Miscarriage - Desolate - any advice welcomed

[Blackkat]

We found out that our baby had died at our 12 week scan in mid Jan, we've been TTC since July 2007 so had been over the moon to find out I was finally pregnant, after taking Clomid. We couldn't believe this was happening to us.

I opted for conservative mgt, not wanting to spend another moment in hospital after all the months of scans and tests. I bled for about ten days and then it seemed to calm down. I woke up last Thursday and couldn't leave the bathroom because of the blood loss, ambulance called and into A&E where I was on a drip for 3 hours to raise my BP after I fainted. The gynae doctor was finally able to see me later that day and after offering me a tranquiliser, then examined me, just like a smear test, horrid. Apparently the products of conception were stuck in the cervix, hence the haemorraging, and she removed them using sponge forceps. Didn't hurt too much, just so much blood (sorry TMI). I was able to see what had come away, and later was able to talk to the lovely Sister on the ward who explained about the cremation service the hospital offer. Just can't seem to get over this feeling of total emptiness.

My best friend gave birth to her first the same day I was in hospital and today we found out another close friend is due two weeks after my due date. Niece and nephew are being christened next Friday and I can't bring myself to do. Feels so unfair, and I feel awful for being jealous.

I just can't seem to find a way to move on, and don't know who to talk to as all friends already have children and I'm last in the line. DH is brilliant and I know he's right saying things will get better. I just can't seem to find a way through at the moment. Any advice?

Time. That's all I can offer you. It does get easier and the chances are this will not be your last chance to have a baby. I miscarried twice, both times I got pregnant very soon afterwards and had healthy children.

I'm very sorry you are going through this - it happens to so many of us and it's always so painful. It's all the hope dashed that got me. :(

But yes there will be a day when things will start to seem a bit brighter. But that's a way off.

Grieve, take your time. Talk about it if you can. I found planting a tree helped me. The sheer physical effort of digging a hole, sobbing the hole time, seemed to help - I don't know why but it was about life beginning and going on.

And hug your husband a lot, he's lost a baby too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. When I had a miscarriage I felt so desolate a couple of weeks after it happened. A friend pointed out to me that I was being hard on myself by expecting to feel okay after just a matter of weeks. I promise you will feel better but do remind yourself that it's very early days to be coming to terms with what has happened and give yourself time.

As for other people having babies, do not feel bad for avoiding them if it's too much. You've had a big trauma and need to a)put yourself first b)look after yourself. I couldn't cope with seeing pregnant friends for a month or so.

Thinking of you.

So sorry, it's a terrible and sad thing. The only advice I would have is not to rush yourself into moving on, allow yourself some time to grieve. You have suffered a very real loss and there is nothing wrong with feeling anger, pain, jealousy, sadness and all the other emotions you are feeling.

If you feel you need some help in coming to terms with it, can you ask your GP if there is some counselling you can seek? You could also try looking on the miscarriage association website.

You need to be kind to yourself, and give yourself the space to come to terms with what has happened, and eventually you will. It will be difficult that there is so much baby-related happening around you at this time, and if your friends and family know what has happened for you then they won't judge you for finding that difficult.

Take care of yourself x

Thank you all.It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

Will talk to GP about counselling, she has been so supportive through all of this.

Don't know how to tell friends what's been happening, particularly those who are expecting or new mums as don't want to detract from their happy time. Equally don't want them to think that I'm not happy for them or ignoring them.

It's hard to tell people, but if you want to then you could just let them know what has happened, that you are finding things difficult, that you want them to know that you are happy for them, but didn't want them to think that you were ignoring them if you need to keep your distance for a little while. They of course will be sad for you, and probably will want to be supportive, but it won't detract from the happiness they have at their own events.

I went through something similar, my sister who i am very close to, gave birth a couple of weeks after I miscarried, and i felt very mixed up about this. I adored my nephew, but felt so sad and jealous that it wasn't happening for me. But when a little time had passed, it didn't affect at all how much I loved spending time with him as a baby, or cause any awkwardness with my sister.

If you do tell people, they may not know what to say, or I found that people said some well-meaning but unhelpful things. But in the long run I was glad I did because they at least knew why I was a bit fragile for a while.

