feeling like giving up

[UntitledNo2]

DP and I have been TTC for 3 years now. We had 4 miscarriages in the first 2 years. Our last MC was almost 1 year ago (will be exactly 1 year ago this Sunday). We took 2 months off after that, so have been TTC for 10 months now. After 4 MCs. Still nothing.

Two weeks (to the day) after we had our last MC, DP's brother announced that he and his DP were expecting. When they had their baby (about 6 weeks after ours would have been due), we tried so, so hard to be excited for them - went to visit them in the hospital the day their DD was born - we wouldn't have (due to the extreme pain it caused us), but they insisted they wanted all the family there. We brought gifts, cards, and held their gorgeous daughter (so as not to offend DP's brother by refusing to hold her, even though it tore us apart). It was hideously painful. Not that we were jealous, but it was such a painful reminder of what we should have had.

Now, I just want to give up. I cannot cope with any more of this pain. I want to chuck in our jobs, spend the rest of our lives travelling to many destinations, and forget about this suffering. My DP and I want children so very much, but given that that seems to be a pipe dream, perhaps we ought to focus on other things?

I just have no idea what to do.

How awful for you. Have you had any investigations?

Thanks, MommyM. No investigations yet, although my GP is sending me to see an obstetrician shortly (due to my gynecological issues), and an orthopedic surgeon, as my pelvis is extremely painful. Thanks for responding to me though. Feel like I am totally losing the plot!!

At least you know you can get pregnant. It is possible that you have some immunity issues, or there is something structural that is preventing you from staying pregnant.

How are you financially? Can you afford to go private?

Thanks again MommyM, for getting back to me.
Well, we can go private, for now - we have top level health insurance. For the moment. It is through my DP's employment though, and he is very likely to be made redundant within the next three months.

My GP is currently sending me for private tests, but here, even private can take anything from two days to three months, depending on the level of urgency. Fertility testing (etc) will be very slow, even if private - am in Ireland, btw.

I wouldn't worry too much about the fertility testing, after all, you can get pregnant so there are no fertility problems per se. Can you get your GP to refer you for a scan to see if there is anything wrong with your uterus? If you think this is going to take a while, then I would contact a fertility clinic in Ireland and ask them the best way forward. Do not leave it if you think you may not have Health Insurance for much longer.

So sorry to hear about the terrible time you have had and are having.

What stage were your MCs? I'm sure I read somewhere that if you have several at the same stage it points to a specific cause.

One possibility that might be worth looking into is that you could have some blood clotting issues (thrombophilias) that cause tiny clots and mean the baby can't get the nutrients and oxygen it needs. This is treated with daily low dose aspirin/sometimes heparin injections.

Maybe have a google and see if you can find a recurrent miscarriage clinic you can go to for investigations.

hi there, i don't think there's any way you should give up on your dream when you haven't even had any tests. i am really surprised you haven't been offered any investigations until now, through the health service where you are. as i'm sure you know there are some common causes of miscarriage that are diagnosed easily through a blood test and are very treatable (clotting conditions) so at the very least you should rule that out asap. You don't say how old you are, which is obviously a key factor in whether to 'give up' but if you are in your 30s or even early 40s, then there is every reason to try, try, and try again. in the end, whether you abandon your dream to have a baby really comes down to how important that dream is to you and whether the tests that you must have suggest there is any chance of you carrying a pregnancy. If the tests dont show anything wrong; or show something treatable; and If it means everything to you, then you will keep going, however painful it is. There are many many stories of women who have multiple losses without any explanation and then go on to have a successful pregnancy. it can happen.
you're not alone.

you'll always

sorry, not sure why there's a "you'll always" at the end of my post - think i was going to say, "you'll always find support from people who understand how awful it is to go through this, on this message board."

Hi Ladies, apologies for not returning to this thread sooner - have spent the past couple of days having lots of conversations with DP about this, have done lots of crying, and am now starting to feel human (and sane!) again.

spilttheteaagain , my MCs were all early, 8 - 10 weeks. Am going to do some research re your suggestions - thanks so much for your fedback/advice on this.

sotough - thanks so much for your wise words also. I'm 26, DP and I have been TTC for 3 years, so while I am still relatively young, the length of time we have been TTC for has worried me. My last GP was very, very dismissive of my worries, due to my age, so have recently moved to a new GP who is much more supportive.

Am definitely feeling much more level headed and positive about the whole situation today. It has been really getting me down, but now we are pro-actively seeking help, which is a step forward. I think I was getting so overwhelmed and upset by the whole situation that I really just wanted to run, hide, and ignore it.

We do still really want children, it's all we want in fact, and all of your responses have helped to focus my mind and drag me out of my wallowing and self pity. So thank you all, very, very much.

Untitled
Firstly I realy feel for you and am sorry you are going through such a horrible time.

