Miscarried dec 29th and still struggling with grief

[Collie2]

Hi. I'm really not sure why I'm posting as there are already so many similar stories out there that are heart felt and give me strength but I suppose I feel the need to tell someone how I'm feeling and I've heard they say it helps to write things down. I had my 12 week scan on dec 20th only to be told our baby had no heartbeat. My DH and I were devestated. It was our first pregnancy and was so excited. We knew the risks of miscarriage but it was still a shock. I decided to miscarry naturally, which finally came between after Christmas and before new year. I'm glad I opted this way but the wait was hard and it pains me to say I was eventually relieved. Since then I've practically recovered physically, although often tired. But emotionally I'm all over the place. Some days i feel I'm coping well but other days, like today, I can barely stop crying. I want to be strong, but I don't know how. I have a friend who is due any day and thinking about it makes me so sad. I know that one day it will happens for us, but right now I don't find much comfort in that.

i am so sorry for your loss. wrt the grief. i think it is still very early days and i would expect if it were me to still be grieving at this early stage.

do your family know?

Hi yes my family know and my husband has been great but I've struggler to open to anyone but him, trying to put on a brave face over Christmas. Most of my close friends live quite far away and the ones which are close are pregnant or with babies and I've not told them.
The baby was only 9 1/2 weeks when it died and there are so many sad stories our there of losses later that I feel I should be coping better.

you absoloutely shouldn't be comparing how you are coping with anyone else. you lost YOUR baby, that is completely individual to you. as i said, this is still really early, not yet 2 weeks. continue talking with your husband and don't feel you should be bottling anything up or putting on a brave face. do write things down and see if that helps. have you thought of having some counselling?

hi collie2, sorry to read of your loss and subsequent pain, i know how you feel as i went through pretty much the same thing. i agree with ilove', don't compare yourself with ANYONE and certainly don't feel you should 'put a brave face on'. when i had mc i used to cry whenever and where ever i wanted!! sainsburys was pretty usual! it'll help with the healing process, remember you are full of hormones, you have been through a really sad experience and noone would expect you to be all perky. be nice to yourself and try and do things that will make you happy ie have a chinese takeaway and watch a good film, i found it best to try and distract myself, the pain is awful but it does get better. it is very normal to have a mc first time round although i didn't know this at the time. i am sure you will go on to have a normal pregnancy, most women do (inc me and i was 37 at the time), wishing you all the best x

Hi Collie,

So sorry to hear what you're going through but hope it does help to share your story here. We lost our baby at the beginning of November at 20 weeks but I know we would have been just as devastated had it been earlier so please don't feel you should be coping better or feeling any different. This was also our first pregnancy and we too just feel so sad but it is getting easier as the days pass. It is hard as like you we seem to be surrounded by people who are either pregnant or have recently had babies, which constantly reminds us of where we should be but hopefully we'll get our time again soon.

There are no hard and fast rules as to how you should feel. Go easy on yourself and take each day as it comes. It is a bit of a rollercoaster. I had a few better weeks and then went back to having a few weeks when I couldn't sleep and was almost constantly in tears just before Christmas. I'm now feeling a bit more positive again but still really taking it day by day.

Take care.

X

Hi collie,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had the same experience 4 weeks ago - went for my 12 week scan with first pg thinking everything was fine, only to be told that baby had died. It is a massive shock to find out that way, and an mc is always going to be really hard in any case. I find that every day is better than the one before, but I am by no means over this yet, and don't think I will be for some time.

We just need to take our time - the losses we have all suffered on this board, regardless of how early or late they happened, or how far baby had developed, are real losses - we all had hopes and dreams and expectations which, this time around, have been taken away. Please don't let anyone tell you how you should feel, or how long you should grieve for - you need to do whatever you feel is best for you and make your way through this with the help of others, whether on MN or in RL. There is no shame in crying - it is still very very early days, your loss is still very raw.

take care of yourself x

Thanks for your replies and for sharing your stories. I suppose it really is still raw and I'm putting pressure on myself to recover before I have. It really does help to hear about your experiences. I'm so sorry shiningstar about your loss, you sound very brave.
Wellieboots I'm sorry for your loss too. Yes, having that terrible news delivered on a day you expect to be so joyful is hard. As you say, our hopes and dreams, for this time, are gone.