Firstly I am very sorry for what you have been through. No one deserves to lose a baby and its the hardest thing a mother and father go through.

Secondly, I agree with your husband - things will get better. You just need to be more positive - you can not ever forget this loss - that will be impossible, so it is very important to share your feelings with your husband or a close friend about the miscarriage to help the healing process.

You shouldnt have to "get over" that feeling of emptiness - you have lost a baby, and like any loss, you need time to grieve and mourn. Dont feel awful for being jealous - it is absolutely natural during this time. Let yourself grieve freely and cry when you want to cry, and feel what you want to feel, just as you would do if a close relative or friend died.

I hope you take things slowly and one day at a time..Youre not a superwoman - youre a grieving mother - please look after yourself and think about yourself for at least a few weeks and I am sure your DH will be taking good care of you too.

Take care xx

Thanks fluteyboots and milkyway - do appreciate your time, thought and care in replying.

I realise I do need to find a way to let people know what's going on.

I will do my best to try and remember I'm not a superwoman, and that it's ok to be upset.

thank you
x

Do you have a friend who could do a phone round of all your other friends so you don't have to.

called a good friend this eve who will do the ring round, thanks whomoved, I should've thought of that myself.

Will wait to tell my bf myself, feels a bit chicken to ask someone else to let her know, have sent gift etc and keep texting to buy some time

thanks all

You sound a bit more up today. :)

That's great. Grief does tend to hit in waves so keep moving slowly forward.

Just one word of advice - when you get pregnant again and are totally stressed out, try to hold onto this fact you are no more likely to miscarry a second time than anyone else and particularly with first trimester miscarriages it's not about you, but about problems with the baby which DO NOT GENERALLY recur with subsequent pregnancies.

I had a miscarriage after 3 years of ttc and 4 mths of clomid. Therefore, I know how you are feeling.

You have had a really horrible prolonged experience. Give yourself some time and perhaps speak to your consultant. Mine offered me counselling as he had a counsellor that came to his clinic once a week.

It is still early days for you and your feelings are understandable.

Hi, Thanks uggmum and who moved,

Am having a better evening after a rotten day, lots of tears but DH was at home so had someone to talk to. Most tears when some beautiful flowers arrived from the guys on DH's watch - I couldn't believe they'd been so thoughtful. Really took me back. Cheered me up no end. People can be so thoughtful. It made me feel so special..welling up again..what a muppet!

Feel better that people know now, and am going to ask consultant about counselling when I see him too.

Think also feel better bcs bleeding seems finally to have stopped.

Thanks ladies xx

And uggmum sorry for being so selfish, so sorry to hear you've been through this too, TTC is bad enough without m/c. Thinking of you

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. It's hard when people are kind because it does hit you how much you've lost but it's good to know you have nice people round you. :)

Hello ladies, thanks again for all your help and kind words last week. Didn't think it was fair not to update you on the story.

Had a final scan at EPU today and given the all clear for an empty womb but [sad}.

Blood count still low so on iron tabs, but generally feeling better.

Cremation service on the 25th will be tough; but I think we can start to look forward a little bit now. But never forget.

Thank you all again very much

Hope all well with you all

x

Blackkat, how sad and horrible for you and DH. We lost our first baby at 14 weeks a year ago and though you don't ever get over it, you do learn to live your life and losing our much loved child is now a part of us and our history. We had CVS prior to baby dying to knew that he was a little boy and were therefore able to name him. We called him Joseph as he died on 23 December. The fact that we were able to name him helped make him a real person. I really hope you are able to do the same thing. The cremation was tough but it really helped us too. The first anniversary was difficult, so we decided to spend the day together without family and friends and lit a candle for Joseph and donated some money to Save the Children, which felt a positive thing to do. We plan to do the same every year. My heart goes out to you, but can promise you that time is a great healer and you will learn to live your lives again. My friends said they knew I had turned a corner when twinkle returned to my eyes. My thoughts are with you both. Take care and good luck.

Blackat, I also sent an e-mail to all my friends letting them know what had happened. That was much easier than telling them in person or over the phone. It will give you the space you both need, without upsetting family and friends. They really will understand and be so sorry for you both. Their support will help when you are ready to open up to them xxx