I am no expert but have had 4 mcs and split is right, the stage at which you miscarry is very significant and I'm surprised your consultant hasnt latched onto this. For example, at 8-10 weeks the placenta takes over the job of maintaining the pg hormones, the job of nutrition, blood supply etc. If this switch over doesnt go smoothly the pg can run into problems - many reasons but its a start point to check your clotting, hormones etc.

I know 3 months seems a long time for your test results but the bigger picture is, in 3 mths time you could have a very simple answer to the problem, a simple solution and hey...a viable bean!

Take heart..after my mcs, given my age I was coming to terms with 'it wasnt meant to be'. My test results showed a complicated blood disorder which actually had a very simple solution. I started treatment and got pg before my follow up apt which shocked the consultant no end! I am now 20 wks.

I know the wait is horrible but dont give up yet, you havent exhausted all the options...or even started really delving into them. Have faith, you'll get there
xx

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is unbelievably painful. Fwiw I think you were amazing going to see your niece, you must be a lovely person.

Can I echo what the others have said and go and get investigations. There may well be something that can help you with the MCs (heparin is widely under prescribed in my experience, for example) and you need expert help.

I would go private asap and my experience has been to go to the place with the best results. There is a board called ivfconnections.com that has an Irish section and the amount of general knowledge on that board is incredible (most posters are American). I am convinced that we would never have got lucky as lucky as we did through IVF if I hadn't found that site (we were an unusually complicated case ...)

Take care of yourselves.

Thanks Jasmine and WhoKnew, and all the others who have posted support... And Jasmine, congratulations, am so very happy for you. I have felt the need to resurrect this thread, have had a very rough week,and so wanted to thank you all for your kind words. Re-reading this thread has helped me so much.

We have just suffered another 'setback'. Horrendous. I have been trying to busy myself with other stuff, but, end of the day... 'Tis shite.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

I can completely understand how hard it is when family have their babies around the time yours were due - my SIL has a dd who was born about 2 weeks after my 3rd mc baby was due, and will have her 2nd in April, 6 weeks after my 4th mc baby was due. It takes time to deal with this, but you will get to a place where you can eventually.

I am currently undergoing treatment for NK cells, privately, as I have very high NK cells,so it looks like these attack my pgs. I haven't got beyond 10 weeks, although I do have one miracle dd - age 5 - Lord knows how she got through! I am ttc, and it's a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, but I am a stubborn so and so, and just want to know that I've given it my all.

What's your setback?

Please try and take some solace in your age, and the fact that you can get pg - believe it or not, those are really positive things in all of this pain.

Take care xxxx

Untitled - Have you been offered any bereavement counselling at all? I've just come out of hospital after a mc and they gave me the number of a counsellor based at the hospital in case I needed it. It might be worth looking into if you feel you need someone to talk to. Good luck.

Oh, lovemysleep, thank you. How truly horrible for you, it is so difficult, and thank you for sharing your experiences. I do hope that your treatment goes well, and that there is a wonderful reward at the end of it. It is so bloody difficult though, isn't it? You feel happy for the family member, but also sad for yourself, your DP and your missing baby, then you feel guilty for feeling sad for yourself when you should be over the moon as you have a lovely new baby in the family, then bitter that you have to be feeling sad and guilty whilst others are so happy, then ashamed that you feel bitter.

Current setback - DP has just found out that he is definitely being made redundant, has only been in his current job three years, so redundancy payment will be pitiful. So now, we have to decide if we want to continue TTC, knowing that money will be extremely tight. Which, of course, is not ideal, but at the same time, we know it most likely be a long road, so are wary of delaying things. Rock and a hard place.

Coconutfeet, no, I have never had/been offered bereavement counselling. I will absolutely discuss it with my GP, right now I need all the help I can get! I am so sorry for your loss. Thank goodness for the wonderful support on here, it has kept me sane (I posted a lot on here after previous MCs, under another name, and the support I received was truly amazing). I hope that you are okay.

Hi Untitled, can't believe your GP was so dismissive of your problems after that many miscarriages. Normally you 'only' require 3 MCs to be referred for tests and sometimes, if you twist their arm, they might refer you after 2. You should definitely push your GP. It doesn't matter what age you are and the fact you have more time to keep trying. It's the emotional pain and trauma of all your losses that should count. I really despair of some medical staff sometimes!

I feel your pain regarding friends and family having babies around your due date. My close friend from school had her first baby this week and I would have been due next month if not for my MMC. It breaks my heart and while I'm happy for her, it doesn't make my own pain go away . It always reminds me of what (well, who) I lost...

Best of luck getting your referral from your GP

InMyPrime, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I really hope that you are okay. It is so bloody difficult, isn't it?

Ah, my old GP was a nightmare, was very dismissive and, sadly, only interested in MH issues (was writing a book on MH at the time, now, I do appreciate that MH problems are very serious, but after suffering yet another MC, I really did want to talk about something other than my stress levels/depression). Thankfully, my new GP is much more supportive, so hopefully, things are starting to get better.

Thank you for your lovely words of support.