had been coping and just discovered friends are expecting when I should have been

[PureBloodMuggle]

and now like I'm in a pit of sadness, I'm even finding it hard to summon up happiness for them. Which is selfish of me I know as it's their very first.

No reason for posting other than I need to say it somewhere and I'm not sure DH would fully understand, it's taken a very long time for my miscarriage to complete and is only just showing signs of coming to an end (started New Years Eve)

I just feel so lonely and that no one around me would understand

I am so sorry for your loss, and what horrible timing too.

I am very worried for you that you say you "had been coping" because you shouldnt be expected to "cope" "get over it" or "move on" so soon after mc. You have lost something very special and it would only be natural not to cope, but to grieve. Its OK to have a period of sadness and morning and acknowledge your real feelings, even if they are scary ones like anger, guilt and jelousy. I know we all want to get back to normal as quickly as possible and the people around us tend to try and force that on us too, but its really important you take time to grieve now, because storing away your feelings for later can cause even more problems down the road.

Its not wrong to be "selfish" at this time, its much more important that you put yourself first and give yourself the time you need to heal. You dont have to summon up happiness for anyone (they have a baby coming - they have enough happiness already!)

MC is a very lonely experience because no one likes to talk about it. There is lots of help here on MN though, or if you feel it will help get in touch with the miscarriage association to talk to a counsellor. Sometimes even just downloading their leaflets and handing them out to friends and family can help open the door for the kinds of conversations you need.

when I mc'd (also took a long time to recover physically) I found this website really helpful too www.pregnancyloss.info

take good care of yourself xxxx

Hi,
I am in a bit of a mess too. We had a missed miscarraige and the procedure was carried out on Thursday. We were told our baby stopped growing at 11+3 and i was 16 weeks. I have been able to take two week off work, returning next week. There is a work collegue there who's due date is pretty much the same as mine was- and the thought of watching her pregnancy progress when mine has been lost fills me with dread.
I know it is not exactly the same as your situation, as I am not close to this lady but I will see her every day and I feel it is going to haunt me and set my recovery back. I am not a nasty person - I just feel, like you,very selfish to even be having these thoughts.
I just want you to know you are not alone in how you are feeling despite how out of character it surely must be.

Mummyabroad

• your very kind words have hit a chord with me. you are one of the few people who don't seem to think being told 'don't worry, you can have another' is a statement of comfort and for you to say it is ok to feel guilt and anger makes me feel less of a monster.

Hi everyone..

I know how you all feel, i had a mmc (baby was 7 weeks and found out at 12 weeks)Found out on New Years Eve.D&C on the 4th of Jan.

However my cousin is expecting 2 days before my old expected date... Its hard as its in the family. Its going to be a very hard one when she gives birth...

However i feel as though it wont be as bad if i am pregnant at the time. You have your own to look forward too.

Mummyabroad, you are spot on. Not allot of people understand when you feel selfish and dont really want to discuss another persons pregnancy, especially when it is in the family.

When you are all ready physically and mentally, i wish you all the very best with your pregnancies.

I personally want to try straight away so im waiting to ovulate and then going to try again.

I kind of understand how you feel as one of my best friends and I got pregnant at the same time. She's due 2 days before I would have been.

I had my erpc two weeks ago yesterday so I know it's still early days. She had her 12 wk scan last week and mine should have been on Monday. I made her show me the pictures, and was fine at the time, but did dissolve into tears later.

Poor dh never knows what he's coming home to these days bless him!

Hi. I feel the same also. I mc at the end of Dec after finding out a week early at our 12 week that our baby was just 9+3. The day i returned to work a colleague (who i work with on projects but thankfully sits on another floor) told me she was pg and just days behind my dd.

But worse of all is that we heard from some friends on monday, who live 10 yards away across the street, that she is 13 weeks - just 2 weeks behind by dates. This news came 6 weeks atter our scan but it floored me completley. i still can't bring myself to feel happy for her and i dread leaving the house in case i bump into her. I feel like she will be an everyday reminder of what should be mine.

I have also felt so guilty about these feelings but mummya is right, you have to let youreslf grieve and put yourself first. It is normal to feel this way. I also know that saying that is easier than accepting it, but its important that we try.

I know that it will get easier, i just wish i could fast forward a bit to get there.

Hello, sorry for all your losses.

I know the feeling too, and have been struggling with feeling so selfish and jealous. I had an emergency forceps ERPC, last week at 14 weeks (baby died at 12)after conservative management ended in haemorraging in the bathroom. The same day my best friend gave birth to her 1st, found out yesterday that another friend is due 2 weeks after my dd would've been. That news has floored me and seems to have set me back to where I was last week. We've been TTC since 2007 and at the moment I can't muster up any cheerfulness for anyone who's expecting, because it's just not their turn, particularly if it's the second - horrid feelings I know.

sharing these feelings here does help, helps to know that you're not alone and not feeling anything unusual or wrong.

