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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

What NOT t to say after suffering miscarriage.

44 replies

containher · 20/01/2011 13:42

My friend has just told me that at her 12 weeks scan, the baby had died at 8 weeks. Obviously she is devestated. I don't know what sorts of things to say to comfort her, but I am sure there are plenty of things NOT to say. For those of you who have had to go through this terrible ordeal, what are some of the insensitive things well meaning people have said to you? I would hate to say something wrong to her and make her feel even more sad than she is already.

OP posts:

LAF77 · 20/01/2011 19:46

Containher you are so kind to think about her and go out of your way. None of my friends in RL have done anything so nice to me. I'd add to the list

"Don't worry, I'm sure it will happen eventually." No one knows that will be the case.

Let her do the talking about her feelings as there will be a whole range of emotions and she may not even know what they are until she verbalises them. Good for you for being there.

hairyfairylights · 20/01/2011 19:50

Don't say it'll be ok next time
don't say you know how she feels
don't say at least she can get
pregnant
don't say you've heard of this or that treatment

spilttheteaagain · 20/01/2011 20:01

-These things happen
-You just need to put behind you and move on
-It's nature's way
-There must have been something wrong with it
-At least you can get pregnant
-You can try again

As others say, an "I'm so sorry" is enough. She can cry/talk about it/change the subject from there. Follow her lead.

On behalf of your friend, thank you for your kindness and consideration.

Dozer · 20/01/2011 21:54

All the above. Or "it's really common".

There is a long sticky thread in the mc section of baby amd bump about what not to say. The mc association website has a good leaflet for friends / family on things that can be helpful.

I have been through recurrent mc, but recently two friends lost their first pregnancies and I had no idea what to say, probably got it all wrong despite my experience, everyone reacts differently. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful friend.

crochetcircle · 20/01/2011 22:23

The worst thing for me was a friend who had recently found out she was infertile. She said she wanted what I had had, even if she were only pregnant for a day and then lost it. This ate me up as onethe one hand I felt so bad for her, she is a very close friend. But on the other I'd just been through the worst experience of my life and it hurt me that she wanted that pain.

I found it comforting to hear it had happened to others, although I didn't always want to talk to them about it.

Being completely accepting of all my worries and fears no matter how dark - was the best thing my closest friend did for me.

Collie2 · 20/01/2011 23:22

Don?t say ?at least you know you can pregnant? and ?its for the best'! I agree with MadamDeathStare, as much as you know it was natures way, it is never going to feel like it was ?for the best?!!

I?ve lost count of how many times I?ve been told these past few weeks how common miscarriage is, and how its happened to every (wo)man and his dog. While I have found comfort in knowing I'm not alone by talking to friends who have been through it and reading posts on here, its really not helpful to keep being told its so common. And to all those people that say ?it will work out next time??..how could you possibly know??? ? haven?t you heard how bloody common it is!!

As everyone has said containher you do sound like a lovely, sensitive friend who will say the right thing. Just be there for her, ready to listen when she is ready to talk. Like shinydiscoball I have had some friends who haven?t been in touch since it happened and I think that?s the most hurtful thing of all. Other friends that have been there have given me space but have let me know I?m in their thoughts and when I?ve needed company, they are there at a drop of a hat with a cup of tea in hand. Text her every few days, tell her you are thinking of her and her partner - thats enough to start.

One friend sent me flowers after about 10 days after. I was really touched by this and she left it a perfect amount of time so that it didn?t upset me too much.

I posted yesterday about an article in Marie Claire, if you go near a WHSmith, have a read.

Havingkittens · 21/01/2011 10:35

Tell her that you are there for her anytime she needs a chat, vent, rant etc. but also, if she doesn't come on any forums you could suggest she does. Talking to friends is great and it's lovely to know she has support from you but it's also extremely helpful to talk to others who are going through the same.

There have already been lots of helpful suggestions on here. I can only add that when she gets pregnant again don't say anything like "I've got a good feeling about this one" or "It will be fine this time, just you wait and see". I've had this said to me so many times and it's very frustrating because each time it wasn't fine and it didn't work out.

Basically try to avoid platitudes!

Cazm2 · 21/01/2011 11:29

shiney thats exactly what i felt! people didnt acknowledge my baby which was more hurtful than people saying something inappropriate.

Original poster

containher · 21/01/2011 15:54

Thank you all for the advice. I am sorry that you have all had to cope with such a terrible ordeal. I have spoken to my friend ( who lives 3 hours away from me, so I am going to see her on the weekend hopefully ) I sent her some flowers and hopefully after your advice, I didn't say anything insensitive!

OP posts:

scrappydappydoo · 21/01/2011 16:18

Same as everyone as said really - just say you are sorry and be there to listen and cry with you needed. You sound like a lovely friend and thank you for thinking before speaking.

