadger · 13/06/2011 09:29

Shhhh I think that is what most people think, that talking about the baby will sadden them, but believe me your baby is never out of your mind. You will always be heartbroken but its so much worse when people try to ignore that your baby ever existed.

I never wanted to see anyone or talk to anyone in the beginning but some incredibly lovely friends would just send a text every few days to tell me they were thinking of me and always there if i needed to just get away.

Its so lovely to just get a text to say im thinking of you today. Dont worry if they dont reply, as your so caught up in your grief its the last thing on your mind.

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