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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Miscarriage - support or advice appreciated

9 replies

mumofgeorge · 07/03/2011 13:10

Hi to whoever is kind enough to read this post.

This is my first mumsnet post. I'm just trying to find someone who understands.

I miscarried a month ago. It was early on - 7 weeks - and I was lucky because it wasn't painful and I didn't 'see' anything. In fact I didn't believe I'd actually miscarried until a week later when I went for a scan and they confirmed it. The next day my toddler ended up in hospital for the weekend with breathing problems related to a virus. I didn't really get chance to think about the miscarriage for some time because I was so worried about my toddler.

I've been trying to be very practical about it - all the things you are told when you miscarry... We are lucky enough to have a baby already; it was an early miscarriage; we can 'try again' etc etc.

However, I'm finding it so difficult to be positive. I keep crying and crying as I get waves of grief that envelop me. I then get angry and throw things around or punch my duvet. I can't concentrate on my work. I just feel so desperately isolated. Whenever I speak to people they tell me the same things I've written above, which make me feel like I shouldn't be upset or grieving. My husband has been wonderfully supportive, but I still feel so alone and numb.

I feel really selfish for grieving because I know people have much worse, unspeakably worse situations.

I know all these facts but I still feel so low and upset.

Please can anyone offer any advice, or at least tell me that things get better?

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 07/03/2011 13:12

It is perfectly normal to feel like this. Your reaction was slightly delayed due to the health problems with your DS (I hope he is fully recovered, btw).

Take time to recover. Can you take a couple of days off work - perhaps your doc can sign you off for a day or two?

I am sorry for your loss.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/03/2011 13:18

Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry :(

Six weeks ago I had a mc at 11 weeks and know exactly how you're feeling. Of course you absolutely should be upset and grieving (if that is how you feel, I hesitate to say "should" but you know what I mean). It is a loss like any other. Someone explained it to me as being not only the loss of a child but that you had made a space in your family and in your heart for this person and now there was nothing to fill it. Sorry if that sounds a bit twee, it really helped me to realise that there was a real reason why I feel so empty.

I am told that it does get better, I don't know when. As soon as I find out I'll let you know. It does sound like you have people in real life that you talk to though, which is good. I have found that everyone closes down and no one mentions it or lets me mention it. That is isolating too.

I'm sorry your first post on Mumsnet is here but stick around. There is lots of support to be had here and lots of idle gossip and debate to be had elsewhere on the boards.

Take care and keep posting here, it will help xx

harassedinherpants · 07/03/2011 14:44

mumofgeorge I'm so very sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you've had a lot on your plate.

I think the thing with grief is doesn't go away, it just gets postponed until you have the time to react to it. Like now. What you're saying sounds a lot like I've felt over the last 7 weeks. I had a mmc around the same time as Gwendoline, and it really has been the hardest thing that's ever happened to me.

Stick around here, the ladies are wonderful and so supportive xx

mumofgeorge · 07/03/2011 18:29

Thank you for getting back to me, ladies. I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles too. There's so much pain around, I hope things get better for you. Thanks for sharing, it helps to know I'm not alone xx

OP posts:
hairylights · 07/03/2011 22:09

So so sorry. It's very hard to come
to terms with. Your emotions are perfectly
normal. Do take time and allow yourself to grieve.

wellieboots · 08/03/2011 06:24

So so sorry for your loss Sad
I had an mc in December, and so I can tell you that it does get slowly better but it is a hard road and you will need a lot of support.

You will find that if you stick around mumsnet, there are lots of fantastic people who have been there and will help and support and provide a virtual listening ear. People were amazing when I was feeling terribly alone and empty.

More than anything, please know that how you are feelng is "normal" - you have suffered a loss and you are grieving and need to allow yourself time and space to come to terms with it. I know from experience that those who have not experienced mc can say the stupidest things, they don't mean to be cruel, they just haven't been there and don't know what it's like.

Well done for reaching out here, and if we can help with anything just let us know

Big hugs to you and take care of yourself

bluebellewood · 08/03/2011 17:34

You are doing exactly the right and normal thing. Continue to acknowledge your grief and disappointment it is certainly valid. I had a miscarriage some years ago, I thought I shouldn't let it effect me too much and never really grieved. Some years later it suddenly hit me. Even though I went on to have other successful pregnancies I will never forget my first. You will get through this, but it takes time.

mumofgeorge · 09/03/2011 13:06

Thanks, girls. Again, I'm so sorry to hear of more loss and grief, and thank you for coming back to me with your support.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today. I saw my doctor and he suggested writing a diary and also speaking to my HV, who will have lots of experience of these things. As many of you have said, he also said it's 'normal' to be feeling like this at this stage, and that I'm going through a grieving process. What I need to do is acknowledge the grief and the loss, and work out how to move on over time, focussing on the positives of life.
Sounds like good advice, I'm going to try to work with it. I'll let you know if it helps. Thank you all for your support, xx

OP posts:
morethemerrier · 09/03/2011 14:42

Hi mumofgeorge, I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you and everyone else who has experienced mc, it is with sadness that I write as I am going through an early miscarriage at the moment.

I feel like a fraud, this would have been my 4th baby, I have had 3 healthy children who are aged 11,3 and 9 months and I am truly thankful for them and know that there are others who are not as lucky as me.

And yet the despair I feel is quite overwhelming.

I only found out I was pregnant last friday, but like Gwendoline says you make space in your heart and even though it was at 5 weeks, I have had all the sypmptoms I had with my others,nausea,sore boobs,gone off coffee etc, but instead of getting stronger they started to lesson in the last two days.

My worst fear happened this morning,I started bleeding Ive been to the Doctors who was very supportive,and have had a blood test to check hormone levels which will be re-done on Friday to confirm the mc.

All I can offer you is to say you are not alone,I have been a regular on mumsnet for sometime,in happier circumstances and these ladies are second to none with their experience,advice and comforting words. I want you to know that each and every mumsnetter,no matter what time of day there will always be someone here who understands.

I hope you dont mind me sharing my experience,I dont want to detract from your loss,I just wanted you to feel less isolated.

For now I will put one foot in front of the other, keep busy and be hopeful about the future. x

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