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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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How did other people take your new news??

7 replies

Vix1980 · 11/04/2011 18:13

I started mc-ing ast week at 5+6 and still continue to bleed,have scan on weds, but of the few i did tell i was even pregnant (around 3 people) 2 have told me that everything will be ok on wednesday, and that i still look pregnant (boobs massive etc!), Ive tried to tell them i know its all over this time and trying to stay a little positive about it, but everyone is getting me down telling me itsok, theyre just not listening and im starting to believe them when really i know my own body best.

My partner was a little insensitive at first, thursday when i told him he said well we wernt trying anyway, today he was off work anyway and i caught him crying his heart out, he finally came out with it and said hes been terrified of upsetting me.all weekend ive been feeling like crap and hes been trying to cheer me up, i feel so guilty now that i thought he didnt care so have been keeping myself to myself and ignoring him a bit cos it upsets me to talk to him about it, then after this i find out hes bottled it all up but he doesnt believe me either and just says everything will be ok, did people believe you when you first told them or is this the normal response to try to deny it and make everything ok? xx

OP posts:
MandaHugNKiss · 11/04/2011 19:02

My situation was very different to yours so I won't compare them directly.

What I will say is this; it's human nature (for the most part) to hope for the best and simply 'good manners' to be positive when someone presents a situation that could be ending badly but hasn't been proven yet ie when there's still hope most people will cling to the idea it'll be ok and encourage you to do the same.

Also, with your partner, that's a very 'male' response; to be 'strong'. As women, we need to try and remember that most men will have a fairly typical response but it doesn't mean they don't 'feel' THey just need some encourgement to share, often.

I hope you do get good news at the scan. Of course, it could go either way... but I HOPE for good news!

LauraInGuildford · 12/04/2011 06:11

Vix - Hi its me again.
Your post just had me in tears as I caught my other half looking really tearful last night after getting back from A&E. He was brilliant in A&E although I did loose it completely in the car on the way home, after he asked about what we were going to do about dinner. (Food wasn't at the top of my list.) But later, I caught him looking like he was crying and he said he just wasn't feeling well as he was so hungry. However, he won't really talk about it - he just keeps giving me cuddles and saying he loves me and we can try again. I wish I could look after him but I really can't at the moment.

As I said, on another thread. I wish I had told close friends because I think it would be easier to say I had miscarried than have to tell them that I was pregnant and have miscarried. Also, I am supposed to be going out tomorrow night and will need to either lie or be very evasive about why I have cancelled. Also, with work I wish I had told them as I don't think I will be able to go back into work immediately so then they have to find out I am miscarrying and hence trying for a baby - I was hoping if I miscarried before telling them I was pregnant they would never need to know. I am also terrified of telling the DH's mum as I don't think I can look after her as she will be gutted and my mum will just want me to dwell on it forever which I would rather not do.

I think for the moment, I will just keep my phone off and cut out the rest of the world.

x

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/04/2011 07:45

I'm sure everyone here is sick of my story but I had a scan at 11 weeks and the baby had died at 6 weeks. For that 5 weeks really I knew something wasn't right. I get sick at the slightest reason and was really sick with dd but with this one I wasnt even a tiny bit sick. That rang alarm bells for me. I mentioned it to everyone who knew including my gp and they all dismissed it. Finally I found a hospital that would scan me and it was all over.

I have to say though, anyone that knew I was pg, which was basically the two mothers, my brother and two people at work, all burst into tears when I told them about the mc. No one else appeared to give tuppence.

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 07:54

Oh, poor you. So sorry that you are going through this.

I think the default for many is to try to be positive, and tell you that everything will be fine. Or "never mind, it was for a reason, you will have other chances..." which may sound trite but are well meant. It is hard to listen to though.

My friend miscarried last year and our mutual friends were all saying, "Oh, you will be fine, bleeding happens in pregnancy sometimes, stay positive...". I found it very very difficult, because from my experience I could not see how the outcome would be good. At the same time, I did not want to say, "Look, prepare yourself for the worst, I don't think that it is going to go well at the scan".

Get a hold of your partner, and tell him how you feel. That you need to be able to express yourself, and you need him to be honest with you.

Take care of yourself.

Vix1980 · 12/04/2011 15:09

Im so sorry for all the horribleness everyone else is feeling also, i know how it feels, my partner still is depressed,its really weird cos he is always the 1 who holds it together and im the crying mess, thats just how we are, even on the car journey to work he never said 2 words to me, weve been texting each other through the day but hes really hurting and i dont know what to say to him, i was like this friday and all weekend and started being ok about it yesterday but this has just knocked me back, im currently in bed, had to get off work and just come home, i only vol in a charity shop today but have even walked out with a couple of t shirts, genuinely not thinking and forgot to pay for them so now im sure they must think im a thief.it was the last thing on my mind as im walking zombie like to my car!

Laura - dont blame you for shutting out the world, your totally allowed to and maybe if you just told your mum when your feeling a bit more positive so you can tell her then explain you dont like to dwell on it and will be looking to the future so shell take the hint maybe, your partner sounds fab though, its good hes expressing how he feels cos if he didnt it would end up probably much worse if he bottles it all in

GwendolineMaryLacey - Im so sorry to hear your experience was like that, as long as the people you loved where there for you even if they showed it through crying there still there to care for you and shows you how much they did care, hope your looking after yourself now xx

OP posts:
LauraInGuildford · 13/04/2011 04:02

Hello,
After finding out that the baby died yesterday I did tell a few close friends just to get support - they have been great. I think if/when I get pregnant again I will tell a few select friends just so that I can get support.

Decided I would put the information in an email to my boss as I don't think I could do it to his face without blubbing. Decided that he will need to know as I will need to take some more time off sick and probably not be at my greatest work wise.

GwendolineMaryLacey - that experience sounds horrible. Hopefully they just didn't know how to react rather than didn't care.

Vix, I think men find it difficult to talk. I know when my hubby's best mate's wife left him they ended up going out to play squash and it took 2 sets before they finally discussed it on a squash court. No sitting down and talking about things like us women do. I have been forcing him to talk although luckily he is quite good. (Hopefully, today will be good news and it won't be needed!)

That's me for now....may try and sleep now x x

hairylights · 13/04/2011 21:08

People do have that habit of saying it'll all be ok. It's misguided hope that it will be, they do it because they want it to be but sadly it hurts when they do.

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