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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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nobody understands and I feel so alone

7 replies

Jaguar11 · 23/01/2011 10:14

I recently had a MMC - bleeding started boxing day at 11 weeks then scan few days later showed my baby had died at 6 weeks. I had an ERPC on 5 Jan which would have been the date of my first scan. Since then had 2 further scans because of heavy bleeding and "retained products". On Thursday was told it looks as if I am mid cycle so hopefully all back to normal. It was the first time after nearly a month of bleeding/hospital trips that I felt I could start to move on.

Until last night. My mum called to tell me my younger sister is pregnant. When I'd told her I was 8/9 weeks her reaction was "I'm going to try for a baby too", which upset me at the time.

She was with me in A&E and when I had the scan that said my baby had died. It must have been around this time she conceived. I feel awful for thinking this but how could she try to get pregnant while supposedly supporting me through my mc. She's young, already has a child, is getting married in april - surely she could have put it off for a month???

I know that life goes on and lots of people around me are pregnant and I have to just get over it but I feel so upset and angry. Just as I was starting to feel ok again. I expected more from my sister. She couldn't even tell me herself as she didn't want to upset me so got my mum to tell me and to say that she wants me to know she feels realy upset.

My bf said I should be happy for her - I can't feel that at all right now and that makes me feel like a bad person and nobody understands.

Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? Please help :(

OP posts:
lemonsherbet · 23/01/2011 10:21

You poor thing. I really do not think your sister meant any harm. She probably thought the 2 of you would be pregnant together and like you know you can not predict when you will get pregnant.

Around the time you have a miscarriage people do not know what to say. Also it is difficult to hear that people are pregnant. It is not that you are not happy for them but it is tinged with sadness for what you have lost. What you are experiencing is normal. I think most people have been there who have had a miscarriage.

hairyfairylights · 23/01/2011 10:25

Hi I am so so sorry for your loss.

I know it's very hard (I've had two mc last year during which time my sil got pregnant and my sis was already pregnant via ivf) but I think you have to try and focus on the fact that other people will get on with their lives and that is not any kind if deliberate snub to what you've been going through. ouTou don't want her baby, you wanted yours ... So try and see it that way if you can. Allow yourself proper time to grieve for your baby.

Personally I see no reason why any of my family and friends should " wait " for me ... They want their baby just as much as you want yours. Would you wait to ttc again just because a friend miscarried?

Just because she is having her own it doesn't minimise what's happened to you, but the two things are seperate.

I hope you feel better soon. It's a truly horrible thing to suffer a mmc and need an erpc as we both have.

knitty · 23/01/2011 10:40

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC 2 years ago and I know it is very hard.I had a lot of people at work who were also pregnant and I just had to avoid them, still feel a bit guilty for never asking them about their pregnancy or baby.My SIL was pregnant too (almost same due date) and when she had the baby asked us to come to see them(they live abroad) and be godparents, she didn't really get why we might be upset by that and didn't want to come.Hmm
I think it is natural for you to feel upset about your sister being pregnant at this time but you can't really blame her for the timing(it could have happened before your sad news).It doesn't make you a bad person though, you need time to heal from your loss.In my experience family and friends are not great at 'understanding', they expect you to just move on, but it takes time.Would you consider counselling?I had a few sessions and it really helped me to talk to someone who just listened and didn't try to 'make it better'.

Jaguar11 · 23/01/2011 10:55

thank you ladies

It's really just the timing of it. I actually would have waited if it was the other way around but maybe that makes me stupid, I don't know. I wouldn't mind so much with a friend and I do have several pregnant friends - one who is due 2 days after mine was and that's fine because I don't see her all the time like my sister so I won't have it in my face. I was my sister's birthing partner last time!

I will be happy for her of course but I can't even think about that now. I guess I am too wrapped up in my own feelings.

Maybe I should try counselling Knitty, as I feel like I can't share these negative thoughts and feel bitter and horrible.

OP posts:
Collie2 · 23/01/2011 20:21

Jaguar I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you?re feeling. I think your feelings of resentment are natural and a lot of women who miscarry feel them. I agree with the others that I am sure your sister did not intend to upset you - could it be that she concieved before your loss? I think its also worth remembering that a lot of women who have not experienced a mc cannot understand the grief that we feel and how difficult it is for us to see others enjoying healthy pregnancies. I know I wish my own friends well, but seeing them is hard as it?s a bitter reminder, particulary those that are near my dates.

