Just need to vent I think. Not necessarily expecting any replies.
I've already got 2 DC, I know I'm so lucky. But we planned a 3rd and got pregnant very quickly last spring. However, it was an ectopic pregnancy and I had my left tube removed. All very scary and traumatic. I'd also had a mmc in the past.
Tried to leave plenty of time to recover without rushing into trying again but have been trying since about September.
Week before last got another bfp - couldn't believe my luck after squinting at bfns.
Spent a week being literally beside myself panicking about another ectopic. Went for a scan but was too early really. However a negative pregnancy test using a very dilute sample led them to diagnose a chemical pregnancy. Was gutted. They also told me I wouldn't bleed but cycle would re-start and I would ovulate again before next period. They advised waiting for that period before trying again. So 4-8 week wait probably - more gutted.
Got home and tested a couple of days later. Still bfp, but not strong. So have now had nearly a week of utter torture, trying not to let myself imagine they might have been wrong. I know they weren't, the tests would have been a lot darker by now. Still having pregnancy symptoms though, so have just struggled mentally to cope with the uncertainty.
Yesterday had talk with DH where it became obvious that neither of us was coping with the pressure of all this. Plus my gorgeous DS is waiting for assessment and will very likely be diagnosed with ASD, possibly quite severe. I know he needs me and I'm giving up work at the end of the month largely because of this.
It's crazy to try for another. I know it. We need to stop. I'm 38 in April, there won't be time in the future to try again. I'm just so, so, so sad today. I needed to write it down.