Rambly, sad post, mainly talking to myself.

[Underachieving]

Please tell me I am not the only one secretly hurting as I walk past 6ft high displays of Mothers Day tat? I hate Mothers Day tat, why does it hurt so much? It shouldn't hurt. I have 2 daughters.

Sometimes I don't feel I have a right to be upset, some women have not yet had the blessing of the two healthy girls I still have. For those two girls I am deeply grateful.

But there were meant to be another two, my first and third, were my only son and another much wanted little girl. Is it Ok to be sad, even when I had the result we all long for the other twice?

I'm also 12 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy number five, for a try at child number three. I hate that the numbers don't match. They should match! I lost my son later than this, much later. It will be a long time before the fear abates. Maybe not until I hold this baby in my arms. Do I call him/her "DC3" or "DC5". I feel like I'm lying if I say DC3, but in another way I feel like if I say DC5 no one will understand.

I want to tell people thier names. Of all the things I want to do, much more than I want to hold them, I want to tell people thier names. Is that weird? Perhaps it's because I hate that no one notices thier existance in this world anymore but me. Perhaps it's because it's all I have left. It doesn't make sense fully even to me.

Thier names were...

O.liver Mat.thew (should be 13)
Tr.essa Bre.allen Ka.te (should be coming on for 4 and 1/2)

If we repeat them can we put spoillers in please ladies? If my 11 year old should ever google her brother and sister, I would hate this to be what she saw.

I hate it as well. Am really really struggling now. Except 2 months on I shouldn't be, should I? At least that's what everyone thinks. I'm dragging it out, wallowing in it. But I can't move on. Today I got my period, 2nd one since mc. And I'm doubly angry. Angry because it's not fair, we did all the right things, and really angry because I shouldn't be having a fucking period, I should be 21 weeks. I should have had my anomaly scan, I should know if dd's new sibling is a boy or a girl. It's like every week is a new loss. This week is the loss of the 21 week old unborn child. I've added it to the loss of the 20 week old, the 19 week old...

I'm 40 in a few months, I've royally fucked everything up. All the years with dd when I didnt want children yet because I wasn't ready. Now there's s strong chance that dd will never have a sibling because of that. I hate it, I hate that I can't do anything to change this. And it's all I can think about, I'm good for nothing else.

Oh God, I'm so sorry Underachieving. I'm sorry I ranted on your thread, I didn't mean to write that. I can't seem to get past all this and it's choking me.

Of course you're right to be sad and angry and want them back. I dont think it will ever leave. And such lovely names. I never got that far, will never know how my family should have looked. I picked a name as well, a neutral one that I can't even tell DH because I know he won't understand. But it doesn't matter because I know.

No, please don't be sorry Gwen. I don't know what I expected people to reply with, I think perhaps I didn't expect them to reply at all, but the worst sort of reply would have been a trite, off the cuff one that meant nothing. Like "you should be over it". I'm not over Oll.ie. It's been 13 years and he wasn't even planned but I'm not over him. I loved him. I still love him. I can't imagine how you would be expected to be over your baby in 2 months. Of course it still hurts, it would be amazing if it didn't still hurt. If someone spoke to you like that in front of me I think they'd be wanting the floor to open when I'd finished with them! Somehow though, when it's us, we let the idoitic comments go to heart. It's not you. Really it's not you. It's them.

My 11 year old waited 11 years for a sister. My littlest is 6 months. My big girl doesn't know she might have another sister in another 6 months. After what happened with Ol.lie and Tr.essa I wont be saying a word for as long as I can possibly avoid it. I haven't even been to the Dr yet. I deserve to be shouted at for that and you may, I believe you have a right, I wouldn't take it from a man though, if you know what I mean.

You can say your baby's name to me. I understand. In my head every time I hear tell of naming children I think of the 10 names I have used, not the 5 owned by my surviving daughters. If I tell the truth that's probably why I like the Baby Names board so much. They love the names Ol.iver and K.ate over there. Every time someone says "that's lovely" it keeps my children real, somehow. Their names are all I have to make them real.