one year on...

[lucylookout]

A year ago today I had a termination at 20 weeks due to a lethal condition that my baby son had. I'm having a hard day. I told DH this morning that it was a year ago today, but he has other stuff going on, wasn't particularly sympathetic and we had an argument. I spent the day with my beautiful 3 year old DS, who I am so grateful for and love so much, but still felt very isolated and lonely. I feel like I should be better by now. Instead I feel like crying all the time. I feel like the time has passed when I can bring up how I feel with friends and family. I feel like for their sake I should just be quiet about it and not admit how much I think about it all still. Truth be told I don't even want to think about it all the time, but I don't know how to stop. What's more I so hoped that I would have another baby by now to complete my family, and maybe, also to take some of the pain away but instead I had another miscarriage during Summer, and am now undergoing fertility tests to find out if I can have another, as my 40th birthday looms.

I'm sorry for the dreary, self indulgent post. I just had to get it out somewhere.

Hi lucylookout. I am so sorry for your loss. I am in a very similar situation to you, just over a year ago I had a termination when we discovered our baby had Edwards syndrome, I was 14 weeks pregnant. Like you I haven't managed to yet have another baby, which I think makes things like anniversaries especially difficult. I truly believed by the first anniversary I would at least be pregnant, not that anything can make up or replace the babies we have lost and the way in which we lost them, but I believe it is the last step in the grieving process and until I get pregnant again I will never really get over having a termination. I still have massive issues about worrying that people judge me for having a termination as well :(

On the first anniversary my husband didn't remember either, neither did any of my family, or if they did no one said anything, the only person who remembered was a very good friend of mine, she lost a baby 2 months after me so she is especially sensitive remembering things like due dates and anniversaries. I'm not sure if it's a case of people not remembering or that it's too painful to say anything, which may be the case with our husbands, or just that people don't want to bring it up for fear of upsetting us.

I keep trying to remind myself how incredibly lucky I am to have a gorgeous little boy, but I feel very sad that my family still feels like something is missing.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it's natural to remember your lost baby and think about them, that's what makes us mummies.

I really hope that you manage to get pregnant and have a straight forward pregnancy soon.

Thanks for your kind words helenlouisey. I'm sorry to hear of your loss too. Please don't feel people will judge you for having a termination. I truly feel we didn't have a choice (I mean, of course we did in theory, but the right choice to make in my mind was very straight cut, both our babies had lethal conditions). You've gone through enough without having to worry about what other people might be thinking, and I'm sure all the people who matter are 100% behind you.

What I am struggling with too is the fact that at 20 weeks, everyone knew I was pregnant. Not just friends and family, I mean everyone; the newsagent, the chemist, the teachers at DS's nursery etc etc. Whenever I see someone, I think it's the first thing they think of - 'oh there's that woman who lost her baby' and I feel defined by it. I think it's why it's so hard to shake off the feelings and thoughts. It was crap having a mc so soon after, but one consolation was that it was early (8 weeks) so almost no one else knew.

I hope you get pregnant soon too and are able to complete your family x