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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Do your miscarried babies 'grow up' in your head?

25 replies

darleneconnor · 19/04/2011 22:31

I keep thinking of what my 'might have been' baby would be like now. Do most people go through this post-miscarriage?

OP posts:

YouRemindMeOfTheBabe · 20/04/2011 15:16

Yes. And I'm nearly six months after my due date now. But it doesn't hurt as much, and it's less upsetting as it was in the early days, if that helps?

neolara · 20/04/2011 15:22

I've had 4 mc. The first was nearl 8 years ago, the last 2 1/2. I still think about the mcs fairly frequently, but it's not painful in the way it was. I very occasionally think about what I might have had. In fact I did so yesterday, as 3 of the babies would have been due around now. But I am very lucky and have 3 children now, so when I do think about what might have been, I also think about who I wouldn't have had if things had turned out differently. And I can't imagine my life without the kids I have now. In a weird way, I find this quite reassuring.

MrsSteph · 20/04/2011 20:32

Neolara you are so right!
I have a DD 18mths and deperately want a 2nd child but we are planning to stop at 2 due to my age & financil situation (although never say never)
In December I got pregnant straight away but so sadly MC in Feb, I was devasted but I looked at my DD & thought 1 day I will have a baby & the baby I get I wouldn't change for the world & if I didn't have this MC then I would not have this amazing child now. I got pregnant again straight away but I am heartbroken to say I lost this baby also yesterday.
When I am being positive I believe I had to go through this & 1 day I will have my baby that would not be here if these sad event hadn't happen!
When I not positive I am struggling to understand any of it!x

DiscoDaisy · 20/04/2011 20:42

I'm going to go against the grain here. My second pregnancy ended in m/c at 13 weeks just over 12 years ago. I've since had 4 more pregnancies ending in 4 more beautiful children.
At the time of my m/c I was absolutely devastated. About 9 months after my m/c I conceived again and my due date was very similar to my m/c pregnancy but a year later.
Whilst very upset and emotional at the time I vary rarely think of my m/c baby now.
I don't know why.

MandaHugNKiss · 21/04/2011 19:14

It's only three weeks tomorrow since I was medically managed (followed by emergency erpc) for a 16+ week mmc, but so far each friday (the day it happened) and each monday (my 'rollover' day when I would have been another week pregnant) have been very hard. I sobbed to DP last Friday 'Every Friday won't be like this, will it?' and I don't suppose they will... but, for now, I'm accutely aware of the passage of time and what it would mean for my lost little one.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/04/2011 19:30

My mmc was 3 months ago but Thursdays are hardest because that's my 'rollover' day (I like that word). I'd be 24 weeks now, I can't believe it's gone so quickly. I can see this carrying on till my due date, then, who knows.

Glitterybits · 21/04/2011 20:40

My second baby would have been one at the end of this month. I suppose the date is made even more memorable by the fact that it is the birthday of another family member. I know EDDs are just that, but I doubt I will ever stop thinking about what might have been. I will always think of my baby on that day. Having said that, I am pregnant again and, whilst it doesn't lessen the pain of my lost baby, I am a little less distraught than I was this time last year.

theghostofposhlymanor · 21/04/2011 21:01

My second 'imaginary' baby grows up in my head, he (for some reason he is definitely a boy) is 1 year and 7 months old.

I've never actually had a miscarriage, that's why he's imaginary. But this is how old my baby would be if I'd actually conceived within 6 months of trying, which is how long I thought it would take. It's actually been nearly 3 years now and I'm still not pregnant :(

mollycuddles · 21/04/2011 21:36

6 months after my miscarriage I met a girl through a work course who was pg with my due date. That was hard but by the time I reached the date I was pg which helped. For me there never was a baby. The placenta started developed but no sac which I found oddly comforting as no baby actually died :(

hairylights · 21/04/2011 22:07

No. Mine would have been due new years eve 10, June 11 and sept 11. I do think "baby 1 would've been 3 months" and "I'd have been 7 months pregnant" but it's "would have been" for me.

Bert2e · 23/04/2011 22:00

Yes, "she" would be 7 now and I still think about the daughter I never got to hold.