I also read your other post about your lack of support and understanding from your family. I am so sorry to hear that as I think feeling alone and that noone understand is so hard. I too mc at the end of Dec and have really struggled in the weeks that followed. I compared myself to my sil who mc about a year ago (and is due next month) who did not feel the grief like I have and who (or so it seemed) got on with life easily and quickly. I felt like I should be the same and move on. Thankfully I had some good advice on here, and an understanding friend and I realised that my saddness, anger, jealousy, emptyness, frustation and so on was normal. Its been almost 4 weeks since I mc (and 6 weeks since we were told at our scan the baby had died) and it is getting easier. I still have really rotten days and have waves of sadness most days.

You sound close to your sister so I hope when your own pain eases your resentment to her will fade. When you feel able, maybe you could tell her how you feel?

Thinking of you honey, it?s a terrible time I know. xxx

Glitterybits · 24/01/2011 16:33

Jaguar I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. FWIW I think your feelings are perfectly normal. It's still very early days for you in terms of grieving your loss and, much like you, my experience of mc dragged on and on which makes it that much harder to get closure on it and begin to move on.

I have had a similar experience, but not with someone as close as a sister. MY SIL, best friend and a lot of other friends (it felt like practically everyone I had ever met at one point - including people who either didn't want a child, or had just got lucky on the first try! Grrrr) got pregnant either during my neverending mc, or in the months following it. Some of them were due at a very similar time to me, which was very hard - but most hard when it was people I couldn't avoid. Unfortunately, my mc rendered me infertile, so I was also in the throes of fertility testing when I had to hear a lot of announcements.

I can fully understand why having to deal with a pregnancy so close to you is somewhat agonising at this point. I found it far more bearable when I could steer clear of baby bumps and newborns, but I can see how that would be hard in your situation. My SIL was less than tactful and there were various occasions where I felt like jamming sharp, pointy things into her eyes!

Perhaps the best thing to do is to talk openly with your sister about your feelings. Tell her you are happy for her on some level, but that it's hard to be genuinely enthusiastic for her right now because you're struggling with your own grief. I'm sure she'll understand. I suspect she asked your Mum to pass on her news out of sensitivity rather than trying to upset you further, but people can't do right for doing wrong in these situations. If you feel brave enough, share with her your feelings of anger and resentment and let her know that it is the pregnancy that you find hard to deal with and not her. Deep down, I think we are all far more angry about the situation than we are with the person when something like this happens and it's often harder to deal with, the closer you are to the person involved.

At the end of the day, she has done nothing wrong and, although I know from experience that you need someone or something to blame, it doesn't make your own loss any less difficult to deal with. I'm sure, in time, you will feel less angry about this, but it is not a bad thing to acknowledge these feelings and work through them. It's a natural part of the grief process and you're perfectly entitled to rant and rave about the injustice of it all because it is bloody unfair. Funnily enough, I've always felt better when baby bumps become babies. Then it becomes just another Mum with another child as opposed to a pregnant person showing off the bump that you should have too.

Not entirely sure this will be remotely helpful right now but, after 2 years of trying and 18 months of infertility, I have finally fallen pg again. I still get irrationally angry when I see friends who have children with the closer age gap that I wanted between my own - and I still find it hard to be around other pregnant ladies sometimes, but time has been a great healer and I hope you get what you sorely deserve soon. In the meantime, please feel free to rant all you like. You are not bitter and horrible, just understandably upset. xxx

GreenPetal94 · 24/01/2011 23:30

I'm sorry to hear your bad news and I do understand why you are so upset. But you sister's pregnancy can't be changed and you just need to stay in contact with her even if it is hard just now. My best friend went through failed IVF the same time I conceived my first child and she has told me since that she found that very hard. We were maybe a little more distant but stayed in touch. In the end she did have a successful pregnancy and now our boys are just one year different in age and they are v good friends.

It took my best friend 5 years to admit how upset she was with my pregnancy by the way.

Sending you lots of love. I've had two miscarriages and 2 healthy boys and in the long run the pain does change. It fades but you still remember.

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