Am I being over-sensitive?

[googietheegg]

I found out I had a MMC on Monday and was told to go home with Misoprostol for it to happen 'naturally'. I told my parents on Monday too. I've been going through hell the last few days with pain and bleeding, but my husband's been wonderful. My question is my parents haven't called me since tuesday morning, when they said they'd do anything for me, that they were thinking of us etc etc. Nothing, not a call, text, anything. I live in France so they can't just pop round.
I am just being lame and over-emotional?

Hi

I sympathise with you and to a certain extent I dont think your being over sensitive. My parents pretty much left me to. I had ERPC but I only heard from my mum once, she felt it was best I was left alone with DH to deal with what has happened. She has been the same with my sister who recently miscarried.

I just dont think people know what ot say ordo.

sorry for your loss x

They probably don't know what to say or do for you, so don't want to do the wrong thing and cause you any further upset.
Call them!
I'm sorry for your loss x

Thank you both. It makes you realise how it is difficult to support people, and that it's hard to guess what people want. The truth is, I've been desperate for some nice things, new things...to have some nice stuff around me to distract me from what's going on, especially as it's been really painful. My best friend sent me some flowers and my husband's been great and got magazines and sweets, so I feel like I sound like such a spoilt brat.

My mum at first was crying and saying that she'd fly over and could be here really quickly, but I've just heard nothing since, which is weird as I often speak to them more often than this. I actually feel a bit let down by them, but I know that's probably not fair.

Your dad has probably talked to her into the midset of saying dont interupt you and your husband. At the end of the day your with your husband now so they understand they cant butt in every few minutes as much as they did when you were a child. If you want to speak to them definatly ring them, i know its a horrible time for you at the moment but i was the same, took everything to heart especially anything i didn agree with and made a huge deal out of it.Now i see though that people were backing off to give me space and time to deal with it on my own which im grateful for, Why not arrange a little break for your mum and take her up on her suggestion to visit you both, then plan lots of lovely days out for when she gets there! x

So sorry for your loss.

I'm wondering if your mum is grappling with her own feelings about this and hasn't phoned you becasue she doesn't want to get upset on the phone again and risk distressing you even more.

I would just phone them and say to them that you need them.

Thank you for your replies. I just don't know how to handle it - my dad called me this morning but I didn't answer. He often calls me on a Saturday morning, so it just felt like 'business as usual', but I've had such a hellish week I can't just have our usual jokey chat about the news and what we're cooking for dinner. I also don't want to make a big deal out of it and cause a big issue, as I know that I'm in a vulnerable place and there's no reason why anyone should do anything for me.

I 'spose the bottom line is they've got a history of saying big things and promising they'll support me etc and they never really have, so I feel it's another example of them promising something that never materialises.

Vix, I like your suggestion of mum visiting, but tbh it would be such a big deal to actually get her over here that I don't want to ask and then it not happen. A couple of weeks ago (before the MMC) my mum actually said to me that she wished I lived in London so she could just hop on the train and come and visit, but the fact is we're only in France (near 3 airports!), she has time and money, and when I actually did live in London for 5 years she never once hopped on the fucking train to see me anyway!!!

I would outright ask them to come down and visit. I aksed mine as I had a mc this week. I'm glad i did. its not making a big deal. its needing a bit of support either emotional or practical or both. I wasn't in that much pain and i didn't feel to upset but somewhow i needed it.

Your parents might feel they don't want to interfere but also they might want to help their daughter in her time of need and not know how. ask them, tell them you need some support. sometimes parents like to feel needed.

If you don't want them to come then pick up the phone at least.

OK so I called them back and left a message then they called me back - all 'Hi googie, how are you? did you have a good week? the sun has been shining here...' like a normal saturday morning chat. It was weird. I said I'd had a horrible week, then it all went quiet like I'd let them down by not being all jolly. We sort of had a bit of a chat about the fact that I would have appreciated a call, but it basically ended up with me having to make my mum feel better. hey ho, I can't make anyone do anything for me and they have their own life to deal with, I know that, but I do feel let down.

I'm just really lucky my husband has been so good at looking after me, with his own sadness to deal with. I'm feeling a lot better now, even though the bleeding's still happening, but I feel a lot stronger.

Thanks for all your advice everyone xxx

Now to decide when to start trying again?!?!?

I really don't know how to move on from this, and my husband says it won't do me any good to be trying to find a scapegoat. I just feel let down that I had no support from people who basically I think should have contacted me. As we'd only told a very few people, it was only those people who we told we'd lost the baby. It also meant that I leant really heavily on my husband and of course he had his own grief to deal with.

