What will the miscarriage be like?

[BibiTwo]

I've had some very sad news. I had some bleeding last night and at the hospital today they told me my 16wk baby had died at 12 weeks. I have had some medication to get the "birth" started and am to go in again on Saturday for the rest. I am terrified (just one of the many, many emotions I am going through) not knowing what to expect.
When I asked the Dr what it would be like she said "worse than period pains", when I asked a midwife she said the pain would be "like labour".
In my experience there's a big gap between the two so I'm looking for some advice and hopefully reassurance about what's going to happen to me.

Thanks

Oh Bibi, I've only just seen this thread. I'm so, so sorry and really hope you are ok. I hope dh and dd1 are ok too. So sorry for your loss .

Thanks Bean.
I've just been stopped by my neighbour who asked me whose birthday it was...she'd seen a big bunch of flowers being delivered this morning from my friends at work

How are you feeling Sweetheart? Our experience and timings were very similar. Does this get any easier? I saw health visitor today to weigh dd and burst into tears as soon as I saw her. I seem fine and think I'm coping until I see a kind face or find myself heading towards the baby section somewhere then remember... then I fall apart. At night I feel horror and guilt that I've spent the day doing "normal" things like taking dd to the park and paying bills etc. During the day I can tell myself I'm keeping things as normal as possible for dd, but in bed at night all I feel is pain.

We've got a small burial arranged for Thursday morning and my baby is going into a grave with my great gran. Although I'm not a religious person, I'm finding it comforting to know he won't be alone, does that sound strange?

Sorry I am so full of questions, but no one else understands what this is like.

Bibi, it is still very early days for you. Your hormones & emotions will be all over the place for a while - you have been through a terrible experience. You can only do what gets you through each day at the moment, please don't hang any guilt on yourself for doing this.

I think it is lovely that you can put your little one with your great gran. I completely understand your reasons as he will never be on his own. At the funeral home I asked my dad to take care of my little one, as they died at about the same time, and I always feel like they are with each other. It is a huge comfort.

Hang in there Bibi. It will take time but it will get easier.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

bibiboo - please don't feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong by carrying on with life. I know from experience how heartbreaking miscarriage is, and i can still remember how how i felt those first few weeks, you feel numb, and empty and so veyr very sad. I too never thought the pain would subside, but it does get gradually easier, it has been 9 months since my first and 6 months since my 2nd, and already i feel the pain getting easier, i have good an dbad days and often something sets me off, from the tv or commenst people make without realising. Please allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to, it doesn't matter if you fall apart every ten minutes as long as you are letting the grief out, bottling it up is the worst thing you can do. It may also help to speak to someone, i found mumsnet a godsend for me, just being able to share my feelings with other people who have experienced the same.
I think that your baby being with your great gran is a wonderful idea, my first baby passed away 4 weeks after my nan, and i am sure that she is taking care of my babies for me

bibi,

Were you asking me how I am feeling? I lost our baby nearly a year ago now and I can honestly say that nearly every day now is alright. I always considered myself to be a very together person who could cope with anything, but loosing this baby was my first experience of grief and I was utterly shocked at how I fell to pieces. I never thought I'd recover as I ached inside from the feeling of loss.

It helped to get past the funeral and of course June was hard too as thats when my baby would have been born. We have chosen white roses as a tribute to our son and we had these in the funeral flowers. I also laid white roses at his resting place on the day he would have been due and I plan to visit again in January on the anniversary of the day we said goodbye to him.

You will find things that are personal to you which make it easier to bare. But there will also be times when you think your doing OK and then something knocks you for six.

My best advice to you is to take as much time as you need to get over this - there's no rule about how long it should take and it will be very personal to you.

I had lots of questions about my feelings after our loss and, although I'm not one for counselling, I found it really helped to speak to other people who had been through the same (especially when I found myslef pregnant again as this threw up lots of conflicting emotions)

My offer to chat is always open. Please feel you can CAT if you need to talk. I know how valuable an ear can be during these awful times.

It's lovely that you are having a burial and that he will be with your great Gran. I would find comfort in that too.

I think how you feel is entirely normal and you doing everything that dd needs during the day is brilliant for her, and, I hope, gives you something positive to focus on. It will feel better, but for now be gentle on yourself and just take things a day at a time. Big, big hugs to you xxxxxx

Oh Bibi, I only saw this thread today and am so sad for you. Wish I could say something helpful, but you are in my thoughts.

love from a fellow October 2004 mum xx

Bibi,

Just wanted to let you know I'm still thinking about you. I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better now.

Have you heard anything about the service for the baby?

Sorry everyone, I should have posted but have been a bit low since Thursday. We had a small burial for the baby which I felt helped a lot at the time. Just me, DH and grandparents, small, simple and just what we wanted. Since then I seem to have run out of tears, but can't motivate myself to do anything or go anywhere. I just want to lie in bed/on the sofa and do nothing.
I have a doctor's paper for another 2 weeks off work, and don't know how I feel about going back yet. Part of me thinks it would be good to return to "normal" and get myself back into a routine. The other part of me can't bear the thought of sympathetic faces and people telling me they are sorry, and sitting at my desk doing boring office sh*t all day long. I really don't know what to do for the best.
I can't face getting dressed in anything other than pjs or dh's baggy jumpers and tracky bottoms because my wardrobe is full of maternity clothes. I know I've got to snap out of it, but I just want to be left alone and in peace for a while longer.

