Miscarriage 23 Dec 2010 feeling angry

[LILI80]

I recently had a mmc on the 23 december 2010. This was my first mc and I already have a DD. Although I had a ERPOC on 30th december and physically my body is healing I'm finding the emotional side alot harder to overcome.

My emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm feeling positive about the future and trying again, the next I'm feeling tearful and then I'm feeling angry but angry at all of my pregnant friends.

I can't help but feel like a bit of a leper especially as one of my friends said she wasn't sure if I'd want to see her what with her "being pregnant and everything".

Right now I feel that I don't want to be around my pregnant friends but then I don't want to isolate myself further.Plus these people already have children who my DD plays with and I don't want to isolate her. Has anyone else felt like this? I know I should be happy for my PG friends but I can't help but feel bitter!

I also had a mc on 22nd dec and ERPC on christmas eve. Something to remember everyone year! I am going through all the emotions everyone has described above. I have actually 'run away' from work this afternoon as i was due to be at my 12 weeks scan anyway and just couldn't face being at work. I feel like such as fake saying how good the xmas break was and could burst into tears most days, and do when I am alone. I am sure all this will pass but its so hard right now. Knowing others feel the same is strangly comforting.
I really want to start TTC very soon but worry I will become so scared and obsessed by it that it will work against me. I have one DD so feel blessed but it doesn't seem to stop all the sadness I feel.
No real advice to offer just felt the need to share.

Hi Mo, sorry to hear your news, it's so tough isn't it.

Like you I would like to start ttc soon but don't think I can take the rollercoaster of emotions, but on the other hand don't want to leave it too late. I also have a DD and don't want to wait to ling for another baby.

My bleeding seems to have stopped now so planning on going to EPU tomorrow to get scan to check everything has gone. Not looking forard to it at all. Was feeling a lot more positive yesterday but today had been grim.

Do you have to have another scan before TTC? I was not planning on going back to EPU (hope I never have to be there again), do you have to or is this your choice?

Today has been my worse days too so lets hope its upwards from here...god I hope so

No, it's only cos I haven't been at all. Knew baby had died because of a private scan but didn't start bleeding till a week later so didn't go to EPU then as knew what was happening. Was only going to confirm it was all over as when I had my first miscarriage they kept scanning me until it was complete, 3 scans in all!

Perhaps I shouldn't bother. Not sure really.

Well had scan this morning and it is complete. Guess just wait for AF now, though not sure whether to wait.

Hope this morning wasn't too hard for you. I didn't find the is-it-complete scan too bad, as unlike all the others you know there is absolutely no hope of a miracle! I don't think I'm (had erpc on 31st) going to wait for AF before trying to conceive, but equally I don't think I'll be able to pinpoint the "right" days very well this month. All the best.

I'm not sure what to do now. I wanted to be sure it was all over before starting again so did a pregnancy test and it come out as positive. I had assumed it would be negative as I have been bleeding for 2 weeks now and its just starting to stop. Is this normal? How long until its all over and everything has gone?

I just want to move on but it all seems to be taking a long time, I am so impatient, and its all a constant reminder of what's happened.

I wasn't going to wait until first period before TTC again.

Totally agree mrsfesthers, it was the easiest, if that's the right word.

mobea, from what I've read, it can take a few weeks for hcg levels to go back to normal. I bought 2 pregnancy tests yesterday but wasn't planning on using one for at least another week. Don't think I wan't to try before AF as the idea of possibly conceiving again in 2 weeks is terrifying. On the other hand 6 weeks does seem a long way, away. Whatever happens I definitely want to see a negative test before we start as would be too heartbreaking to take test, it be a positive and then get AF as wouldn't know if had been actually pregnant or not ifswim?

I think the main benefit to trying before AF is it would, for me anyway, be the least stressful month of Ttc as probably wouldn't know when/if I was ovulating and therefore would feel under less pressure.

You see! Obsessing already.

I don't think I'm going to wait for my AF either, just want to get on with it and see what happens. Although when I'm having a 'bad' day I do wonder how I could cope going through it all again - what if it happens again? Would I be strong enough right now to cope?

I think if I do get pregnant again I will be so worried and stressed. And since the mc I can't imagine the scans now putting my mind at rest! Think I'll be thinking has the baby got to 13wks has it reached 14wks etc

If there's one thing i've learnt from this awful experience it's you can't take anything for granted. Because I had my DD I just assumed that my last pregnancy would be the same and we would have another baby in July. Such a shock when it goes wrong! Still all feels a bit surreal.

On a separate note I went back to work on Friday for the first time since it happened.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, although I was in tears in the morning before I went in!

Some people were really nice and asked how i was but then there were some who spoke but didn't mention it at all. I think those ones felt really uncomfortable and just didn't know what to say to me! Think some were scared I might burst into tears if they said something. Probably not far off to be honest!

I was glad when the day was over and I only did 6hrs but that felt long enough! It was also a relief to have gone in and faced it and to have gotten it out the way.

Think it's going to be a slow journey to get back to the level I was at work as my mind can't seem to focus at the minute.

Oh lili, well done getting back to work, it must have been hard. I remember going back after my first miscarriage and my boss taking me aside to say how sorry he was and that if I needed to go home at any time I could. I almost ran straight out the building, but didn't. Hardly anyone at my work knew but having been off for 2 weeks they were asking questions. However, the first day back was definitely the worst so well done for getting through it in one piece.

