AIBU - out for a meal and friend announces she's pregnant

[talkthisway]

Hi

This is my first post but need a few kind words (or rather people on my side!)as i feel rather cut off from my friends at mo.

Story so far TTC since Jan last year. One early miscariage. Anembryonic pregnancy for which I had a ERPC in Oct. Curently going though another and have a scan on Friday when I expect to get my choice of how to deal with this one and will be 10 weeks.

My friends all know what I am going through and last night we were all out for a Chinese to celebrate a birthday. After a lovely meal when I managed to forget about my situation and have fun one friend annouces she is 12 weeks pregnant. I felt like I had been hit by a bus thought I was going to faint. Let me be clear I love her and very happy for her that she is pregnant but why oh why tell me like that. What could I do? Sitting round a table facing everyone feeling tears welling up, dashed off to toilet for a quick cry and to try and compose my self. Managed to drive home through tears and have been in shock ever since, not about her news but about how awful and awkward it was finding out like that last night and how it affected me.

Todau her DH calls my DH to say she was in tears on way home and they had thought about the best way to tell me.

AIBU but I really cannot understand how she thought telling me like that in front of everyone in a restaurant when our dates are so close could possibly be the right way?

Now I feel guilty for upsetting her (and cross that I am feeling quilty)and that everyone thinks I should be dealing with it better. I didn't want to detract from her happy news so it was so hard putting on a brave face until i got to my car.

Thank you for letting me get it off my chest! xx

YANBU

She should have told you on your own, before the night out.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

It's a very difficult situation for everyone. She thought about how to give you the news, I agree she probably did not choose the best circumstances, but at least she gave it some thought.

If I were you I'd contact her (whe you are ready) to explain and congratulate her and hopefully you can support eachother through your pregnancies.

She was silly. She should have told you first. In a similar situation I sent an email to 2 friends telling them obese pregnant do they could cry or whatever without having to put on an act in front of me.

Move on though, she probably didn't know what to do. If it ever cones up tell her you would gave preferred to have a warning but don't loose your friendship over it.
I am sorry for your loss btw. I know how bad your pain is but it will pass.

Oh dear, people can be dense. So sorry. YANBU.

Oh my gosh, poor you. It would've been much kinder to call you in the days just before the meal to tell you. How unfair to put you in that position. Please don't feel guilty for upsetting her. Not only is it unfair of her to do this but to now whether it be directly or through her DH make you feel uncomfortable about her being upset.

If, as her DH had said on the phone, they had given it proper thought anyone with any sense should know that this was pretty much the worst way to break it to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your friend's insensitivity.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Your friend made a very bad decision. It would have been better to text you so you could deal with your feeling privately before you congratulated her publicly. I really feel for you.
Please don't let this damage your friendship though. Everyone has made poor choices. Sometimes we don't even know we have done it.
Give yourself some time and then text her to congratulate her again. Acknowledge that you are finding it hard to deal with, especially with such close dates, but tell her that doesn't mean you aren't really happy for her. If she is a good friend she will understand.
I hope you go on to have a happy healthy pregnancy soon.

Hi talkthisway, welcome to Mumsnet, sorry it has to be under these circumstances :(

I totally agree with Havingkittens above. I really don't see how, having apparently given it a lot of though, anyone could come to the decision that telling you at a gathering in front of everyone else, was in any way a good idea. But, it doesn't sounds like she did it out of spite, just stupidity.

I don't know what I'd do if it was me tbh. My SIL is due to give birth any day now and, at first I brushed it off and said I'd be fine, she was 6 months ahead of me. But the nearer it gets the more I know I'll be cut up about it. There's not a lot you can do except grit your teeth and paint on a smile. Don't feel guilty though, not at all. You have nothing to feel guilty for x

You poor thing! So sorry you had to go through this. It would have been far better for your friend to tell you on your own, but she had probably thought it through and just didn't know how to deal with your feelings .

My mil didn't know what to say at the weekend, my erpc was 2 weeks yesterday, so she asked me if I'm watching One Born Every Minute....... . Needless to say she's not my favourite person.

You mustn't ever feel guilty for feeling like this! Until someone has lost a baby themselves then they have no idea what it's like x

From a person that has never had any mcs or fertility issues I think it's really hard to imagine how you feel. She probably thought it would be making too much of a big deal about it by telling you on your own, and possibly however she told you you would feel the same.

I hope you can forgive your friend and that you have a healthy pregnancy.

talkthisway YANBU - your friend ended up being thoughtless, despite thinking about it first.

FWIW your reaction sounds totally normal to me. About 6 weeks after my mc a friend organised a BBQ. Turns out it was to announce their pregnancy. I had a feeling that's what was going to happen, and I didn't go. Thank god, because when I found out it reduced me to wailing/weeping just like the day the mc happened. I felt guilty about my feelings to begin with, but I came to see it as part of my grief.

What I'm saying is, don't put yourself under pressure to feel one way or another about her pregnancy - just go with your feelings. It's your grief, not hers.

