Miscarriage last November, still can't get past it

[wickedwitchofwaterloo]

Hi everyone,

I've written a bit about my miscarriage on here previously and I thought I was doing ok, but recently I've found it harder to cope with than ever
After having a round of IVF that had to be stopped after egg collection due to me getting hospitalised after severe OHSS, I took some time off to wait for a frozen cycle, when lo and behold, I fell pregnant naturally. I only knew about the pregnancy for three days, I think I knew in my heart for about 2 weeks I was pregnant, but I wouldn't let myself believe it until my boss made me do a test one morning.
I've never been so happy in my life, those words 'Pregnant - 1-2 weeks' will stay with me forever

After all the stress of the IVF and my feelings of uselessness, my body had finally done it. My partner and I were over the moon. This was on the Tuesday, on the Thursday night I was round my Dads, due to go for a doctors appointment to confirm everything, when I went to the toilet and there was fresh blood when I wiped. I knew then that it wasn't to be and I instantly went onto auto-pilot. The bleeding stayed the same the next morning, we were refered to the EPU who couldn't find anything on the scan, but said that it might have been too early (I should technically have been 6 weeks + 5 days - despite what the original test said) and I would have to come back for another set of bloods to check if they were going down or not.

But I knew what was going on and I accepted it. The next week was pure hell, I was in so much pain and the bleeding was really heavy. I think I past something at work (like a pinkish bloody piece of liver iyswim - sorry if TMI) and the bleeding lasted for abotu two weeks.

I was a wreak for a while, for the next few periods I was convinced I was pregnant again, I had symptoms and everything. But no. So to stop myself going made every month, I decided to go on the pill.

Fast forward to know, I find myself breaking down almost every day. Every time I see a bump I just think to myself, that should have been me. I should have been 25 weeks pregnant now.
I feel so robbed, empty and useless. It just doesn't seem fair, after all we went through, to have it so cruelly snatched away

Thank you for getting this far, does anyone know if it wil get any better for me or do I just need to get over it and carry on with my life? I just feel so pathetic at the moment x

I can't help you I am afraid WWOW but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and that I hope you feel better soon.

I can't help as my mc was only a couple of weeks ago (still ongoing I guess) but I have been really trying to think on the positive side of it and remember that it is unlikely that what was there was able to grow into an actual baby. I think the looking at other pregnant women thing is natural and very upsetting. It is something we all seem to do after a mc.

I am also trying to do all the things I like to do and can't do when pregnant - just to cheer myself up. Making plans to go out with friends, going out with DH, enjoying nice wine and food, planning a holiday, looking forward to lighter evenings and the summer etc etc and just basically keep looking forward and trying to enjoy life as it is. It sounds basic but when I have had serious problems in the past sometimes it has helped to write down a list of all the little things I am grateful for.

I wonder if it is worth you seeking some help from the GP? Is there a possibility you could be depressed? Your hormones are bound to be playing havoc too.

Really hope you start to feel better soon xx

WWOW and freelancegirl I'm so sorry for your losses.
My situation was slightly different in that my 12 week scan showed abnormalities that were "incompatible with life" This happened last November ('09). I was a complete wreck for about 8 weeks after, bursting into tears all over the place - every morning in the shower and every night in bed without fail and plenty more in between. I started to settle down a bit after that, although tears still crept up on me regularly. I also became obsessed with being pregnant again, and convinced myself I had pregnancy symptoms every month, only to be devastated when it proved otherwise. I was lucky that I did get pregnant again relatively quickly afterwards, and that did help, but in the mean time pregnant women and newborns were very hard to be around. I also tried doing the things i couldn't do when pregnant but had mixed results with that as really all I wanted was not to be able to do them - IYSWIM. What I'm trying to say is that what you are describing sounds pretty normal to me but I am also aware of how hard it is to cope with, so maybe a visit to your GP might be an idea? (S)he will be able to offer advice on how to cope, and also check you're not sinking into depression. It will get better with time but you might need some extra support in the meantime.
Take care.

Hi freelancegirl and kirrinIsland sorry for your losses and thank you for taking time to read and comment x

I think maybe I might go to my GP.

It is interesting that I see bits of myself on both of your stories though, when it first happened, I wasn't drinking because of waiting for the IVF so I made various jokes that I was happy I could drink again, but then over Christmas I found all the none alcoholic drinks my Dad had bought in for me and I was really sad that I didn't need them anymore because of what had happend.
You are right though freelancegirl I really do have a hell of a lot to be grateful for and I should try to focus on that when I feel down.

Thanks again, I feel a bit better knowing what I'm feeling is 'normal' x