BFN Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[EddiesGirl]

First of all, I'm sorry - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I feel so angry today & I just don't know where to go. I just need to vent and this is the only place I can think to come. I don't want to keep burdening my friends with my misery - people thinking of the right things to say to me. I'm also sorry as I'm not an angry type of person, I try to enter life with gusto and positivity - but right now I feel as though it's getting me no where, so perhaps it might help if I just go with this one.

Anyway, the nub of it - I just got my period. I'm so hacked off I can't tell you. Every one else is pregnant - why not me? I feel as though we've done everything right, why isn't it happening? It's hard to rejoyce, enjoy the summer, glasses of wine etc, when it was last year I said 'this will be my last summer before babies' and a year on we're back to square one. I can't enter into the spirit of just enjoying the summer when there should be a baby on the way.

I don't want to do the hard done by card, but I've taken my knocks, I've paid off debt, I've left an unhappy marriage, I've learnt to roll with the punches - why, why for once in my life can't things work out? The last thing I want is for this m/c to 'beomce me', I want to feel like 'me' again, but the longer it goes, the more the frustration takes over.

Once again, I'm sorry to vent - there really is no more to say, other than I'm fed up with picking myself up. If any one has some crumbs of comfort, I'd love to hear them. XXXXXXXXXXXX

[Bonsoir]

How long have you been TTC and how old are you?

[LIG1979]

Morning eddiesgirl,
Sorry you are feeling so low. I do think everyone get periods like this but on the surface are great - I know I have had very low posts here on MN when people in RL think I am doing fine even my DH.

I think the trouble I had with a mc was the loss of plans. I had a good xmas and new year and then started trying in january. now it is june one week on from an ERPC and 7 weeks on from the start of the mc and I am back to square one. I have two minds - one is thinking well if I get pregnant in 3 weeks then the baby will be born in March etc. etc. - the other mind is trying to not plan like that. At the moment, I am trying to fill in lots of activities in the future that I will enjoy if I am not pregnant - if I don't get pregnant then I will be able to enjoy those activities - if I do then I will be so happy to be pregnant then it won't matter if I have to cancel. It makes it into a win win situation.

I think the fact that everyone is pregnant but not me is a very common one for people who experience mc. My pregnancy radar is starting to subside but I still find I get jealous when other people find that getting pregnant and staying pregnant is such an easy experience. I am happy for them but that green eyed monster is still there.

Realised I did not give you much comfort but there are lots of happy stories out there and for most of us it is just bad luck. (Or so the doctors and nurses keep telling me!)

Hope you feel better soon x

[EddiesGirl]

Hi there LIG,

Thanks for your kind & lovely words & sorry for venting. Sometimes it just helps to speak to people who you know are in the same boat. I'm so sorry you've been through such a loss as well, thank you for understanding. I appreciate your friendship.

You're right, it is the loss of plans which is the hard one - and yet some how it makes it hard to plan again, in case another pregnancy comes along. But you're right, if I just plan lots of lovely things that I can't do when I'm pregnant, the worse thing I can do is cancel them if I am - that's not such a bad situation. Perhaps I should book a 2 week wine tasting & mussel eating holiday in France next month and then see what happens!

Bonsoir, in answer to your earlier questions - I'm 35 and started to miscarry in March. Perhaps I'm wrong to expect to be pregnant so soon - when I got my first period after my m/c I was honestly ok, felt happy my body was back into the swing of things. Anger wasn't something I expected to feel this morning. I guess it's just the false up. When I miscarried, every one said you're ultra fertile after you m/c, which got me through those first weeks. Now I think it's better if I 'park' that one and just try and get on with things as best I can.

Honestly, forgive this very basic explaination of conception - but the way I see it is like a big game of darts - so why if there are so many, do they keep missing the target?!

My best friend (pregnant, obviously) is coming over later with her fertility, so at least that's a different angle for next month. I'll keep you posted. Thanks for being there girls.

Big love, XX

[EddiesGirl]

Must quickly add - that should read, my best friend is coming over with her fertilty KIT (very important missing word!) for me to use. I'll let you know how I get on. X

[LIG1979]

If you book a 2 week wine tasting & mussel eating holiday in France next month you will guarantee that you are pregnant by then. I may book it too and come with you! x (Don't even like mussels but I am quite fond of wine.)

[crochetcircle]

Fwiw I searched for evidence of the 'more fertile after a miscarriage' myth and found no research to back it up. I think it's a myth, and creates false hope.

I found getting my period after my mmc last year completely destroyed me every month. But I couldn't stop trying. It took us 4 cycles to conceive again (am now just about to pop).

Re: your darts comment, have you watched the great sperm race on YouTube? It's actually a miracle that anyone ever gets pregnant when you consider how many sperm don't make it!

Good luck with your next cycle, and don't be too hard on yourself.

[EddiesGirl]

Cc- thanks so much for putting that myth to bed- I know these things are said with the best intention but they bite you on the bum.

So glad to hear you're about to pop- now that is far more reassuring- a REAL story. I shall look up the sperm race on you tube & giggle, 3 glasses of pink cava & I'm feeling more mellow!

Big love, XXX

[GenericDietCola]

Eddiesgirl and LIG I am in a similar position to both of you. I had a MMC discovered at my 12 week scan at the end of March and I'm desperate to be pregnant again. I had medical management, which failed, followed by an ERPC. Two weeks ago I did a HPT and got a BFP, but sadly following blood tests and consultations with the dr it looks like I had ANOTHER bloody MC. Still no bleeding and my hCG is still raised, but far too low for a viable pregnancy. I am now waiting for a scan to see WTF is going on.

I hope my body/cycles come back to normal soon so I can try again.

I wish you both all the best - it is so hard to get over a MC when you keep thinking 'I should be X weeks pregnant by now' and everyone else seems to have lovely healthy, pregnancies. I suppose we just have to stay positive (hollow laugh) and believe that we will get there in the end. X

[stmalo]

Oh Eddiesgirl - you have my sympathies, I know exactlty what you mean.
I now don't drink and I'm on weight watchers, so my social life has taken quite a dive. I'm doing this because I don't want the thought of 'was it the glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant ....' or 'is it really my weight ....' I know what you mean about planning - my year was planned out, and my holiday in Wales in August - I would have been 7 months pregnant - Now I'm thinking wine tasting and mussel eating in France sounds lush! :-) I'd arranged extra cover for the summer at work, and now don't need it and so on and so on. And then there are events related to work, where I'm thinking do I book this - I might be pregnant by then . . . nightmare - this stuff really messes with your head, and there is no reason why you can't Vent sometimes xxx