TBH I didn't tell many people about my MC at 10 wks mostly because I hadn't told people I was pg and it was too painful to say well I was pg and now I'm not. But there will some people who upset me (although unintentionally)
The worst was MIL she kept wombling on about how back in her day you didn't really know you were pg until you were a few months gone so if you bled then you would just think it was a period and not know :( This really hurt because I did know and bleeding and cramps for 2 weeks was not just a period.
The other one that got me were the people who implied baby was just a bunch of cells as if it didn't matter. It was my baby of course it mattered.

batteryhen · 21/01/2011 17:59

lots of good advice here - I echo the 'at least you can get pregnant'.

I had someone say to me - 'think of it as a cake - where the mixture is not quite right and the cake fails to rise'....Really??!! How you can compare a MC to a cake receipe is beyond me.

runaroundstartsnow · 21/01/2011 18:11

"So where is the best place to get cheap pregnancy tests then?"
That made me put the phone down and cry for hours.

Sarahlou8 · 21/01/2011 21:37

My friend just gave me a huge hug and said "That's all I wanted to do"

It made me well up but it was lovely.

Glitterybits · 22/01/2011 11:03

You sound like a lovely friend. I wish I had one like you! Agree with all of the comments above and imagine that adding my own will probably be more of a cathartic rant for my own benefit than it will be helpful to you!

The best thing you can do is tell her how very sorry you are and then listen to whatever she wants to say - even if that's nothing at all - or she brings it up again and again for the next year or so. Someone sent me a huge box of chocolates with a note that said simply: Not the answer, but hopefully this will make you feel a bit better. It was lovely because they weren't trying to do anything other than let me know they were thinking of me. They KNEW they couldn't fix it for me.

People feel compelled to wave a magic wand and try to make people feel better in these situations, but there is nothing anyone can do to make it better for her, because no one can bring back her baby. Have to say that uggmum's comment struck a note with me. I got so irritated by people giving me their baby to hold thinking they were doing me a kindness. All it did was upset me further and act as a reminder of what I had failed to do. I didn't want someone else's baby. I wanted my own!

Also found it horrible to tell people I'd suffered a miscarriage because I found myself apologising for putting people in the position of reacting to the news. We are all human at the end of the day and there is no right way to act as all women suffer this differently. From my own experience though, I'd say less is more. Listen and say nothing at all if you think there is the slightest chance that what you say could be taken the wrong way and don't try to placate her with any comments that begin with, "At least..." She probably won't want to be placated; rather rant about the injustice of it all.

Jaguar11 · 23/01/2011 09:50

A friend told me she understood how I felt because it was the same for her when she had an abortion (not for any medical reasons, purely unwanted at that time).

My mum (2 weeks after erpc) told me I was making everybody around me miserable.

My bf told me to cheer up and also made me feel guilty for being upset because he kept saying the wrong thing. He was only trying to help but really I just wanted a hug as no words make you feel better.

A work friend asked me why I had decided to keep the baby in the first place (as it was a surprise pregnancy and we're not married).

Sounds like you did exactly the right thing by just showing you care and do please keep up that support.

pigletmania · 23/01/2011 12:04

Where do I start:

There was something wrong with the baby

Its meant to be

Better it MC now than to be born with severe disability.

You've got one healthy one so you can do it again

Where you pregnant in the first place, was it just a delayed period . Hmmm well I did test positive and on MC a sac came out, so was not a figment of my imagination.

Bonkerz · 23/01/2011 12:14

I think the hardest thing for me after my 2 MC ( one was at 8 weeks and natural and one was detected at 12 weeks and baby had died at 8 weeks like in OP) was that noone seemed to realise i had lost my babies. At 8 weeks outsiders tend to forget that you have already imagined a future with that baby, you have started thinking of names and wondering how your life will change and you have started to prepare for that change. When i reached 12 weeks with my 2nd MC i was in full mum mode, that was taken from me at the 12 week scan (made worse for me as i had a scan at 8 weeks and there had been a heartbeat and i was told it was a good sign as once a heartbeat was found the chances of MC reduces drastically) I still cant watch the video from christmas 2004 as i am sat there thinking i was pregnant when the baby had actually died.
I second the remembering due date suggestion. My angels are remembered every year as are the MC dates.

theDudesmummy · 23/01/2011 14:55

I sometimes came back to the mc threads as I spent several years suffering recurrent mc's and had a baby very late in the day (aged nearly 46) after being a patient of Leslie Regan and Raj Rai (wonderful people)at the recurrent miscarriage clinic at St Mary's.

Most people who knew about it were very kind and thoughtful during the time of the mc's but people can say some rather silly things without thinking. At one ultrasound (third mc) when the technician was telling me that sadly there was no heartbeat, she went on to say "never mind, you are young" (I was 44). That certainly did not help.

theDudesmummy · 23/01/2011 14:58

I also found it horrible to have to tell people that I'd had an mc. At the time of one of my mc's I had to send my apologies for a court appearance (part of my work) because I was in hospital having a D&C, and the judge, when told that I was unwell and could not attend, insisted (in open court apparantly) on knowing exactly what was wrong with me which meant I could not be there. He would not take my simply being in hospital as an answer, he had to know for what. I belive he shut up after being told. That still annoys me.

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