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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

DW had an erpc yesterday

8 replies

chippy47 · 08/12/2010 10:44

Found out on Monday at the 12week scan. Pregnancy had not developed beyond 9 weeks.
Not sure what I am asking really. Anyone have any words of wisdom from either a DH or DP perspective?
Afraid have not had time to trawl the site and topics related to this- too much to actually wade through at this stage.
DP is home and comfortable but realise she is going to have a much harder time with this than myself. New territory for both of us and am pretty clueless about what to do,say or think.
Thanks in advance

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hairyfairylights · 08/12/2010 11:05

So sorry - you sound like a lovely man. This happened to me and DP very recently - I had my erpc two weeks ago.

Be prepared for her to be quite weepy, after her loss. It is different for women, I think as our hormones also come into play.

Just give her lots of love and attention if she needs, listen when she wants to talk and let her know you are there for her.

And don't forget to talk about your feelings too - sharing and comforting each other at this time is very important.

Give yourselves plenty of time, and if she is able to take time off work, even though they say after ERPC you can go back after two days, she will be grieving her loss, so may not be ready emotionally.

Best of luck getting through this sad time, and know that there are lots of us here who have gone through the same and can support you here.

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cotswolder · 08/12/2010 11:09

Very sorry for both of you. I have had two and didn't want to not answer you. You sound lovely and very good support for your DW but also important you look after yourself!

Best advice I can give is to keep talking to each other, give yourselves space and do plan some nice things together over the next week or so - or when she thinks she may be ready. Can be watching a silly film, doing christmas stuff etc. The person I needed the most at that time for a couple of days was my DH and just having him there was great

Her hormones will be up and down quite alot for a week or two which will affect how she feels and I imagine christmas may be fairly hard. Hormones will start to settle down in a week or so which will help her. One minute I was really tearful, the next wanting to get on and do something else. Different people really do deal with it in different ways so go with the flow to some degree. Perhaps to much info for you but physically she will keep bleeding for a week or so which can continue to be hard - I was a bit better when that finished!

I know there are some great threads on here in the miscarriage section and they are worth a read, perhaps by both of you together which we did. There is also the miscarriage association (think hospital may give you details? if not then they are online) who can give you support (via phone as well).

Best of luck to you both. She will feel like moving on at some point (and you!) but you will need to talk to her about that. My DH moved on alot quicker than me and I found it quite hurtful in the first week to hear about trying again and there is a future....... but I admit now it did help getting me to look beyond the now.

Only you know your DW and how she is feeling. Best of luck for the future.

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Scaredsandy · 08/12/2010 11:54

So sorry for both of you, I had one just yesterday and I just feel really empty now. You sound lovely, all I can advise you is to be patient as she may continue grieving for longer... Apart from it happening to our own body, there's often guilt that somehow it's our fault. I keep telling my dh that I didn't nurture our baby as I should have and maybe unintentionally brough it on.
Wish you both a lot of courage and may hope return soon. You're so lucky to have eachother.

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chippy47 · 08/12/2010 14:36

Thanks everybody. And sorry to hear about your own experiences. It is much more common than I realised. We have had to tell a few people and most have their own sad stories or at least know someone close to them who has experienced it.
Going one day at a time at the moment. We have 2 ds so until the evening the daily routine is still there to be tackled.
I will check out the threads in this section and have a look online as suggested.

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Igglystuffedfullofturkey · 08/12/2010 14:36

I had one a couple of weeks ago. I feel ok but every now and then I get upset over random things - I think it's the hormones.
Also as others have said, share your hurt and upset so your DP knows you care.

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prettybirdinapeartree · 08/12/2010 14:44

You've already had the same advice i was given after my first MMC (I've had two :(): but I'll repeat it anyway, as I found it really helpful.

I was told to remember to be nice to myslef and that I would go through lots of conflicitng emotions because my hormones would be all of over the place.

SO be nice to your DW - and understadn that there might be times when she feels weepy, snappy, angry and/or not in control - and that none of it is personal. Her feelings will not necessarily be logical - but they are no less real for all that.

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hairyfairylights · 08/12/2010 15:41

" We have had to tell a few people and most have their own sad stories or at least know someone close to them who has experienced it."

This is my experience too - so much more common that I had realised - and so many people who now have (or already had) children that this has happened to, and I had no idea. It was so comforting to know that I was not alone and I was not a freak.

"My DH moved on alot quicker than me and I found it quite hurtful in the first week to hear about trying again and there is a future...."

again, me too. Last week, I couldn't bear the thought - this week, we are back to trying and I am feeling much more positive.

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MrsHarry · 21/12/2010 18:11

Chippy, I've posted this in reply to your post in 'Dadsnet' but now I've read so many other replies here wanted to add to them.

I'm so sorry to hear about yours and everyone else's experiences. This is exactly what happened to me 4 yrs ago, my pregnancy hadn't developed but we didn't find out until the 12 week scan, then I went back to hosp for erpc the next day.

The worst for me (and I think for DH too) was that I had no indication at all and was looking fwd to going home from the scan with pics of our baby. And also, until that point, I had felt really pregnant - sick, incredibly tired. The docs said this was because I still had all the pregnancy hormones. I felt really cheated!

It was my first pregnancy and we'd both been so excited. At home we hugged a lot, had two days completely on our own before we saw people and talked so we both knew how we felt. It might not help you now but it is extremely common.

And if it's any consolation, I gave myself 2 months before trying again and I got pregnant straight away. Our gorgeous DD is 6 mths younger than our first baby would have been.

It's been a couple of weeks now so I hope your DP has recovered from the operation and is starting to feel a bit better overall. Just make sure you keep talking to each other....but lots of wordless hugs sometimes all that's needed!

Take care of each other....and good luck for the future.

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