Struggling to cope.

[amy74]

I had a mmc at 16 weeks at the end of August. It wasn't a planned baby but after the shock had disappeared I was so pleased.My DH and I already have 2 DD (7 and 4).
Eventually I started to more good days than bad but unfortunately I now have alot more bad days. I often find myself crying myself to sleep and when I do eventually sleep, I have awful dreams. I would love another baby but when I talked to my DH husband about it last week he has said that we should be grateful for what we have. He is also worried that we may have to go through it all again and doesn't want to put me through it-which I can understand.
I found myself putting on a brave face for xmas for my family but didn't enjoy the day as I constantly feel like I'm fighting back the tears and don't want people to worry about me.
Please has anyone got any advice how I can cope with this as it's eating me up inside and I want to feel normal again.I even have tears running down my face as I write this. What a state!!

Thank you everyone x

So sorry for your loss. x

Have you tried getting some peer support or professional help to cope with this? Even though it was an unexpected pg, a mc can still be a real shock and Christmas and other poignant times can bring up all the feelings of loss.

Try contacting your doctors and have a chat with them, to help get yourself feeling better.

Coping is a very individual thing - but you can and will cope with this in your own time. Someone told me after my last mc, which I largely tried to ignore, that I had the right to 'sopend time' with all of my children and almost gave me permission to greive for the loss. Give yourself time - you'r eallowed to feel sad/however you want to feel!

oh sweetheart
your post has made me cry
I am not surprised that you are still feeling so low - you have been through an awful lot - losing a baby is a huge loss
Christmas - which can be so stressful anyway - is a time for family and of course if you hadn't had a m/c you would be getting ready for the birth now
For me approaching the due date was far worse than the few months immediately after the m/c.
So I am not surprised you are feeling all over the place.
Be kind to yourself - take some time to yourself
Your DH's comments are understandable - men feel very redundant at times like thsi - mine did - we lost each other for a few months - but it will all come back
And the talk of trying again - if that is what you want - can still be had
Grief is not like climbing a slope - not every step is upwards - sometimes you have to take a step to the side or down again. But you will get there in the end

Hi amy74 - so sorry for your loss. This is such a hard, intensely personal thing to cope with isn't it?

I had a MC on Christmas Eve. It was my first pregnancy so this is all new to me and I've no idea what the next few months will be like or how to cope. I had a horrible Christmas too - it's so painful to be around family trying to join in the conversation when you're crying inside. I've felt much better since I got back to my own home and have been able to cry whenever I feel like it. If you feel desperately sad then that's how you feel and you don't have to fight it.

I'm very nervous about getting back to 'reality' in January - going back to work and trying to establish a 'normal' routine again.

Maybe some professional support would be good...? Did the hospital or your doctor offer you any counselling?

Thinking of you x

You poor poor darling. So so sorry to read about your very sad loss. No matter how many children you have you will never replace your angel. I too had a MC but not as far gone as you and i always think of her and wonder what might have been. I have since had another DD and some callous people thought that she would make up for what i had lost (wtf???).

What you are feeling is very normal and especially at Christmas time too. Your grief will lessen but you will never forget. I think maybe you need to get some closure, i know it helped me. I had a mini breakdown 2 years after my MC and i'm sure it was partly because i wasn't allowed to properly grieve for my angel as i fell pregnant within a few months. I wrote her a letter and really 'had it out' with my DH and DM who hadn't been that supportive at the time (they were kind but not that understanding iyswim). I had some counselling too which really helped.

It will take time to heal but don't feel guilty about having fun with your other DC either. Did they know you were pregnant? I have told my DD (now 6) about her big sister who is now a star and it helps to give a name and talk about her/him with your family not brush it under the carpet like a dirty secret like they would in days gone by (the silent generation like my mums generation).
Children are perceptive and know when you are sad and it frightens them if they don't know why. I watched a film the other month with my DD and a girl had a MC and tears were rolling down my cheeks then (as they are now) and she asked me why and i told her it reminded me about our lost baby.

Give yourself time but don't put a time limit on your grief as everyone copes differently but it does get better, it really does just believe that. x

I think it's important to grieve for as long as you need to - there's no time limit (although that's not to say it will never end).

Have you got friends or relations you can talk it through with? Although I'm very private about my emotions normally, I did find it really helped to talk about how I was feeling. (I had a mmc at 11 weeks in June.)

I would be overcome with grief just walking down the street, right through the summer. And we were ttc the whole time which kept me going as I felt the only cure for my grief was to be pregnant again. I'm not sure how wise I was in retrospect, as my first few months of my second pregnancy were incredibly stressful.

I can't make this any easier for you, it's a big shock, but hopefully you can feel that suffering like this is common, but it will get easier.

Amy so sorry to hear you are having a hard time still.

I am too. Missed miscarriage in November at 10 weeks. Went back to work just before Xmas, and have been fine, but this last week or so I am all teary and desperate again. Grieving for my little one and wondering if I will ever carry to term, or even get pregnant again.

Just feel so sad.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hi hairy - sorry to hear you're having a bad time. I feel very up and down - MC on Christmas Eve so still very raw. Sometimes I feel as though I can handle this and start to feel optimistic about the future and at other times I just feel desperately sad and can't imagine being happy again.

I also wonder whether I'll get pregnant again. This is horrible isn't it?

Take care - hope things look up for you soon x

It really is horrible, hadrian. So sorry this happened to you, and that it happened on Christmas Eve.

It does get better. I guess I'm just having a few down days right now :(

I'm kind of thinking that it's 2011 in less than 48 hours... and next year is going to be our year. Will be glad to see the back of 2010 - here's to staying positive and getting pg in 2011. xxx

Oh katherine lets hope so. x

We lost a little boy at the end of November, I was 17 Weeks.I find the expectation of others that getting back to Normal is the best thing to do, the hardest.

I suffered from Hyperemisis - it was so debilitating to family, work, our whole life, the loss feels very cruel. I have been blessed with 3 DS (8,6 & 2) they never knew I was pregnant but definately noticed the sickness and that I am now an emotional wreck and crying all the time - 6 weeks later somedays the pain and emptiness seem worse.

My DH now wants the snip as he doesn't want to see me suffer again I can't imagine going through it all again but also can't imagine not meeting the baby we expected in 2011.

Maybe ask your doctor for something to help you sleep, i find being sleep deprived makes me more emotional. Don't be too hard on yourself there's no time limit on grief

xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss bibindum - that must be so very hard at 17 weeks. I hope you're feeling OK today - I guess grieving is a long slow process. I was thinking today that if possible I'd like something positive to come out of this - maybe to become a stronger or more understanding person, or to develop a new kind of closeness with my husband - otherwise it all feels like such a tragic waste.

We were in bed by midnight last night with our fingers up to 2010. Here's hoping that 2011 will be better for us all x

Thank you everyone for all your support and lovely words. I've contacted a bereavement support counsellor so we'll see if that helps. I hope you all have a better 2011 and who knows what is around the corner.
Hadrian I completely agree with you,something good (eventually) has to come out of all of our sad losses, even if it is hard to comprehend that at the moment.It definately will be a slow process.xx

Counselling sounds like a good idea Amy, good luck and let us know how you get on xxx