I know what you mean about stressing over a new pregnancy. I had my DD after I miscarried my first and I never really relaxed unroll the 20 week scan, and even then I was anxious pretty much all the time. I think once you have had a loss like this pregnancy is different. It can't be like it would if all your pregnancies were succesful. I don't mean that to sound overly dramatic or negative, but I found that I had to accept that I would be worried pretty much the whole time and tried to get too hung up on wishing it could be more carefree.

I actually felt a bit more optimistic about this pregnancy than when I had my DD. Probably because the previous pregnancy had been successful. It didn't work out but no amount of worrying would have changed that.

Sorry am rambling and not sure if I'm being very helpful, just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through and thinking of you.

I could have written any of the last posts, its so good (if not sad) to know we are all feeling the same and going through it with others, helps.

It will be a long slow journey to get back to normal but I have to hope for the best otherwise it really will have beaten me and I would hate for that to have happened.

Feel compelled to respond to this thread as I also miscarried on the 23rd and still, as you say, feel desperately sad, angry, frustrated, lonely and yet positive and grateful all in the flash of a second. Both my heart and my head tell me this is normal. What I'm hoping for is that over time I will heal but I know already that I'll never forget - not the thrill of finally getting pregnant (it took a year), not of the changes in my body nor of the pain and blood of the miscarriage itself. What will be hardest is if I'm not pregnant again by the time of the little one's due date. I personally am OK-ish with other's babies as from having tried for so long at least now I know it's even possible for me - from my experience not being able to conceive is in some way harder. What's just saddest is the actual loss of my first child. I realise it wasn't a baby yet but all the same, it will always be my first child.

Hmmm.... sorry, this has turned into a bit of a journal entry rather than a conversation. I'm newish here you see and I think just wanted to get that off my chest and share it.

Lets all put our arms around ourselves, give us the big hug we all deserve and do our best to relax, smile and enjoy the day (it's finally sunny out after what's felt like a month of grey!). I have faith that if I can get myself back into a remotely happy, relaxed and positive outlook then falling pregnant again will be easier the second time. Frankly, the thought of it taking yet another year to even have the opportunity to try not to miscarry feels me with dread.

take care of yourselves and I do hope that next period comes soon and that you, like me can at least start trying for another baby. We'll never forget the ones we've lost, but for me, I think it's going to be the main way I pull myself out of this particular roller coaster and onto the next!

big hugs

Hi neab, sorry for your loss, it must have been devastating, especially having taken a while to conceive. However you are right to feel positive as you know you CAN get pregnant so there is no reason why you won't be again. I know what you mean about the weather, I feel much more positive today as the sun is finally shining!

Have also made decision that am going to wait for AF before ttc. Was really unsure but dtd last night without protection and today realise I am not ready for all the stress of wondering if I am pregnant yet, and then worrying if we should have waited, not knowing dates etc. I need a few more weeks to come to terms with the miscarriage I think.

yes have to be honest, I'd love to be trying again this month but there's just no way I could cope with it. This month is definitely about hugs, red wine and rest. Next month I'll go back to pee-ing on sticks!

How are you going ladies? Are you trying again? We are. No luck yet. I still think of the baby I lost everyday as I'm sure you do but I do feel a lot better than I did in December.

Thinking of you and hope all is well

Hi neab. Doing ok, though got af at weekend which really upset me. Was first af after starting again ttc and I knew it would make me feel upset again but was surprised as had been feeling so much more positive.

Just brought back all the grief of the miscarriage and the feelings of unfairness. Also made me think all over again about 1st miscarriage, which was almost 4 years ago.

Am trying to not put pressure on myself to get pregnant quickly, but can't help it. Trying to do things to take mind off it but it's difficult. Can't seem to stop my mind rushing away with me. Terrified at thought of coping with pregnancy anxiety, and am not even pregnant. Also, even thinking now this whole thing will put paid to any chance of having third baby. Not even pregnant with second, so you can see am going mad!!!

How are you dealing with it all? Do you have anyone to talk to in RL? I feel really isolated by the whole thing.

Hi, I hope you don't mind me posting, I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago. Reading your posts has made me not feel like such an oddity, as I sort of thought I should be 'over it' by now. Just every now and then it washes over me that my first pregnancy, even though it wasn't technically a baby, didn't work out.

I'm sorry to hear that it hasn't got much better for the previous two posters, I hope next month things will be different for you all

slightobsession sorry you find yourself here. If you don't mind me asking when did you m/c? Are you now ttc? If you want some support I'm actually on another thread which is 'trying to conceive after m/c' which is on the conception thread.

M/c is something I don't think you ever get over. Although I m/c in December I still think about what would have been and because so many of my friends are pg at the moment I've got a constant reminder.

peachsmuggler know what you mean about not trying to put too much pressure on yourself to conceive, I'm trying not to but just can't help it either!

neab Hope you're ok let's hope we all get a BFP soon.

I had a mc on 23rd dec 2009, it was my dh birthday, it was awful. I ended up getting pg the 2nd week in january 2010 and had a baby in october. It helped tbh that i got pg so soon after but losing my dc still upsets me. MC is awful and i pesonally found that alot of people expected me to of got over very quickly, but tbh im still sad about it.
Thinking about you x

Friday 4th February, so it wasn't that long ago really.

We aren't ttc, so it was a happy accident IYSWIM? I don't think I was any less excited about it and then any less sad when it happened, but I do think it has sort of made me feel that I shouldn't be bothered about it, if that makes sense.

I know what you mean about other people being pregnant - all of a sudden big round bellies are popping up all around me. I had a quiet little cry in a Tesco's last week and had to nip into the changing rooms to sort myself out.