We only told my parents, one brother, my best friend, my in laws (divorced) and my husband's brother and sil, and the only person that called me was my best friend. I did have an email from my mil, but it just said 'thinking of you' rather than that I could call her or anything. I also had a nice email from my fil and my best friend sent me some flowers and was very good on the phone. My parents didn't call me at all. I feel like I've 'seen behind the curtain' with these relationships; I try to get it right with them and their sad times and of course maybe I fail miserably, but I really try not to and I certainly wouldn't not call at all.

I just can't be bothered to be interested in their lives anymore, when I feel like they weren't there for me during the worst week of my life.

My husband just spoke to his mum for the first time since we told her and she's told friends of hers what's happened too.

Please give me some advice as I know my husband is right to say that the worst part is we've lost a baby and the rest is just small details.

He is most certainly right and you also need to realise that your hormones are all over the place and clouding your judgement too. So your mum and dad didnt call when you wanted them too, theyre not mind readers so you need to tell them you really would of liked a bit more support, sorry if that sounds harsh but i learnt the hard way that if you dont ask, you dont get, if they dont call you all the time then dont take it to heart, they may be hurting over the loss of a grandchild too (i dont mean to take anything away from you but its a possibility).
It seems by the way they have gone about things they have chose the pretent it never happened route and never mention it again, some people will find it hard to know what to say so will purposely avoid you for a while, others will be over the top, it just takes time for everyone involved, it will get easier its just a horrible time for you right now but just be thankful for the people you have and concentrate on those. take care, and i most certainly think you should invite your mum over if nothing else you can ask at least xxx

Thanks Vix, good advice. I am focusing on my husband and two friends that have been really supportive, and will try to forget the pain of not being contacted by people who I thought would have done.

My mum did the same with me and it really hurt... as for the wanting nice things thing - I went in for an ERPC as, lost though it was, my body did a cracking job of hanging onto it and actually intentionally planned (and did) go to Ikea on the way home to go shopping for a new duvet set as I NEEDED to go to sleep in some sheets that felt untainted by all the misery of waiting for an answer on ours (it was a missed MC that dragged on a good few weeks before we got a definite answer) and the whole new sheet feeling helped rub away some of the feeling of ikk if that makes sense.

It sounds like you've got a very similar relationship to your mum as I do to mine - we always make the effort to visit her and, being honest, she's dire at the emotional fluffy stuff and very much a "doing" practicalities person. It hurt she didn't even offer to come see me - but I know her well enough to know in her mind she saw it as giving us some space... of course, when she rang us that her best friend was dying - we were there within 3 hours (and we live 3 1/2 hours drive away).

That's families though - my MIL delighted in telling us how distraught SIL was at the loss of a bookcase to accomodate her nursery - near enough after the last MC that things were very raw and painful - just didn't make the mental connection between the two facts. Even they, and they were the better half of the equation coming out of the MC, refuse to acknowledge or talk about it anymore now!

You've got a fella who's doing his best - lean on each other and you DO come out the other side of it - even if you feel like emotionally you've done 37 rounds with a heavyweight boxer in the ring at the other end of it all!

emptyshell you're so right! I'm getting to grips with the fact that no one called me, but what I don't know how to handle is when someone (prob my mum or mil) at some point says that 'we all support each other' or some such bollocks when it comes up. They didn't support me at all.

My mil has a history of saying stupid stuff that upsets me, but because my sil (her dil) is a really difficult person, I've been tagged with being 'the good one', so I don't want to make things difficult. My husband is terrific, and is keen not to encourage my feelings that his mum isn't always entirely innocent when she says things to me, or that I am purposefully interpreting it negatively, when when it happens so often I'm not sure.

The first thing mil said to me when we told her I was pregnant was 'well, whatever happens, at least you know you can get pregnant' - which has been said to me since we lost the baby (and it's a shit thing even then) but not when you tell someone you're pregnant!! She said it twice, and I asked her please not to say it again as it was a worrying enough time anyway, and rather than saying sorry, or just not saying it again, she had to say 'yes but...' and repeat it!!! I feel like she wants to say 'I told you so' now we've lost the baby.

Also, mil is supposed to be going on holiday today, but with the ash cloud it may be delayed from London, so I'm pre-emptively pissed off that my husband will call her to see if she's ok, when I never even got a fucking phone call when we lost a baby!! I have no good will for people who didn't support me, but I know that will make me into a bitter old bag!!!

My husband is no mummy's boy though, and he will always support me, after all, she didn't call him to see if he was OK either.