I agree with Collie2 and Mummya - take your time and allow yourself to feel what you need to and accept that it's fine to feel like that. It really is.

x

MummyAbroad you should be a therapist (maybe you are!)

I told DH how I felt last night and he began what I think might have been an 'arrgh but it's their first and he stopped after the first two words and then said "it's going to be hard for you - I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you'. But then again what if he hadn't and I just bumped into her one day.

But he gets it so that helped a lot

Blackkat - that's a very tough thing you had to go through and so recently

I'm going to print this thread out of DH when he comes home. This morning I was told I was "wallowing in it". I don't know how to respond to that really. I found out two weeks ago tomorrow. A fortnight isn't long is it? Am I wallowing?

GwendolineMaryLacey i have kept my feeling away from DH with regards to my cousin expecting 2 days before my due date as didnt think he would understand. (Honestly - I know its not her fault that I had a MC but i dont think i can be 100% happy for her.) Well i told him last night after reading this thread and as expected, he told me to stop being silly and get over it.
Men, well my DH deals with emotions in one swoop. He cried, he got upset and the next day it was over.
I sometimes wish he was more in touch with his emotional side...

Hello,

I am not a therapist, I just had my mc a long time ago (March 2010) and learned the hard way. Everyone around me (and me) thought I would be over it in two weeks but it just doesnt work like that. I have been reading sad stories like all of yours since June when I joined MN and have seen over and over again how my experience is so common. In my case I soldiered through it for as long as I could smiling at my SIL who was 2 months behind me in pregnancy, but just dying inside. Then one day I had a big breakdown, shouted at a neighbour, collapsed in tears and when I told my mum about it she said "oh thank goodness, you are finally starting to deal with it!" My anger was totally misplaced (poor neighbour) but it finally came out, and it was only after that that I started to feel better.
Reading this helped me lots too.

Gwen You are not wallowing. 2 weeks is nothing, I was still in shock and denial in the first 2 weeks. You probably still have pregnancy hormones in your system too. (have you done a HPT to check?) Dont go at anyone else's pace but your own, its much better to deal with these feelings properly now, no matter how uncomfortable it makes other people feel, because otherwise your recovery will take even longer.

dont print this thread, print this one instead. My DH also gave me the same speech at one point, he is still alive but not quite forgiven.

much love to everyone on this thread, be kind to yourselves

xxx

Christ GwendolineMaryLacey that's terrible, really terrible, two weeks it noting at all. I was still sobbing everytime anyone new spoke to me at that stage.

My miscarrage has been slow to complete and in stages and it finally seems to be over, but I've been told my a friend to expect time when something make you so sad again.

Oh I'm sobbing alright. I usually have a good cry in the car to and from work, just over an hour each way. That sounds very calculated but at home DD is around and I don't want to upset her and at work no one really knows. I wish they did, I wish I didn't have to keep pretending everything is ok, but I do. So I save it up for the car.

It doesn't feel like wallowing to me. It's so near the surface I have to really fight not to let it out in front of everyone.

Thank you everyone for listening to me even though I'm hijacking someone else's thread

Mummyabroad - I want to really thank you for putting in the link to that pregnancy loss website. I have just spent the last hour reading through it - and it is the most honest site I have seen so far.
The section on how to honor our baby has clarified feelings I have had since we found out the heartbeat had stopped. I am sure now that naming my baby is right for me, and the idea of a memorial box seems just right too.
I still, like PBMuggle feel it will be a struggle being around pregnant women, and my God they seem to be everywhere I look!
The tears are coming thick and fast... today I started crying when a lovely old man in Waterstones was kind to me (he only held a door open!) but I felt I wanted to open my heart to a complete stranger which is something I have never felt before.
Anyway - sorry for rambling.
Gwen - I have been doing the almost the same and only crying when my hubby is out, or sneaking to the bathroom to sob. Although last night he made a silly joke which I took the wrong way, and we both ended up sobbing so I think he needs to cry as much as me too but it is so painful to see each other cry we have been avoiding it. Maybe your hubby is in denial?

Gwen "It's so near the surface I have to really fight not to let it out in front of everyone. " What are you afraid of?

Mocheenee Its a brilliant site, isnt it? I think I have read nearly every page. I think this part about dealing with other pregnant ladies is very relevant too

www.pregnancyloss.info/feelings_you_have.htm#jealous

Not sure if this is helpful but I had a ceremony on what would have been my due date. Climbed to the top of a mountain and built a cairn and did an Inca ritual to say goodbye (I was in Peru at the time).

I found that really helped. Obviously that's some way off for you but it took me a very long time to recover - do it at your own pace and ignore any stupid person who tells you that you should be over it.

So sorry for your loss