this may turn in to a rant....

[broccolitrees]

but does anyone else think that it is NO consolation at all when people tell you "well at least you can conceive" after you have had a miscarriage?? we all have struggles, and we all have different reactions, but "at least you can conceive"? how is that helpful, through the grief. great, i'll get pregnant and likely lose it again!
i know that non-conception is incredibly painful, as my babies have taken a very long time to conceive, but i have lost 3 out 4 pregnancies for definite and it is likely that i have had another 4 very early losses. i wish people would think before they offer platitudes.

And just when you think you ve cracked it after 3 MCs you go on to have a sucessful pregnancy that ends in a stillborn dd at 41 weeks!!!! Life is a big shitter!!!

At least people try, in a blundering, desparate manner, to say something. I'd rather they said something than nothing, and most people have no experience, no training, and no idea what to say. In fact after 8 mc's I'm not sure I'd know what to say, either.

My experience has been that nurses are worst (and I'm sure there are wonderful, sensitive, well-trained nurses out there) and the worst of those was one who bustled off after I burst into tears at one appointment or another - and came back with a sticker with a big cartoon tear on it, to stick, as she explained, on my notes, so the medico's would know I was 'a bit sensitive'.

I couldn't help but cringe at this thread, as I imagine I may have said this myself on more than one occasion, for which I can only apologise. The truth is that, when in the throes of infertility, the knowledge that you absolutely can't get pregnant can send you into such lunacy, that even those who have suffered several losses can begin to strike you as potentially more fortunate because they have a chance, however small. I know that sounds like a hideous thing to say and I now feel that not being able to conceive has to be infinitely better in some respects than recurrent losses, but neither situation is exactly peachy is it?

I can only add that we will all say the wrong thing at some point because, even if we've been there and can empathise, we cannot resolve our own or our friends' problems with recurrent losses or infertility. It's the helplessness with it all - and the fact that there is no one to blame - which makes it such a horrible experience for some of us. I don't wish these problems on anyone, but can't help but continue to feel a little bitter about the fact that some people pop babies out all over the place, while so many endure so much grief.

My cousin and his partner had their 20-week scan today and were told that their baby had stopped developing at 13 weeks. This is their 3rd loss in 2 years, their last pregnancy loss was the same day last year. I had to bite mt lip to stop from coming out with some platitude as you just want to say something - anything - especially over the phone.

i know hairy i was agreeing with you (believe it or not), it just turned into a bit of a rant again at the thought of great news amidst the crap. as i was typing, i thought i was backing you up, but i realise reading it back it may have looked like grousing at you, rather than grousing in general - sorry

Thank you for letting me know that I'm NOT being unreasonable when I think that "at least you know you can conceive" is not helpful! I have had 2 mc in the past 6 months (no children as yet) and a number of friends have kids and are pregnant. Quite a lot of people have said this about conceiving - I understand that they don't realise how unhelpful it is but it is really aggravating. Nice to know I'm most definitely not alone.

Great idea for a thread.