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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

19 years old, miscarried, feeling alone.

9 replies

Kazine · 05/01/2011 15:42

I miscarried my first pregnancy at 5/6 weeks. It started on 29th December but didn't actually miscarry the embryo until 2nd January, happened to be in hospital getting checked out for the bleeding and cramping at the time. The doctor was awful to me, he took me into the consultation room and he had my embryo (my little boy - I obviously don't know the gender, but my partner and I have thought of it as a boy) in a jar marked with 'HARMFUL'. Don't know how they can say my little boy is harmful. But he said to me "It does look like you have miscarried the pregnancy," no trace of sympathy or empathy to be found, turning the jar upside down and right side up again in front of me and then dropping it onto the desk. I think that was horribly insensitive of him.

I waited at hospital for about 3 hours, and after an hour waiting for a blood test result to find out if I needed some injection, I was told I could go. That's when it hit me, and I cried so hard in the hospital corridor that I was nearly screaming. I have been up and down since then (I have possible borderline personality disorder, so extreme ups and downs are very common for me). I move from feeling like nothing ever happened, to wanting to die myself. I got so attached to him, in the week that I knew I had him, to the day I lost him. 26/12/10 - 02/01/11. I'm just devastated to lose him and I don't know what to do with myself.

Absolutely no one understands what I'm going through. My friends are mostly male, and they all have the 'it's just an embryo' attitude, which is really hurtful. I have been told a range of hurtful things such as "It's not the end of the world" and "Hey, at least you can drink now!" They don't understand and they aren't acting like I've had a loss at all. They just pretend like it hasn't even happened. The only person who is being sympathetic is one of the only female friends that I have and since she is young she has never been pregnant before, hasn't had a miscarriage nor an attachment to a baby, she's never even held a baby, so she doesn't truly understand. My partner was never as emotionally attached to the baby as I was, so he isn't as bad as me. The borderline personality issues is probably making it even worse for me because at my low points I just go silent and unresponsive while quietly wanting to die, and around me are people acting like it's no big deal when in reality it's brought my world crashing down.

I'm just so lost :/.

OP posts:
milou2 · 05/01/2011 15:54

Bless you, bless your partner and bless your little one. Light a candle, think of a name, grieve your loss in whatever ways feel right for you. I'm so sorry for you. Hugs.

onepieceoflollipop · 05/01/2011 15:58

Sorry for your loss.

If you or your partner feel able, perhaps you could make a formal, written complaint about the doctor who dropped the jar on the table and was otherwise very unkind and unprofessional. I have never heard of this happening with miscarriage (the jar marked "harmful"). What a traumatic experience for you.

cep · 05/01/2011 16:02

Kazine I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I had a mc back at the beginning of december, and although was due to go in for the op on the friday i passed it naturally at home on the thursday. I saw it in the little sac floating around which was weird. I found it strange/difficult as i had seen the heartbeat a few weeks before. Men will never feel the same connection, at least at the early stage, because it's not inside them and they don't feel the nausea. that's not to say that some won't be devasted because they will be . My dh was upset but was upset for me cause at this stage it's not 'real' for him.

I'm sorry that your experience with the dr was so bad, mine were matter of fact but said they were sorry for my loss. I suppose in their position they've got to distance themselves to a certain extent otherwise it would effect them to do this so often everyday.
I was told by the dr that the positive is that i was able to get pregnant, and i've found it's helped to focus on starting to ttc again.

I hope that you soon start to feel better, and it may be worth speaking to someone professionally about it. if i remember correctly there was a list of people you could speak to on the miscarriage leaflet if you were finding it difficult to deal with.

CornflowerB · 05/01/2011 16:11

I'm so sorry love. A miscarriage is an awful experience no matter how many weeks pregnant you are. That doctor's behaviour is truly shocking. I had a horrible time at a general hospital the first time it happened to me. When it happened again I went to a maternity hospital and they were much better.

I think that what is very difficult to take in is that you thought your future was going to involve this baby and now you have to get used to the idea that it won't. It takes time to adjust and to get your head around that. People who have not been in the situation find it very difficult to understand.

Is there a GP or practice nurse that you could talk to? You mentioned borderline personality - have you been seeing a doctor for this? You are very vulnerable at this time and it would probably be good to talk to a sympathetic healthcare professional.

Kazine · 06/01/2011 18:41

Thank you for all of your replies. It's nice to have some support when so few people in my lives are supportive.

I thought I passed the embryo on the 2nd at the hospital, but since I didn't know what it was, I was wrong, and I passed it at home last night. I feel better about that because the hospital weren't going to give me it back, if that was what it had been, but now I have it and have buried it in a tree I bought especially for this. Me and my partner both feel better that we've been able to bury him instead of having him disposed as biomedical waste.

Cornflower, I am still waiting on help from the NHS about that. I've had numerous appointments because I had depression from the end of July-beginning of December, and then I started trying to get help for BPD, but I'm still getting nowhere unfortunately. Also, are maternity hospitals private or are there NHS ones? Being as young as I am I can't really afford to go private.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
SpannerPants · 06/01/2011 19:17

The "harmful" on the container was probably regarding the preservative in it - formaldehyde is pretty toxic stuff.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with the Dr at the hospital - that must have made an awful experience so much worse!

Take care x

jaylee89 · 12/01/2011 14:22

hey kazine im in the process of havin a mc at the moment and i completely understand how you feel....i was 6 weeks pregnant and had alot of blood tests to see wat my hcg lvls were every 48 hrs and waiting for 7 hours to find out the results is agony....last night i was finally told that i had mc and the pain i have in my heart is unbearable......i just keep asking myself how can something u want so bad be taken away from you......take good care of yourself in the next couple of weeks.

lighting a candle and giving your devastating loss a name and greiving is a wonderful idea and am thinkin of doing it myself or even buying a lanturn and writing a name on it and setting it off in the night as a sign that im finally coming to terms with my loss....i will forgive for this but i will never forget and the pain will ease as ive been told but atm i dont see how its sympathies are with you and i hope like myself we both have good news in a couple of months and hopefully go on to have a beautiful bundle to hold and be healthy just like any women would.....

BIG HUGS xxxxx

CarmenSales · 12/01/2011 17:51

Take careSmile!

KrissyLuvSam · 18/01/2011 09:33

So sorry for your loss, your not alone hun.. I'm 17 i've had 3 miscarriages, its an awful experience.. And as for the doctor he was very disrespectful to your little boy. Whatever you do dont give up hope. There is always hope babe, regardless of what i've been thru i've got a little boy who's nearly 3 and carrying again. If you need to talk mail me hun, make sure your partner looks after you hun. Xx

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