Bibi,

I'm so glad to hear you found the burial a comfort.

Your feelings of anxiety about returning to work are perfectly normal. I went through the same thing. I made myself go back to work fairly quickly and didn't complete the amount of leave the hospital instructed me to. I felt the longer I left it the harder it would get. I rang my boss before returning to work and told him I wanted to be allowed in for a few hours only to begin with and I wanted to get back to normal as quickly as possible. He passed my wishes onto the rest of the office and when I went in everyone smiled, said they were sorry about our news and then went back to work matters.

It wasn't half as bad as I imagines and I was really glad to be doing something other than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

On the maternity clothes issue - could you get your dh to tidy these away for you. My dh did a sweep of the house for anything baby related when I got back from hospital so that I didn't have to face doing it myself. He also filled the house with things I couldn't have when pregnant - like pate and alcohol - for me to indulge in. I have to say I took it a bit far with the alcohol but once I realised I was drinking too much I made sure I cut back.

I know you probably feel like there's not much to motivate yourself for at the moment but you'll be OK once you get into the swing of things. It does get easier - I promise.

If you need anything, a shoulder to cry on or any advice you know where I am
SH xxx

Bibi, you need to take time to heal, dont rush back to work. I was off for a total of 5 weeks. I tried to go back earlier, but found I had an infection etc, and it was just too early for me. In the end most people at work who knew I was pregnant said nothing, it was for the best really as I couldnt face talking to anyone about it. I think if you need to just lay on the couch and do nothing for a while, it helps. If you can get a way for a little while. A week after it happened to me we went to Disney Land Paris ( it was already booked) It was hard physically but it really helped to get a way from it all for a while. Do you have other children.

yes bibi - just wanted to add we also went away for the weekend a few weeks afterwards. It really helped us to have some time away. We took our dd to Center Parcs for a long weekend. it was quite nice to be where no one knew what had happened to us. Almost made us feel "normal" again.

Hi Bibi,
I'm glad the burial has helped you and that you found some comfort in it. Please don't rush back to work. You will know when you are ready. Just look after yourself and take things easy. Thinking of you,

xx

Bibi, I'm so sorry your baby died, I didn't see the start of this sad thread. Going back to work is going to be hard. I work in an environment where it is "allowed" to be emotional but even so I was taken aback at how much crying I still had left in me If people said nothing, I cried. If people mentioned my baby directly, I cried. If people were just supernice and sensitive, I cried. This was two weeks after Tom's funeral and regrettably I was under some pressure from my line manager (expediency masquerading as tough love "kindness" I now realise with hindsight) which is why I went back when I did.
Don't be pressured, go back when you start to feel properly ready. I sincerely hope your GP is not making it hard for you to get certification.
I am very glad you were able to have a funeral for your son. It is harrowing to get through but a comfort long-term, I find.
My son died in utero around 20 weeks just over three years ago. The sharpness of the pain lessens with time, but it can be a hard journey. I found it so helpful to post here and I hope it helps you too. There are too many of us on here who have had this heartbreak I fear

Hi Bibi - think sweetheart says some excellent things and I agree totally. Just wanted to add that I dreaded going back to work and the fact it was going to be facing "normal" life and I was going to have to be at work for the foreseeable future - not just another couple of months. But, it really wasn't as bad as I thought - everyone was lovely, said they were so sorry, talked if I wanted to, but got me back into the swing of things. To be honest, it was good to go back. You have to face normal life at some point, but it needs to be when you're ready. BUT I did try to go in for one day about a week and a half after (what was I thinking) and got as far as the car park and was sobbing. Far too soon.

The maternity clothes thing. I washed them and packed them all away. And then went shopping for some treats. We went on hol about 5 weeks after (dh was going away on business so we went too) and that was good but I got v.upset as I was still carrying baby weight but with no baby to justify it.

You'll find many things will make you feel like you're back to square one - getting your period, key dates, someone asking you when you're planning baby number 2 etc. You're not back to square one but it does knock you for six.

I also never thought I could get over it but it really does get easier to cope with. I find myself sometimes now obsessing about what if something happened to dd. Sometimes think I should talk to someone like SANDS as I'm sure this is a normal consequence of a bereavement - makes you realise how fragile life is.

8 months on, I still think about my baby, can still cry about losing him, still dream about the whole experience, can easily weep everytime I hear Coldplay "Fix You" (it's the "when you lose something you can't replace" bit that does it), but 99% of the time I am my normal self and looking forward to getting pregnant again.

I know it is just so hard to see how you can move on from where you are. Likewise, if you want to contact me directly to talk, you can always CAT me.

Thinking of you xxx

So sorry to hear your news Bibitwo. (Rickman)