It's such a sad an painful thing to be going through, sharing it with others that understand is comforting.

My thoughts are with you all too xx

Hi. I just had to post a comment to you as I feel exactly the same as you. I went for my 12wk scan on 17th Dec and was told that the baby had no heartbeat. They think it had died the previous wk. I am still very much struggling to cope with my grief. My dh seems to be ok now and, although I'm sure he still thiks about it privately, outwardly he seems back to normal. I have good days and bad days, haven't been able to stop crying today though! I am so lucky that I have 2 healthy children already. And I read other people's posts on here and wonder how they can cope with their later losses and I think I should be able to cope better than this. I opted for the ERCP because I wanted my children to have a good Xmas, didn't want to miscarry around that time. I feel like I cheated my baby by doing this though, I wish I could have done it naturally and not had it taken away from me like that.

I am so glad I found this discussion forum. It's very comforting to know that there are others out there feeling the same as me. My heart goes out to you all xx

Hello Collie, (and wellie, shining and jammy) I am so sorry to hear of all your losses.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it really has been such a short time. Please do not put any pressure on yourself to "get over it" or imagine you should be feeling better. It takes as long as it takes.

I had my first miscarriage in December 08 and my second the following April. I still remember my due dates and the dates I found out I had miscarried. I have since had my gorgeous DD but still sometimes think of the ones I lost and wonder what they would have been like or looked like.

Please be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. You have my hearfelt sympathies x

Collie & everyone, I?m so sorry for your loss. You mustn?t be thinking that you should be coping better because other people have been through worse. There are always going to be people who have been through worse situations but life is relative and you can?t compare your personal tragedy with others.

Unfortunately, it is time that heals and this is still very recent for you. I lost our first in July last year and it was earlier than you and I still have off days. I think i am over the grief in itself, it?s just more about wanting to be pregnant again to replace what we lost and to have that excitement again.

I?m really sorry for what you ?re going through. Of course, it is always doubly cruel because women who have had miscarriages are normally always going to be surrounded by pregnant women or people with babies ? I think I find that harder.

In time you may wish to let your friends with babies know what has happened as they need to be sensitive towards you.

again, so sorry. Just give yourself time. Treat yourself to a glass of wine etc! x.

Dear jammy k, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's such a sad thing to have all your hopes and dreams for the future snapped away in just moment. I hope you find comfort in though others on here, I know when I posted last week I felt so alone and empty, but the kind replies from others on here have really given me strength. I don't think there is anything I can say to help ease your grief, other than to let yourself grieve. Up until last week I'd put pressure on myself to be as'fine as possible' and although I'd cried, I'd not allowed myself to grieve, like you thinking there are people living through worse! But as vics79 says, it's all realative, and unless we allow ourselves to grieve and feel sorry for ourselves, we can't heal. Since the good adivce from the the girls on here I stopped feeling guilty for feeling sorrow, and have slowly got stronger. I still have my ups and downs every day, but I let myself have them. Just lady week I dreaded hearing the news fro my expectant friend that she'd given birth, that I'd avoided speaking to her. But yesterday I told her, to only find out she had been through this same thing earlier in the year. Having her to talk about my experience has helped, and hers is a good news story too which I can't help nut take hope from.

You are so blessed to have 2 children, and I hope they give you strength, but I don't think for a minute just because you have children, it should make your loss easier.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say to make things better. But I had some good advice yesterday which was to cry, let yourself grieve and feel sorry for yourself and spend time with your partner ( and family). Everyday does get easier. Xxxxx

