Had erpc on monday and really struggling to cope

[janeybooks]

Hi all. I've had 2 mmc in the last 6 months, both at around 9 weeks. The first happened 'naturally' at 10 weeks and this last one I couldn't face waiting for as baby had grown further than first, so went in for erpc at 10 weeks. Strangely the procedure itself was as ok as could be expected, and I felt very calm afterwards. But now I am all over the place emotionally - feel devasted, feel like life standing still and can't help thinking how close I would be getting to due date of first mmc. Can't stop crying, and as I'm prone to depression am terrified of spiralling into a bout. Know logically I should be trying to go back to work etc and normality but just want to hide. Sorry for long post..

First of all, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am so sorry that you are going through this - it is just a terrible and heartbreaking thing. If writing your feelings down on here is helping you, then write away :)

I want you to know that crying is not a bad thing - and don't feel bad for not wanting to go back to work. Having a mc is just as painful as any other death in the family. If a person died you would grieve, and in the same way, you need time to grieve and mourn the loss of you little one. I know that no one can understand this grief, as to them, the baby didn't "exist", but as a mother, the pain is so much more deeper and intense.

Don't expect yourself to pick up and get on with life just like that. The more you try to tell yourself that, the harder it will become. Take time - do the things you want to do, not the things people expect of you. And know that you are not doing anything wrong or being over-dramatic - be kind to yourself.

I have had 4 mc's in the past 16 months - and they say that things get easier to deal with, but a mc is never easy to get through, because to me, it is a death of my child, and children should never die before their parents.

If you are prone to depression, then you may want counselling - this is something your GP can arrange for you quite easily. Some women find talking about the experience helps them deal with the pain.

Please remember, that you are not abnormal in the way you are thinking; I too feel like my life is standing still and there is nothing left to look forward to in my life. It's a very hard and long healing process, but with the right support and kindness to yourself you can get through this.

Once again, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I hope you will be ok xx

Thank you for lovely reply milkyway. And so sorry to hear your losses. I know from all the stories here on mn that I'm not unusual, and how painful every woman finds mc. It's just hard isn't it to think beyond the sadness. I should feel so lucky as I have a beautiful dd aged nearly 5. I just know how thrilled she would be to have a baby sibling and of course this just makes me feel sad too. The support on these threads is a great comfort.

Janey I mc nearly 4 weeks ago and you havd described my feelings at the time exactly, even down to how you feel about your dd. I felt as if I was just going thru the motions, like I wasn't really 'here' and like we'd never get thru it, but we are getting there, and it does get easier. Milestones are hard, dont be hard on yourself, allow yourself time to grieve, and if that means taking time off work then do.

Ive found a few things really helpful. This site has been the best, just knowing that there's people to chat to who know how I'm feeling and answer my questions has been so so helpful. We also planted a shrub that will flower (hopefully) around my due date, and I wrote a letter to my baby and burnt it, and buried the ashes in the soil.

It will get slowly easier but until then allow yourself the timd to grieve x

Yes it is hard to think beyond the sadness. I have a 3 year old DD too, and I completely understand that sadness that she should have a sibling to play with. I sometimes feel like I am letting her down :( I always wanted a small age gap between my children, but looks like there won't be now. I am glad you are finding support on these threads - it's really helped me to know that there are other women out there going through the same things as me.

Hi Janey, I know exactly what you are going through. I had an ERPC in 2008 after a MMC and was initially fine but then really struggled with my grief for a long time afterwards. I think sometimes at this sort of time all you do want to do is hide - and sometimes that is a useful way to get our heads around things.

I have been diagnosed with another MMC today and this time I have gone for medical management. This is in the hope that actually going through the miscarriage process might help me to cope better with the grieving.

It is so hard - I agree. Big hugs to you. xxx

So sorry to hear your news Brasso. Hope things a little easier if that at all possible this time. I have to say my work has been incredibly supportive about time off etc which I feel very lucky about. And as I said before, support and advice on here wonderful.