My baby's gone.

[Tokyotwist]

I went for my 12 week scan on Monday and was told my baby's heart stopped at 8 weeks. Just had an evac today. I hate that word but can't think of a better one.

I had no warning, still being sick this morning. My body still felt pregnant and held on to my baby for weeks, which has made it all very hard to accept. I have to accept it now, the painkillers and anesthetic are wearing off, so I've a constant reminder that my baby is not nestled in my womb any more.

I'm feeling very raw and very guilty. Everyone keeps telling me it's just nature but I was very sick recently and can't help thinking of all the things I did and didn't do. I didn't eat or drink much for about 4 days. I lifted my 2 year old. I did some gardening. It's silly I know but these are the things going through my head.

That and how my baby will never have those firsts that my dd had. And will never get to meet us. We would have loved him/her so much.

And worst is, I have nothing to remember him/her by, no scan picture, just my pregnancy notes and some leaflets.

God but this is hard. I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone. I just felt I needed to write some of this down.

Hils74 -So so sad . My first pregnancy was a complete surprise and I was sooo sick I gave up work and was excused sitting final exams because I was vomiting so much . Suddenly I had no job , no studying and no baby whose life had been dictating all my plans for the forseeable future. For the first time in my life I didn t have a clue . Added to the sadness it just seems too much . It took me a while to regain my equilibrium and sometimes I still cry in the car ( because thats where I m on my own )-now I know that theres nothing wrong with that either ! From pregnancy /mc number 3 , I also know that very little about a natural miscarriage feels natural . Just be sad until the sadness is worn out then something new will happen .

Hi Ladies,

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so supportive and sharing. I am doing okay, well most of the time.
Nights are hard as it's difficult to distract yourself when you're lying in bed with just your thoughts to keep you company. I feel stupid for not even knowing what a missed miscarriage was and scared stiff about next time.

My DH has bought a little crystal cat to remember our baby and my sister sent me a little rabbit and wrote a lovely card from all the cousins in the family. I am going to write our baby a letter and make up a small memory box. My dd has one with all her baby firsts in it.

I have also decided to plant a climber in the garden but not being particularly green fingered, I'll need to make sure it's a hardy one. Actually, the thought of planting the whole garden (it's just grass and fence at the moment) is giving me something to focus on.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you're all going through this.

It's so hard and so horrid.

I'm sorry I haven't got wiser words of comfort.

Good luck to all of you in finding your own paths through this.

Glad you're coping ok, I had my scan 3 weeks ago today, and it does get a little easier as time goes on. I started back at work yesterday and couldn't even have thought of that a week ago.

I've also got a memory box with all my maternity notes, and going to buy a little teddy. That helps too xx