Dear jammy k, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It's such a sad thing to have all your hopes and dreams for the future snapped away in just moment. I hope you find comfort though in others on here. I know when I posted last week I felt so alone and empty, but the kind replies from others on here have really given me strength. I don't think there is anything I can say to help ease your grief, other than to let yourself grieve. Up until last week I'd put pressure on myself to be as'fine as possible' and although I'd cried, I'd not allowed myself to grieve, like you thinking there are people living through worse! But as vics79 says, it's all realative, and unless we allow ourselves to grieve and feel sorry for ourselves, we can't heal. Since the good advice from the the girls on here I stopped feeling guilty for feeling sorrow, and have slowly got stronger. I still have my ups and downs every day, but I let myself have them. Just last week I dreaded hearing the news from my expectant friend that she'd given birth, that I'd avoided speaking to her. But yesterday I told her, to only find out she had been through this same thing earlier in the year. Having her to talk about my experience has helped, and hers is a good news story too which I can't help nut take hope from.

You are so blessed to have 2 children, and I hope they give you strength, but I don't think for a minute just because you have children, it should make your loss easier.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say to make things better. But I had some good advice yesterday which was to cry, let yourself grieve and feel sorry for yourself and spend time with your partner ( and family). Everyday does get easier. Xxxxx

Hi Collie,

im in the same place as you i misacrried over xmas, ( started xmas eve ) and have only just stopped bleeding yesterday. It was my 2nd pregnancy but my OHs first, he was truely devastated as am i, but now he seems to be coping so much better than me. I tried doing the brave face thing for christmas as we were actually on holiday with 2 other familys and didnt want to ruin their holiday but it was the hardest thing ever. I still have days like today where i have returned to the EPU and had another urine test and according to that its still a BFP thats whats so devastating im awaiting blood results now to see how high my bhcg level is, id opted for a natural miscarriage as i felt anything else would seem like i had made the decision so i wanted to let my body control it instead which the hospital allowed me to do, but if my levels havent dropped enough i will have to go in for a D&C which is everything i didnt want.

Only time can help us all, both physically and mentally and we will each be different in what our needs are in coming to terms with our loses but im ever hopeful from the support on here that with time we will each feel stronger x

Hi colie I was told I'd miscarry on the 22dec at 11 weeks I had already lost a baby that may @15weeks I had to go thru a natural induced labour! It has scarred my husband &i big time! You will never get over this. It stays with you forever. I have had two best friendswho just had babies in dec and it kills you! My 2 Sis in law are also pregnant so I cannot escape it!
But do share your feelings do talk and include your partner I shut mine out with the first one. There was such distance between us. You're partner will never comprehend what it's like to have that little life growing and bonding with you from the moment you see a positive on the pregnancy test!
My advice is look after yourself don't be visiting pals with babies until you are ready if they ate friends they should understand . Be as open as you can be

My last message was a Lil unclear I lost a baby at 15weeks natural induced labour due to acrania.
I'm currently miscarrying my 2nd baby at the min I had a d&c and I'm still bleeding& cramping. I've been off work for 2 weeks now hope to return this week don't think I can face it.:(

Hi All, I am new to the board but wanted to echo all your thoughts and feelings.

I lost my first pregnancy at 11 + 5 at my scan on 23 October last year i was told no heartbeat and my baby had died at 8+5. I had to have to ERPC's as had a lot of problems. It was the most horrendous thing I have had to deal with ( I have a pretty rough childhood as well). All mine and my DH hopes and dreams just went.

I am getting there but I think its under estimated how much it affects people. My family have been great but to be honest I have really struggled with everyone around me as they dont understand and expect you to be normal quickly. I still get times i want to scream and cry its so unfair but others dont get it. My DH is dealing with it a lot better and is now wanted to try again whilst I want to I am so damn scared.

Please make sure you talk and i have found sharing it with others who have been through it the best way. My auntie who suffered at miscarriage at 16 weeks that it never goes away and you will never forget your bubba but it goes to a nicer place in your mind.

love and best wishes to al

I'm having a sad day today. My friend gave birth yesterday (who I am thrilled for), but it just made me sad. It feels like so long ago that I was pregnant, it's like a distant dream, so brief it's as though it almost wasn't real. My husbands also away in the states with work since Sunday and isn't back for another 10 days so, I'm trying to keep busy, but feeling lonely. He's so far away and we only really get 10 minutes to talk everyday.

How is everyone else doing? Xxxx