Blobby11 · 24/04/2011 00:44

Yes I would have been due tomorrow. I'm pregnant again - 22 weeks - and everything appears to be going ok but still sad for what could have been. DH doesn't understand and changes the subject whenever I bring it up. To really top it all we've got the inlaws coming to lunch tomorrow and my FIL drives me mental. Ho hum

EasterIgg · 24/04/2011 22:55

Yes. I "should" have a 6 month old, or a 1 month old, or be 6 months pregnant. I mourn them equally though obviously if pg had worked out I would only ever have had one of them, which is a strange thought.
I'm sure I'll still think "DC2 should be 10 now", or whatever.

chocadoodle · 26/04/2011 19:05

I've tried not to think about it like that to be honest. I should be by now either just over 6 months pregnant or just over 4 months pregnant having had 2 MCs close together. I don't know how many weeks I would be and I'm surprised I managed to forget so quickly. I suffer from anxiety anyway and if I was thinking like that all the time I'd drive myself completely mad.

I don't know how I'll be around the due dates, but hopefully I'll be pregnant by then so will have something else to think about. I do think though that they would have both been boys. Probably because I already have a DS I can't imagine me ever being pregnant with a girl.

detoxdiva · 26/04/2011 19:13

I too try not to think like that tbh - for me it wouldn't be healthy.

I did feel throughout the remainder of what would have been the pregnancy, even though I became pregnant 2 months after my mc. I did have a little cry on my due date, and still feel a little every year as another year passes. However, I feel blessed that I did manage to conceive soon after so any sadness is compensated by the joy of my new baby.

HidingInTheHonsCupboard · 26/04/2011 19:42

So many people I know gave birth within a couple of weeks of my due date and I 'see' my baby boy playing with them - it sounds mad, but I can't help it. When you have a very pre-term baby (officially miscarriage - but what a joke to call prolonged labour that) and they are so thin they look like little old people and you can see every feature so clearly. I know what my boy would look like now, with his father's nose and lanky legs, and my families hands and feet, and I know what he would look like as an adult too.

If we are blessed with another child, they could never replace him.

SagaciousCloud · 26/04/2011 20:02

No. I deliberately made no effort to remember the dates and due dates of my mcs. Rarely think about them now. For me its much healthier to the future.

Magic8ballhastheanswers · 27/04/2011 22:41

Funny I often think this, 2nd anniversary coming up for dd2 whom I lost at 21 weeks. I never say birthday as she was so so very tiny and I can't think of her being 2 iykwim? But I always wonder if she will be the tiny 21 week old baby i held or if she would have grown up when I meet her in heaven........

Procrastinating · 09/05/2011 19:05

Mine would be 2 on Sunday if born on the due date.
I had a lovely DD after my miscarriage but I can't get over the one I lost, I feel the absence all the time. I hope this will stop but it hasn't yet.

bigbumum · 09/05/2011 19:10

No, its too painful.
Ive had 5mcs.

Having said that, my first i had a name, and was convinced she was a girl.She would have been 10 now.

I have never thought of any of the others. I just cant, i cant.

DarthNiqabi · 09/05/2011 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluerodeo · 09/05/2011 19:15

I've had 3 and never think about dates now. I did when it was v fresh and my children were babies or weren't yet born - have 3dcs now.

huffythethreadslayer · 09/05/2011 19:16

I had 4 mcs and possibly a 5th when I was in my 20's. I think with fear about the first (possible) mc, who would now be a 26 year old!?! Scary! and the rest I only think about occasionally, usually when prompted to by my 10 year old.

It's hard to never think of the 'babies' again if you don't get the family you wanted iykwim. For me, I wanted two or three children at least, but ended up with just the one. She's gorgeous and I'm grateful for her every day...but I do sometimes think about what it would be like to have one of her lost brothers or siters with her.

minmooch · 09/05/2011 22:32

No - I have had 8 miscarriages and stillborn id twin girls at 21 + weeks. If I thought of them all growing up I think it would have sent me mad.

I focus more on my daughters obviously, but I find it too distressing to think of the others.

Rooble · 09/05/2011 22:40

Not any more - did through entire (non) pregnancy and found due date very very difficult as a good friend had a baby the same day. Now that he's 16 months I can cuddle him and it barely crosses my mind. It did take a while and was difficult though.

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