Miscarriage on Christmas Eve

[cblondon]

So it's 10pm on Christmas Eve and I've no idea whether there's anyone out there but I need to write something to someone. I'm sat in bed with the laptop at my (late) Mum's house, in pain and bleeding.

I am/was 9 weeks pregnant and last weekend noticed a small amount of blood when I went to the toilet and started to experience cramps. I went for a scan on Monday and was told that the embryo had only developed to 5-6 weeks and that while there was a heartbeat it was very slow. They told me I was at a very high risk of miscarriage and that there was nothing I could do except make an appointment for another scan after Christmas.

I went home feeling pretty devastated. The cramps continued but I didn't bleed too much more for the next couple of days and so a small part of my mind had a wild hope that somehow things would be OK. I guess deep down I knew they wouldn't be and I've felt a lot of grief since Monday.

I was already pretty nervous about Christmas as my Mum died in October and I'm only really just getting over that. My husband and I had arranged to spend Christmas with my Mum's partner as otherwise he would be by himself for his first Christmas without Mum. I wasn't too keen on leaving my own home but felt it was too late to change our plans so we travelled up from London to the West Midlands this morning.

Any last hope was finally extinguished in the glorious setting of Corley services where I passed a whole load of blood and clots. Not very pleasant I can tell you. I'm now at my Mum's house and feeling pretty desperate - I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain like this. I'm scared by just how low I feel - I can't seem to control my emotions and I can't imagine ever recovering from this.

I can see from all the other posts that it gets better with time but right now I feel very alone. If anyone's reading this do send me a note if you can! I'm dreading Christmas Day - we're supposed to be going to my Dad's house to spend the day with my brother and his pregnant wife and kids. They all know what's happened and are being very sweet but I don't think I can sit around pretending that everything's OK any more. Perhaps we should just go back to the comfort of our own home...?

DH being wonderful thank goodness. Don't know what I'd do if he wasn't with me.

Sorry for such a sad post at what should be a happy time...hope Christmas is going OK for others.

Dear cb life can be so cruel. I miscarried on Monday and am still bleeding today. Like you, I was 9 weeks, but the baby was growing very slowly and had not grown past the 5-6 week mark. It was my third mc this year within 8 months and I really believed this time I would have a baby. I can imagine your devastation. It still hasn't sunk in yet that our baby is not here with us on Christmas. Bless you for having to go through with this. It is so hard. X

thinking of you and your husband today, truely terrible thing to go through at the best of times, but on christmas eve when your still grieving the loss of your mom, hope your feeling a lot stronger today, it does get easier day by day, im three months on now, still have my down days but there getting less and less now. Enjoy the rest of your christmas together as much as you can, mnetters will always be here to support you when ever you need them, theyve got me through it, these last few months and still now, whilst im ttc again. Xx take care of yourself, eat plenty of chocolate and drink plenty of baileys and wine. Xx

Just read my Christmas Eve post again and it makes me realise how much better I feel already...still very sad but the shock has worn off a bit. Makes me feel better to hear from others who understand but am so sorry to hear what you're going through.

TerrysNo2 - hope you're doing OK. What a shitty Christmas eh? Glad to hear you have lovely DS and DH and family with you.

LAF77 - life is SO cruel. I hope you survived Christmas OK. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through this twice before this year. I'm pretty scared about the thought of it happening again - not sure if/when we'll ttc again but maybe I'll feel a bit braver in time. What a crappy 2010 - I wish you all the best for 2011.

I have an appointment at the hospital on Wednesday and am wondering whether I'll need a D&C. I've feel like I've passed a lot of blood but maybe that's no indication. Anyone know how likely it is and how quickly they'll want to do it? We'd like to go away for a few days over new year but not sure whether it's worth planning anything until we've been to the hospital.

xx

Hi Hadrian, I have been through similar this month - bled for a week before I had an ERPC nearly two weeks ago. Am still bleeding (!) but feeling much perkier and human again. The booking of the ERPC and the operation itself was really helpful for me to draw a line under the pregnancy. Its such a horrible thing to happen, especially so close to Christmas. I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking about you at this difficult time. With love.

Hi Hadrian (sorry I missed the name change last time).

I am glad you are feeling better, I think that although it makes for a shitty christmas, it also has the benefit of taking our minds off it a bit, rather than being a dull week at work where you have nothing to do but think! Even wrapping presents and trawling round to visit family is a welcome distraction.

I took a PG test this am and it was -ve, I am pleased that it seems to be over so quickly but so sad as I was holding onto a glimmer of hope that I was wrong.

I hope your appointment goes well on Wednesday and that you don't need further intervention.

And I don't know about you, but I plan to have more than a few drinks on New Years Eve!!

Thinking of you also. xxx

hi hadrian, i had a miscarriage on the 23rd of Dec at 11weeks 5days....bleeding, pain - the lot. Confirmed on scan on christmas eve...when the sonographer said'there was nothing'- i was devastated at the finality of those words.I had had an earlier scan at 6 weeks which was fine.I thought i was going to be fine at almost 12 weeks.I'm 39 yrs old now and have an 8 yr old, and i don't know if i could put myself through this again!!i feel i'm to blame in some way for leaving it too late. all these yrs i thought my husband felt differently - now he wants us to try again in afew months time!just about managed to get through christmas for my dc.hope you are better..really sorry for your loss.

Hi mrsmama and thanks for the message - am so sorry for your loss too. How devastating to be so close to 12 weeks although devastating at any time I suppose. I feel like you - I don't know whether I could go through this again but this was my first pregnancy so I don't want to give up yet! I also wonder about all the things I might have done wrong and how I'd do it differently if I was pregnant again...but rationally I don't think we're to blame.

I'm going to the hospital tomorrow and I guess I'm going to hear those words too - I know it's coming but I'm still going to find it so difficult. Actually a good outcome now would be if I don't need an ERPC so perhaps 'nothing' is the best I could hope for.

Well done to us all for surviving Christmas. Drinks all round on New Year's Eve I think!

x

So sorry to hear your news - I went for 12 week scan on 8th Dec to find out baby had not developed, had D&C 2 weeks ago - every day is better than the one before, and even I found Christmas really tough this year, so I can't imagine what it's like to happen even closer to Christmas.
If you do need a D&C don't worry - it's a really simple op and you're in and out within 4 hours, but I do hope you don't need any intervention.
Please just focus on looking after yourself at the moment and ask whatever you need to on here, whatever helps you xxx

hadrian- good luck for tomorrow - and the future, whatever it holds! Physically i feel much better- human again...that awful nausea and feeling so low all the time( i'm trying to look at the positives, i guess).I had nearly posted on the `Due in july 2011'discussion..little did I know!
wellieboots- sorry to hear your news too.as you say each day is better...slowly getting there ,but I don't think I'm going to forget christmas 2010.

I'm am so sorry-life can be so cruel sometimes.Take care of yourself xx

I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I miscarried on the 20th December and had an ERPC on the 23rd of December. It was a huge shock as just 10 days earlier I had seen a little heartbeat and assumed everything would be okay. Yesterday would have been my 12 week scan and I am hoping that now I can start to move on. I am lucky in that I have a 8 month old girl who keeps me going in my worst moments.
I don't have a lot of support from family or friends and sometimes just a little message helps me so I just wanted to say that I will be thinking of you, you are not alone.