I thought I was fine but ...

[FindingItTricky]

I'm writing this feeling awkward and hiding behind my hands but would welcome any help.

In the last 6 months, I've had 2 MMCs at about 7 weeks. The first one I mainly took in my stride because after an earlier MMC at 10 weeks and then a successful pregnancy I wasn't feeling the signs of being pregnant so didn't really "believe" in the baby. With the second one I felt the signs of pregnancy much more strongly and so it was much more of a shock when the bleeding started, but again, I haven't been floored by the experience. That was about a month ago.

I thought I was okay and generally I am, but I just seem to have zero libido It's not because I'm afraid of conceiving again - I want to get pregnant again as soon as poss after my next period. I just seem to be totally inert where all that sort of thing is concerned and can't face it. I'm wondering if this is how the sadness is coming out :(

DH is very supportive but I think he's finding it a bit odd because on a day to day basis, I've been absolutely fine except for immediately after the MMCs.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

Hi Tricky trust me you're not alone!

I've got absolutely no libido now whatsoever. I don't really know when it first disappeared but I've had a mc followed by DS (mc'd his twin) and have had 7 mc's in the last 2years. To be completely honest if it wasn't for the fact that I love my dh so much and also because we are desperate for dc2 I don't think it'd honestly bother me if I never made love ever again. As long as I get my kisses, cuddles and 'I love you' then I'm happy. I daren't admit to anyone in real life that I have no sexual desires because that would make me feel a failure and would also feel like I was saying that dh didn't 'get me going' which is not the case at all, I love him so much.

All I'm saying is don't worry you're not alone. I've never considered the MCs have anything to do with it as I felt I was coping but you've certainly given me food for thought.

Thank you so much Addicted - what a relief that it's not just me. What you describe is exactly how I am feeling too.

I'm wondering if its because I left the MCs to happen naturally and so have had a few weeks each time of feeling constantly a bit grubby and a bit smelly "down there". Maybe subconsciously that feeling hasn't completely faded yet and is making it hard to feel any sort of desire. Plus I'm always a bit overweight by the time I lose a baby so I'm feeling lumpy and big-bummed at the moment too. Maybe it'll sort itself out when we start TTC again.

Thanks again - really appreciated :)

It's so hard isn't it? I don't think you really get a chance to grieve properly when you have a DC already as you need to keep a smiley face on for them. I just feel that my body is completely useless and that I'm a failure as I can't do something that so many women do so easily every day of the year! My beautiful DS is 2 now and I always wanted my children to be close together age wise. I thought I'd have 2 children by now but it'll be a minimum of 3 years between them if not longer. My DS is really into babies too and always asking to watch babies on tv which makes me feel rubbish that I can't give him the sibling he'd love and he'd make such a wonderful big brother as he's so gentle with babies, animals etc. If I'd carried my first pregnancy after DS successfully I'd now have a 2.4 year old (DS) and an 11 month old.

I'm in 2 minds whether to carry on ttc. My heart says carry on as I'd love another DC and don't want DS to be an only child. My head says stop now as I can't take many more MCs.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to have a bloody good rant at over the injustice of it all I'm here.

hi you two, i'm with you on the no libido front. the rot actually set in after i had my DS (now 3.5). I was so exhausted all the time that I lost any interest in sex. when DS was one year old we started TTC. i got pregnant immediately but miscarried. Over the next two years i miscarried again and again and again. (four in total) and the whole process totally killed off my libido. Over that two year period, i was either pregnant, or recovering from a miscarriage, or trying to conceive, and TTC sex is not exactly sex for pleasure, let's face it. so unless we were trying to get pregnant, we barely had sex at all.
happily after my fourth miscarriage I got pregnant with one that stuck. She's now 10 weeks old. But throughout the pregnancy i didn't dare contemplate sex - just in case it did any damage (i know there's no evidence; but i wasn't going to risk anything ) and now as the mum of two young children i'm too shattered by the end of the day to think about anything other than sleep. DH seems fairly cool about it - he's hanging on to the hope that things will change, and i'm sure they will. but it isn't going to happen overnight. I've had some pretty frank conversations with other mum friends about this and none of them are claiming to have any sex life to speak of, so i reckon we're far less alone in this than we may feel.

Oh ladies thank you. It's so helpful not to feel so much of a freak.

Addicted - everything I've read on the threads says don't give up - people do seem to get there in the end. I know exactly what you mean re watching the gap widen - the first baby I lost after my DS would have been a 19 month gap - a bit quick but doable - the second one would have been 24 months - perfect - and who knows what will happen in the end. But please don't be too tough on yourself - you're not a failure in any way.

Sotough congratulations on your DD after all that heartache - I think for the next few months you are totally entitled to have no libido! But I hope it all comes back once she is a little bit bigger and your energy starts to come back.

I don't know what you have found but I do find my DS helps me to keep smiling and positive - a big hug from someone little is an amazing thing and I love how much my DH adores him :) That's something very good in all of this.

Right, off to hide on the far side of the bed ... (am I allowed to joke about this?!)