Please or to access all these features

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

How 'open' have you been with colleagues about why you havent been in work?

9 replies

IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 17/01/2011 16:59

and why should I be asking this question? If I had been off with flu/stomach bug/bereavement etc I would openly tell folk at work. Why, following my second miscarriage in 9 months (first time at only 6 weeks, this time 11 weeks) am I debating on who needs to know? So far, only my boss, and two immediate members of my team know the reason why I am not currently at work, should I tell the others when I return? We are a fairly small dept (about 15 of us altogether) and the majority are a pretty friendly bunch, who will probably ask why I have been off - should they be told? I suppose my main reasons for asking this is 1) I don't want folk to feel uncomfortable around me & 2) I don't want the less tolerant members to think "oh here we go again" and make some unwanted remark (perhaps I'm being a bit too over sensitive on that point). How did you deal with the return to work questions?

OP posts:
IfAtFirstUDontSucceed · 17/01/2011 16:59

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs

OP posts:
Sam100 · 17/01/2011 17:06

I think it is really down to you and how you feel. When I miscarried it was a couple of weeks after I had proudly announced to everyone at work that I was pregnant (fairly small business of about 12 people). So I wanted everyone who had known I was pregnant to know that I now wasn't so that I did not have to tell them myself - I asked my boss to tell them while I was off. I was off work for nearly 2 weeks.

Don't worry about other people's feelings - if you want them to know then tell them but equally it is none of their business if you want it to be private.

Collie2 · 17/01/2011 21:54

Everyone is different so i think it all depends on how you personally feel. Like you I told my boss and 2 close colleagues. This week is my second back after miscarrying a few days after Christmas, (although told before at the scan that our baby had no heartbeat). I found having these 3 people knowing really reassuring. Not having to hide things and think up lies to them has been one less thing to worry about.

I work in a larger organisation, but there are only about 12 of us on my floor, but i still didn't want everyone knowing - they didn?t know i was pregnant so didn't want them knowing about my loss. I agree it is odd that we ask the question 'who should i tell' as if you'd had a bereavement in the family you wouldn't question people knowing. For me though i didn't want people discussing it and don't want people knowing i am trying. I also didn't want to feel that uncomfortable atmosphere of people knowing, but not knowing what to say. Not because of them, but because it would bother me.

I generally managed questions like with a brief as possible answer that politely answer but infers I don?t want to talk about it. A bug had gone around my office so most people assumed I had had that, but if they asked I didn?t lie, I just said no. Noone has directly asked me why I was off, but if they did I?d either just say I wasn?t well, or that it was non of their business. I have a sneaking that a couple of people have worked it out for themselves anyway.

If you don?t tell people, there is always the chance that someone who isn't in the know, might say something wrong though. On my first day back, after asking me if I?d been off with a bug, a colleague then proclaimed 'we had you down for being pregnant'! ...No, sadly not! This was then followed by another announcing to me that she was indeed 14 weeks gone!! But as hard as those moments were, I?d prefer that than people not being themselves around me.

But I agree with Sam100, make the decision for you, not everybody else. You have enough to deal with.

brokeoven · 17/01/2011 22:01

I found that i told one or two...then every one knew.

I couldnt hide it as i was covered in huge bruises up my arms from drips, and my uniform is short sleeved.

I did not want to tell folk, but found that there were lots of days when i was feeling , well, sad and needed cuppas and a hug, not many, but every now and again. They were all lovely.

After my 5th mc, i made it a bit light hearted, joked that i have them every other month and that i was bored with them now SadSadSad
Told them that my "oven is broken"
It kinda broke the ice and removed any discomfort.

kat2504 · 17/01/2011 23:32

For some reason it seems to be a taboo subject. I don't know why, any other bereavement is not treated the same way, guess it is because people find it really hard to know what to say.

Do what is best for you. When I miscarried it was relatively well known that I was pregnant. So I got one person at work to spread the news before I returned. Some people acknowledged it kindly, others said nothing and I was able to carry on as "normal"
If nobody knew about your pregnancy you may prefer just to say you were off sick, but you will need people to understand that you are quite emotionally fragile perhaps, depending on how you are coping at the moment.

I personally had more unwanted remarks from my family than my colleagues. Most of them just said they were sorry to hear about it and asked after my health.

Coldcuppacoffee · 22/01/2011 00:55

I told my line manager because I left work in a hurry one afternoon. He was very understanding. He said that if I wanted to be off for several days then I should tell him what to do about telling more senior bosses.

I opted for natural delivery of an 8wk foetus which happened about a week after I found out.

Oddly, I really wanted to be at work. (probably because I didn't want to be home alone).

I've had a couple of tough days but noone knowing has really helped me retain some of my normal life. My boss hasn't asked me any questions and I don't think he ever will.

It really depends on your office, but for me, I like that noone knows. In my personal life, everyone knows and I've made it known it's not a secret. I've had a lot of support from other people who have felt the same and would like to help others in the future. I might tell them at work if I manage to have another pregnancy.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/01/2011 04:02

Just thinking about this now. My lovely ex boss knows as she knew I was pg. Also as I am having an ERPC on Monday and new boss wasn't in today I had to notify someone at work. She is going to tell new boss, who didn't know I was pg.

But we're all really friendly in our office. People will wonder why I'm suddenly off again (after 7 sodding weeks off with pneumonia) and so are bound to find out whether I want them to or not. I've just got over the 'sorry you've been so ill, you still sound rough' and now this.

harassedinherpants · 22/01/2011 10:05

I've not told anyone at work, and I'm not going to. No one knew I was pregnant, so there's no need to.

I told them I had a gynaecological problem and need an emergency op (had erpc on Tues). Hospital gave me a sick note for "post operative recovery". Suitably vague!

My boss is NOT going to be happy at me taking maternity leave. It's a very small, male oriented, engineering company in a very niche industry which I have many years experience of, so (at the risk of sounding big headed!!) not easy to replace locally and affordably. For all these reasons, I didn't want them to know I was prg until after 12 wk scan at the earliest.

Nell799 · 22/01/2011 11:32

I am currently in the progress of a mc. I got promoted at work, and got my new boss three weeks ago.

I decide to tell him the truth, because I didn't want him to think I was pulling a fast one for a few days off , but when I mentioned the word miscarriage, it felt like I was saying a dirty word . Strange . He was very nice and I'm sure he will remain supportive , but I still felt I had to cover my back , and also send details in an email , so I had a record. my friend at work knows but no one else in my team .

New posts on this thread. Refresh page