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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Help for someone suffering miscarriage

12 replies

Brianstorm · 03/05/2011 19:16

Have searched and also gone through Miscarriage threads to find this, so apologies if I either offend/upset anybody, or repeat a thread, but really want some help on this.

A close family member has just suffered a miscarriage, and I want to do something to show support without being in your face - something like a gift, something nice to call round with, etc, etc. Can you please tell me honestly what would have went even a tiny bit towards cheering you up a bit? I know that nothing can make up for it, I really just want to be there for her.


OP posts:
EmmaCB1 · 03/05/2011 19:20

That's lovely of you.

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and flowers and chocolate brownies both helped cheer me up. And both times the friends dropped them on my door step and then sent a text to save me coming to the door if I wasn't feeling up to it, which was thoughtful.

HorseyGirl1 · 03/05/2011 19:20

Speaking from experience... I found that it was the handwritten letters and cards that meant the most. Not flowers or things. Something from the heart that shows you care and a letter or card will do just that. It's not in your face just shows you are thinking about her. Sorry you are in this situation x

creamcracker · 03/05/2011 19:26

Hi Brainstorm, what a lovely thoughtful person you are.

I can only speak for myself regarding this, but every little gift/card I was given after my MC meant so much as it just meant that the person was thinking about me and there for me. I had some flowers sent and a close family member bought me a voucher to go for some pampering when I was ready. I was also given a heart carved out of wood, I personally found this really nice as it is a little something I been able to keep for the baby I lost. Sometimes it the smaller things that actually mean more. If she just knows you are there for her that will mean more than any gift, I'm sure.

I hope everything turns out ok for her and with people like you in her life I'm sure she will get through this.

Brianstorm · 06/05/2011 10:05

Thanks so much for taking the time to write a response - having some other family issues going on at the moment, so haven't been able to get the time to reply until now. Some really good ideas there - will go out today looking for something like the heart, and a nice card to leave for her - and not just calling in! Lovely to have some insight into how she really will be feeling, and wanting by way of support.

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emptyshell · 06/05/2011 13:39

I got some flowers sent which felt good... other than that I needed support with day to day stuff cos I couldn't deal with going out when buggies and prams were everywhere (to this day I've got walking around Tesco inspecting the ground down to a fine art).

kat2504 · 10/05/2011 09:20

People not avoiding you is the biggest help. Also when you are off work sitting around at home is quite depressing so an offer of a visit, or going somewhere low key, like for a coffee or something if she is up to going out, or round yours for a lunch. It's easy to feel very isolated after a miscarriage, especially when you are at home in the day and your partner has gone back to work.

verybusyspider · 10/05/2011 09:33

Its such a personal thing and you know your friend best - maybe it depends how pregnant they were and the circumstances - personally I miscarried (early) on wednesday/thursday and just want to be left alone, dh and I are grieving in our own way and I don't want to be fussed over or told to rest and take it easy, I don't want everything I'm doing at the moment to be defined by the miscarriage and how everyone thinks I should be feeling and acting.
The best thing for me has been my close friend not assuming how I should be feeling but just letting me know she is there and free for a coffee - exactly like kat2504 said..not avoiding you, acknowledging that its happened, that people are thinking of you but not getting in a flap about it or going too overboard with grand gestures (personally if I got flowers that wouldn't be right for me my friends never send me flowers and it would feel to funeral esq) - there are some lovely ideas on here I'm sure you know what your friend needs at the moment x

Brianstorm · 10/05/2011 23:21

Thanks for your further comments - will take it all on board. And thanks VBS, I do have a feel for her, and she knows me well enough to be able to refuse a visit. She already has done, but called round the next day on an errand.

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theressomethingaboutmarie · 11/05/2011 08:35

I was quite the opposite to many respondents. I just wanted to be left alone. My DH kept encouraging me to go out and spend time with friends but I simply wasn't ready to give the details or talk about it until I'd processed it myself.

junkcollector · 11/05/2011 19:43

Thank you for posting this Brianstorm. I just found out that a close friend is suffering an MC and came on to ask how I should show her I care.

Imnotaslimjim · 14/05/2011 10:53

The biggest thing for me through each of my MC's (I had 6) was letting me talk. I had one friend who was there each and every time, with chocolate, wine and tissues and she sat with me for hours and hours and just let me ramble, and cry, and ramble some more. Everyone reacts differently obviously but I've found talking and making it real is the best thing

Brianstorm · 15/05/2011 23:32

I'm so glad I posted this - it's been a real eye opener to see how people respond to grief from miscarriages. Junkcollector, even more pleased that you too got some benefit from it - hopefully others will if they do a search on mumsnet like we both did.

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