8 week follow up, disaster

[stmalo]

I just got back from the hospital and I'm heartbroken again. My appointment ran 30 minutes late, and when I got in there I was releived to see the the consultant was the same dr that had managed my miscarriage. I miscarried at 14.5 weeks in A&E and had to have emergency erpc. I knew I would get in a bit of a state so I took dh with me, and a typed list of questions. Well to say this appointment was the biggest waste of time is an understatement.

I was told not to blame myself, it wasn't my fault. They went on to say that all my bloods were fine and glucose tolerance test was fine. So I asked what caused it then? They said most likley raised BMI - SO I said but I understand that weight in pregnancy can cause complications such as diabetes, so what was the complication - to which they answered 'miscarriage, 'miscarriage was the complication"- I could have screamed.
My DH stepped in and said 'I think she means what are the mechanics behind the miscarriage" but this didn't help and they started saying they could print of the statistics for weight and pregnancy loss - I was so angry, and in the end said "so this is my fault" and they kept saying no you mustn't blame yourself, and we haven't said it's your fault.
But basically it is my fault, and nothing else is going to be looked at because of my weight. Then we were told we could try again around the 3 month mark, (so next month) - but then was told that I should get my weight as low as possible before trying again in about 6 months . . . and see what happens. . I'm so annoyed. I said that immediate family had all had children and were overweight during pregnancy - more than me - and they said it doesn't matter.
And that was it - no physical check up, not worried about the pain I keep getting, I felt like saying shall I book in with A&E for 6 months time.
For the record I've lost nearly 2 stone since I miscarried (joined weight watchers a couple of days after the miscarriage)
My dh keeps telling me to be positive, I just don't see the point, and I'm so p*ed with the whole hospital thing that I can't even contemplate pregnancy again. Oh and as well as being fat I'm geriatric and shouldn't leave it too late before trying again..... I'm confused and fed up.
Surely pregnancies don't just end in the second trimester because the baby decides your weight is too high? there has to be a problem . . . . ?

I'm so sorry stmalo. :( They don't sound like they know what was wrong so have just gone for the statistics as an answer.

Thankyou shimmery pixie - yes - my dh has said the same, that they can only go on statistics and that the miscarriage and weight 'fits'. I'm just feeling very rubbish about everything.

How awful. I have been overweight for all my pregnancies, yes weight can cause complications but weight itself does not cause a miscarriage, the complication does. So sorry x

is this your first m/c or is it a reoccurring thing?

I'm really appalled by this. I had 3 miscarriages prior to my current pregnancy and BMI was only mentioned in regard to conceiving again and general health.
It definitely is in no way your fault and maybe it would be worth asking for an appointment with a different consultant to get your questions answered

Stmalo - sorry they were no help. FWIW, I've had all the tests and checks and they still were unable to suggest why I've mc. I have now given up thinking that we'll have a second - and the lack of anything helpful from the hospital has been part of that decision.

I was told when we were going along the IVF route to try to get my weight down as close to an acceptable BMI as possible as that 'helped'.

They do seem to have been very insensitive - but that is, I'm afraid, again, what I have come to expect in many instances.

I hope that you are able to put this behind you - continue with your great progress with WW and, when you're ready, have a sucessful pregnancy in time.

I have found, in my experience of 5 miscarriages, that they simply do not know the reason for miscarriages. Simple as that.

They have never been able to tell me why, despite numerous blood samples sent and examinations.

As for weight, hmmm im not convinced that this has anything to do with anything. Like you, i know loads of peopel who have had succesful pregnancies while overweight. Personally i have had a healthy BMI.....and still miscarried.

Deepest sympathies and sincere hugs to you, i know what its like. x

Thank you everyone, You're really all very helpful xx
Geordieminx, this is my first pregnancy and miscarriage, i'm 38.
Mistlethrush, thank you for your kind words, sorry to hear that you are not trying again, I completely understand where you are coming from though.
Thighslapper, sorry to hear that you've had to deal with this 5 times, and huge hugs. I know what you mean about blood tests etc, they seemed convinced that I was going to have diabetes, but all of my blood tests and now a glucose tolerance test have all been fine. All of my other bloods have been fine.

