One friend just miscarried, another is pregnant - what do we say?

[waterbaby]

Hi all,
I'm new to mn but have hopefully found you all just in time. I'm one of a group of three mums who all had children within a week of each other (nearly two years ago). The other two couples have been ttc, one announced her pg at the w/e (just 6 weeks). The other found out yesterday at her scan that the foetus hadn't developed past the 7 week stage. I read on another thread that it may not be the case that the foetus was only 7 weeks old, instead had developed more slowly. Any advice about how to support my friend - I'm collecting her from the hospital at teatime, as her partner is away now. She wanted to go in alone today. I'm also very aware that it is likely to be difficult for us all to enjoy the other pregnancy... any suggestions, especially about support in te first few days? Thanks in advance.

I was in a similar situation almost two years ago - my son was 3 weeks old and one of my best friends had a miscarriage (8 weeks). It was hard - I felt as though I was rubbing her face in it, especially when we would see each other and I had my beautiful new baby, and she had just lost hers. I knew though, that it would be far worse to avoid her, and though we had a few emotional moments we were able to share them and as time went on things got better.

My own experience of m/c is that the first few days just pass in a blurry sort of daze, and from then on it's a gradual healing process, especially hard that first year when everything is a milestone - the due date in particular. Just be there for your friend, if she needs to talk, or a shoulder to cry on. It will be hard for her to see your other friend - as she will always be thinking "I would have been at that stage now.." but I'm sure, given time, she will be able to be happy for your friend too.

I and my friend were lucky - we both went on to have successfuln (horribly nerve-wracking) pregnancies after our miscarriages..I hope your friend has a happier outcome soon.

Thanks Marthamoo for the insights, still not sure how we can get through the next few days, but will 'be' there, in person/on the phone, however she wants to play it.

I can't really think of any words to help ease her pain, but as you said, the next couple of days will probably pass in a daze.

i had a m/c after DS1 and before DS2. I remember taking a week off work and not doing anything - just wanting to be close to DS1, a little bit of crying and lots of thinkimg.

I think like your friend I already had one child, had no problem conceiving ( three months each time ) and now have DS2 sitting on my lap. Much easier than if you have beem tryimg for ages and then m/c - hopefully your friend is the same.

I am sure that your friend will not be-grudge your other friend her pregnancy once she is over the initial shock.

Thanks Kaz33, its a good point about wanting to be close to the first child - we all help each other out (take all three to park if going with our own etc, so the other two get five mins to themselves) and I had wondered if she would want more or less time by herself. Only time will tell.
I don't think theres any grudge there at all at the moment, I'm just aware it may be difficult for both of them at diffrent times. We're all shocked and dazed at the moment, feeling lucky for the children we have, and terrible for my friend and her partner.

Miscarriage is such a cruel thing and it is only when it touches your life that you realise what a common occurrence it is. Just give your friend some space to grieve but do not exclude her from baby talk as that may upset the situation. I felt very isolated but mine were before my two boys so I was fearful of never having children. I imagine it must ease the pain to already have a child.

Good luck top you all - it sounds like you are very supportive frineds already so you will probably naturally do the right thing

Thanks all; I'm off to the hospital now , and feel a bit more able to face everything. We'll find a way to deal with all of the happy and sad events ahead of us, and I guess we'll start by taking each moment as it comes.

Your friend is going to have good days and then bad days and there will be all sorts of triggers. I see a group of mums nearly every week, less now, but out of 7 of us, 5 are pregnant, 1 doesn't want any more children and I'm the one who isn't pregnant - I had a m/c in June at 14 weeks. I am so incredibly happy for my friends ( we all have 2 year olds) They are all due around the time that I would have been. It's still incredibly hard knowing that they are going to have their babies in a few months time and I won't. We haven't all gotten together for a while now, the first time it was so so hard, they were all showing.....and they were really sensitive towards me, but of course the talk is about coping with two and how are you feeling and what they are doing to prepare. I know so many women who are pregnant and I so so so want to be one too, but have to wait my turn. What can you do for your friend? Send her a card and say you're thinking of her...do something without the children....ask her if she wants to talk about it.......let her cry on your shoulder....let her know it isn't fair.....give her space....I hope she is ok and gets through it, it's all such a personal thing and everyone copes with it in their own way.

It's such a hard thing to deal with already, but knowing your friends are expecting (when you were too) and then to lose it, well , that's the hardest thing. I'm finding it incredibly hard. But these women are my friends, and I can't not see them or ask them how they are like we did first time around. It's almost like opening a fresh wound again and again. I hope you and your friends can get through this, best of luck to you all,

hana
xx