You're not alone, and it will get easier.

Thank you eveyone, so glad I am not going mad. I do worry that I am losing perspective sometimes.

Not sure when I will see my friend again, I really feel she should appologise so I can put it behind me but we will have to see what happens... I don't really want to loose a friendship over this. Another friend who was at the meal said it was awkward for everyone as they all thought of me as soon as the annoucement was made.

Last couple of days have been really hard but had my appointment today and am going in on Mon to start the medical management option. At least the end is in sight and I can start to focus on TTC again which is how I get through x

I am really sorry for your lose & your friends way of telling you. I really believe that unless you have been through this, you really don't understand, I don't think I would have had it not happened to me. How ever had I had imagined it was doesn't come close to how I am feeling!

I had a MC 12 days ago & me & my DH are meant to be going to a friends house party tonight, it has been planned for a while & we had decided to announce our happy news to everyone tonight! My heart is breaking at the thought of it, one of my friends is due 4 weeks after I would have been, instead of the conversations I imagined we would be having tonight discussing our pregnancies & dreams, I will probably have to listen to how she can't drink or how tried she is! I just wish I was too... x

I'm so sorry for your losses, talkthisway.

Your friend undoubtedly made a disastrously bad call, but it sounds like it wasn't made in malice or without thought. Perhaps she and her dh thought that telling you in the company of good friends for some reason might be a good thing? What their logic might be, I don't know. I certainly would advise anyone against doing that.

I think you have no reason to feel bad for upsetting her. And I think you should speak to her sooner rather than later. tbh I think she should apologise for upsetting you, and you should say you're sorry that your reaction was upsetting for her (more to smooth things over, do not apologise for your reaction itself)

If you feel able, maybe ask her why she thought that would be the best way to tell you, if you can ask that without her interpreting it as passive aggressive or accusatory. Just because her answer might be enlightening and it could put you in a better position to explain why it's not good to break good news in such a manner.

For your friendship, it's important that you do give her your heartiest congrats (she might be thinking all sorts) and if she is unlikely to make the first move (though I think she is the one in the wrong and she should) then unfortunately you will have to.

Again, I'm really sorry for your losses, especially for the hard time you're going through this week, and I think your reaction was understandable and blameless.

If you phone her and tell her honestly how you feel - word for word from your OP is perfect - then only someone horrible would be upset with you. She may be feeling very sensitive too, so lay heavy with the congrats if you can, though I know that will be very hard for you.

I don't think it's your responsibility to do any of this at all, I fear I'm sound ing like I think you're in the wrong! But ime situations like this can get a bit out of control, with each party awkwardly wondering what the other is thinking. So I think you need to get in there quick and talk about it.

MrsSteph - I totally know how you are feeling. My friend and I would have shared our pregnancies ups and downs and excitement as we did first time round - my ds is 3 weeks younger than her dd so it seems particularly cruel. It makes it so much harder to move on when you are reminded every time you see your friend. My thoughts go out to you x

Sorry for delayed post but I have been in hospital this week for a medically induced miscarriage (misoprostal)which really wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. So now I am no longer 'pregnant' and can focus on getting my body healthy and start TTC again.

Sorry you are going through this.

Having been on both sides of this (the friend who had to tell a friend I was pregnant when she was struggling and the person who was insensitively told of pregnancies after the loss of my son) I can see both sides.

Please try not to be angry with your friend - I can only assume she thought that telling you amongst friends who could support you was the best thing to do. She was probbaly also terrified about how you would react and fearful of upsetting you.

Best wishes with TTC

YANBU.

I also think she was not intentionally being unreasonable either.

She was probably really uncertain how to handle telling you and did what we all do - worry so much that we cock it up and chose the wrong course of action.

When a friend of mine miscarried, our group of friends were walking around her like we were on egg-shells. No-one dared mention their children or anything even slightly children related. One of us who was pg couldn't even look her in the eye.

She suddenly burst into tears and told us all that the fact that we were not acting normally made it worse for her. She begged the pg friend to tell her when the baby moved etc because it was part of her healing.

I suppose what I'm saying is that we are all different and have differing strategies.

Your friend perhaps thought that straight-talking and "situation normal" was the way to go.

Clearly she was wrong and I think you need to talk it out. Cry together and tell her you are happy for her but are hurting so much for your own loss.

sweetheart
you aren't being unreasonable or reasonable it's just a shit thing that you are going through
there was no right way for her to tell you

hope you are feeling a little stronger soon

Not sure about this one.

Did your friend KNOW about you ttc and the losses? If she didn't know, then she behaved perfectly fine. If she did know, she was a bit guache but I'm sure she didn't mean any harm.

gauche

Thanks for your nice words to me! Hope you are doing ok!! Life can be so sad (& good) at times this forum really helps me & I hope everyone dealing with this finds some comfort here if no where else! Love & Hugs to everyone!! I believe our babies are in a better place xx