Thank you everyone xxx

If it's your first then I think you need to accept (easy said than done), that this time, it just wasn't meant to be. Sometimes the cells are just incompatible with life, which is why the feutus stops growing. 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage before 12 weeks, which is shit, but means that unfortunately it isn't uncommon.

My first pregnancy was a mmc at 9 weeks, it was heart breaking, but I tried to reason in my head that that was my "1 in 3", and the next one would be ok.... He is asleep upstairs just now... He was 4 last month.

Sometimes there isn't a reason, and I certainly don't think that your weight was to blame.

Be kind to yourself, relax, keep taking the folic acid, and I'm sure your next pregnancy will be fine.

Btw, not sure why they told you to wait 3 months, I had a normal period then fell pregnant straight away?

yes, it was my first - but I got to 14.5 weeks, so all friends and family told which has been heartbreaking. I had a spontaneous miscarriage, contractions, waters breaking, and then delivery in A&E before ERPC.
I've read before that 1 in 3 end before 12 weeks, and I know it's devastating at any number of weeks, but we thought we were well past the magic 12 weeks, and now I can't help thinking it's just going to happen again.
I think I wanted an answer fom the hospital today so that I could say ok let's fix this and try again. But to only pick up on my weight, leaves me feeling really nervous about trying again, as I don't feel convinced that my weight is the cause - well again - I don't know what the weight complication was that caused the miscarriage.
xx

I'm sure next time will be fine.

(((hugs and chocolate))))

I think you should just do your best to be prepared for the next pregancy and trust all will be well. Early pregnancies (before 20 weeks) are usually because there's something wrong with the baby and it's nature's way. One in 3 have a miscarriage - the statistic is much less for more than one miscarriage. You're grieving for your baby. Give yourself some time to heal and then try again.

when I first found out I was pregnant I was really pleased - then there was loads of stuff about being fat on tv and in magazines etc - Then I saw my gp and ended bursting into tears and saying I was worried about being fat and old, but she said it was fine and I would be monitored etc etc -

I think the frustration lies in that I was closley monitored to the point of bordering the riddiculous and was getting more stressed about the number of appointments, and at the end of the day - what's the point? ? What's the point of scan pictures etc etc, if it still can'd stop anything - pointless.

I did get sent an anaethetists appointment - but miscarried before that one. It cam with a lovely letter that offered help on healthy eating which said avoid eating cream cakes and pies - That leaflet went in the bin too.

So yes I've had one miscarriage, and lots of people have more, and yes i was in the second trimester - but that doesn't seem to matter. So we will probably try again later, once I've lost more weight and no one can ram the fat card in my face, and we'll see what happens.

I just find the whole thing incredibly frustrating, I can't understand that modern medicine can't tell you anything other than maybe it wasn't meant to be, you can try again, perhaps it was your weight etc etc - it just sucks

sorry everyone xx

sending you a hug. I lost my first pregnancy in december at almost 20 weeks. I lost twin boys and it breaks my heart every day thinking about them. Like you I'm an a bit older too, I'm 39 and like you was told to wait for 6 months and then at the post ERPC check-up the consultant said we could try straight away after all. I don't have a happy ending to share (but I hope there will be for us both some day) but I did just want to let you know that I know how you feel and sometimes it's jst enough to know that you're not alone when you really feel that you are. Keep trying - it's all we can do. If we don't we could loss out on the best thing we could ever have. xx

stmalo massive massive empathy for your loss. I found all the paperwork for my mc which I had a few years ago and it was like being knocked over by a car, just thump I was shocked at how winded I felt.
I now have ds and dd and it's taken years, I'm 'sub fertile' or something like that.

But I think there's no greater mystery than fertility and the only thing I know that seems to be bizarrely powerful is to not be trying and to almost forget about it however briefly. The power of that is anecdotally persuasive (many people seem to get pg once they've adopted etc.) I know that's the last thing you can do but it's worth remembering that trying to get pg weirdly seems to have a contraceptive effect. I'm sure it's to do with stress somehow but none of this is to blame anyone.

I think massage, hypnotherapy, acupuncture or reflexology can all really help to relieve the stress post mc and the self blame and the sheer horrific grief of the loss, I can't bear to think back to it actually it was so painful and remained so for much longer than anyone else wants it to. The best complementary therapy is the one which appeals to you the most and for which you can get a personal rec from someone you trust. I try to go for people who other people say area fantastic, nothing worse than a bad massage therapist.

