Just suffered third miscarriage - husband doesn't understand how I feel

[user5178623]

I've just had my third consecutive miscarriage at five weeks in the last 18 months. We have no children. We have some fertility problems too and have been ttc really hard, so this last pregnancy seemed like the miracle we had been waiting for. I am feeling incredibly depressed, just have no idea how to go on.

I have tried to put a brave face on for the last few days and sorted out further testing etc., but most of the research I've done has just made me feel more hopeless about having a successful pregnancy in future. There are success stories out there, but also so many terribly sad endings.

The worst thing is that my DH just doesn't understand. For the first day or so he was really supportive and saying the right things, but after a week (most of which I've been pasting on a smile for his sake) I'm feeling really down and he says he can't understand why I have to react like this, why I have to be so negative, it will just work out if we keep trying etc. etc. It's like he doesn't feel remotely sad at the loss of a third baby (he was the same after the first two - even though he'd love to have a family now). People say "oh he's a man, he must be upset just doesn't show it". I really think he's not and just thinks I'm making a big fuss over nothing, that at five weeks it's 'only a few cells' that if we just keep shagging it will happen. It's like he has no concept of how much losing a pregnancy does affect someone.

Anyone have any wise words? I don't think I can handle my marriage ending after all this too.

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Have you considered trying some counselling to talk about how you feel? It must be really difficult for you feeling your partner doesn't understand how you feel. I don't know what else to say really, but wanted to say how sorry I am for you.

Look after yourself, and use whatever support you have - friends, family, your GP. Don't feel like you have to put on a brave face. xx

You poor, poor thing. Recurrent miscarriage is a very isolating experience, and it can't help if you can't open up to your partner.
There's a recurrent buns thread on here, where we're all at various stages of waiting for testing, waiting for results, having treatment, pregnant and there are even some babies!
I found this thread invaluable for helping me work through my worries (I've had four miscarriages) and also giving me hope.

I tried counselling after my third miscarriage. I think it can be really helpful for some people, especially if the counsellor offers lots of suggestions for how to cope. I think couple's counselling can also help if you feel the miscarriages are pushing you apart. You will be grieving...and everything you're feeling right now is completely normal given the circumstances.

What research have you done? There are two books I would recommend...Lesley Regan's 'Miscarriage' & Dr Alan Beers 'Is Your Body Baby Friendly'. The former lists all the things that the NHS test for, the latter focuses on immunological issues and covers areas that most NHS consultants won't - there are a few though, as well as private clinics. I think it's best to inform yourself as fully as possible about the causes as this will help the process. The more knowledge you have, the more empowered you'll feel.