My sister used to be a mw and she delivered many babies she told me that the mother had believed she would never have.

Fertility is a total mystery ime. But I got pg with ds when I stopped trying, and went on a mini break with dh and just got drunk and were really relaxed and had forgotten about dates and fertility for a brief minute. Mind you it took a LONG time to get there and it's just as my therapist said, stop trying and give your rel a chance to be an end in itself.

dd came much later after we'd given up trying and were just accepting we would just have one, just as we got happy with that - she began to arrive.

So I think lots of affection and gentleness for yourself. Some kind of alternative therapy to help you relax, and whatever it takes for you and your partner to have time on your own which is not directed at pg, just maybe foot rubs, back rubs, that kind of thing. Relationships are so brutalised by infertility aren't they?

But also I think hypnotherapy can be really good to give you some positive reinforcement.

All best and don't give up, I had dd at 43!

sorry, I didn't mean to use the word 'infertility' insensitively. I think of myself as someone who has experienced it because I spent years and years trying to and failing to get pg.

mrszimmerman, thank you, you're right fertility is a complete mystery.
I keep being told that it's my 1st and it will probably be fine next time, but I just find the "see what happens" approach to medicine a bit bizzarre!
I'm desperately trying to to get my weight to 'normal' and then we'll see, my biggest fears now are that I'll lose the weight and this happens again... I know... I have to be positive. Hopefully in a few more months I'll get my head round this a bit more.
I have been looking into Reiki and have been recommended to a few people, so I might give this a go for a bit of emotional therapy.
thank you again x

I am horrifed that you were made to feel in any way to blame for your miscarriage. I have had a lot of miscarriages(early and late) and I have never heard of any one being told their weight was to blame. Sorry but I have done a fair bit of research and know a lot about causes of miscarriages and think they are talking shite. I think they couldnt find a reason and just came up with this. They probably thought they were being helpful and giving you advise to lose weight to give you the best chance next time around but its still crap.
My own losses were intially put down to ic(incompetent cervix) but later on also found out I have a blood clotting problem(lupus anticoagulant). I cannot fault the care I had from both my consultant,midwives and all the early pregnancy unit staff.
Please dont continue to beat yourself up over this-it was not your fault. Yes try and get yourself as healthy as possible before trying again. All the best.

thank you pink4ever - I only just read your reply.
I am beating myself up over this, you're right. I am going through the dieting on weight watchers, and i just can't see light at the end, it's going to take so long to get to a "healthy" weight. Everyone around me is saying not to blame my weight, and I now feel a bit like I'm going mad, because one minute I'm blaming myself for the weight and now despeartely trying to lose weight before we try again. And then I think sod this, I know plenty of people that have had sucessful pregnancies and been overweight. Then I think - no, I should follow their advice. Then I think hang on I was 14.5 weeks, so if it wasn't weight (although I don't know what it was about the weight the caused the miscarriage), what the hell did cause it. I'm just really confused ..... and scared for next time.

stmalo I am not surprised you are confused as you really seem to have been given very mixed messages and/or misinformation. If you are still unhappy with the answers you were given then you should demand to speak to the consultant/midwife who dealt with you the last time.
I found by making things more official ie putting in a written request for an appointment helped things move along quicker and easier. Any decent hospital would have no problem with trying to give you some further reassurance.
With regards to your weight and the cause of miscarriage-I still think its highly improbable. Do you have a history of high blood pressure or anything along those lines(clutching at straws?). Did they do any genetic tests on the baby(sorry if that sounds insensitive) or tell you when exactly it sadly died?.
I think you really need to decide if these are questions you want answered and if so then refer back to hospital asap.
Again please dont despair-as I mentioned there really was a time I thought I would never have dcs and now I have 3.

I've had 2 MCs and understand the need to know what went wrong so that you can try to do things differently next time and come to terms with what has happened. But the sad truth is that Drs don't have all the answers and that the vast majority of mcs are unexplainable. With both my MCs I never had any tests at all after them - they don't test anything here until after 3 mcs - 2 mcs are just seen as "one of those things". I've also had 2 healthy pregnancies and now have 2 DDs - so try to be positive about next time.

MC is shit