Not coping - everyone annoyed

[kitkey]

I have been told by DH that I am not coping with the mmc that happened last week 16/11/10. He found a newborn vest that my DS1 and DS2 both wore under my pillow - i just had it there for comfort and hope - that maybe I will dress a new born in it again. He is annoyed with me.

My mum isn't talking to me - we have a difficult relationship anyway but since the start of this mc she has not been nice to me - doesn't understand why i want a third child - told me not to ttc again after I rang to say the ERPC was done like that was the solution to everything. On Tuesday i took my boys to see her - an hours drive away. When I arrived she didn't mention the mc, just started going on about he many ailments. Then DS2 wanted to show her a book but DS1 pushed him and sat on her lap first - she then started going on about how sorry she felt for DS2 being pushed around all the time and left out - (he actually and always has got the most attention from me and DH) this rant was to illustrate he lack of desire for me to have a DC3. After a few hours of not being asked how I was I just packed the kids up and left. I got 5 mins down the road and exploded into an angry/sad flood of tears and called her from my mobile explaining how i was upset that she didn't ask me how i was - she started crying saying i didn't ask her how she was and making excuses for the comments she made - I hung up- no word from her or my sister since. Angry with both of them anyway as they have been going on about ERPCs harming future fertility

So what i have done is alienated everyone through my grief and am now alone in it, grieving for my lost baby, worrying about my future fertility and not coping. Maybe I am over reacting to the miscarriage and should just be getting on with life but I want to talk about it and no one else does.

Your DH is 'annoyed' with you? I'm furious on your behalf at him saying that. That is really not OK. He should be supporting you. Is he often unfeeling?

It's not up to your mother how many children you have. Ignore her she is being offensive.

There is a very slim chance that an ERPC may damage future fertility, so again ignore your mother and sister in this respect.

Good grief you lost a bay a WEEK ago and people expect you to be over it already? My last mc was May/June and I still have weepy times over it now.

You are NOT over reacting. If no-one will talk to you contact the Miscarriage Association or talk to us on here. Your family is treating you terribly when they should be showing you love and support.

They are all horrible. How far along were you?

Thanks ladies. I was 8 weeks and spotting a bit so had scan but baby was measuring 6 +2 weeks with slow heart beat on Fri 12 and on Tues 16 -no heartbeat. ERPC on 17th and today feeling the worst - maybe because I just did a hpt like a nutter an it was a dark positive. DH just want me to be jolly and happy, getting ready for xmas and I have had texts from his brother saying I have just got to "pick myself up" from one of life's "unfortunate event" Last Friday DH went to work and it was my first day on my own all day with the kids (on thurs they went to nursery as I usually work on thurs) and he went out after work(arranged for a while) but didn't ring all day or evening so we didn't speak until he came in at 1am - 2 days after the mc. We argued about this but I lost I think. My mum has always been mean to me but this is the limit- we may not speak again as i am not ringing her and I know she won't say sorry to me.

I don't mean we didn't speak until 2 days after mc, just that he didn't care how i might be feeling 2 days after the mc to ring from work/ on the way to the pub!

Oh you poor thing , sorry to hear about your mc. Your DH may possibly be annoyed because he is finding it hard to deal with also, I would go as far as to say my DH was an arse at times after I mc'd but when we have talked about it since it was because he hated to see me hurting and didn't know how to deal with it. Nothing people say can make it better but a bit of support from those you love can make it easier.

As for ERPC affecting your future fertility, the chances are slim. I have had 2 due to mmc and have fallen pg after them.

I don't know what to say about your Mum other than that her behaviour is awful.

If you need to talk then there are some great threads on here where the ladies are so supportive as they all know what you are going through. I found MN a true lifeline when people around me in RL didn't want to talk.

Lastly, look after yourself, hug your boys, be grateful for what you have and look forward to your future where there's every chance you'll have another newborn to wear the vest x

I can't believe how insensitive your mother and DH have been!

You need to let yourself grieve before moving on and I'm so sorry that the people who you should be able to turn to aren't helping.

Do you have supportive friends nearby?

Big hugs xx

Thank you all - I have some great friends that are sympathetic - one friend has been amazing - I went to her house on Monday and her husband was there and even he said - "I'm sorry you lost your baby, but next time for sure eh" Honestly that is so much better than nothing. 'Another friend rings every day to see how I am so I don't need my awful family - it just makes me feel disappointed that they are so selfish. Maybe DH doesn't know how to act - he always want to make things better and I think he is annoyed that he can't make this better for us right now.

Gosh Kitkey you sound like you have a very insensitive DH and Mother, I'm so very, very sorry to hear this.

I also had a MMC and had the ERPC on Monday. It's very , very early days and you must be able to express your grief - and have sympathy - whenever you need to .

It's definately been different grief wise for me and my DP. He was very very upset at the loss initially but has been very strong lately and there for me - I have felt like a mad woman who wants to throw herself to the ground and wail for her baby, so I thin it must be different for the woman who was carrying the baby than for their partner.

I wonder if there is any way to explain to your DH how you feel, and that it is not rational, it is true grief, and that he needs to be strong and supportive for you?

I wish you well x

and ERPC causing ill effects for future pregnancy is nonsense. I have it from the consultant that it is fine to try straight away, and if the ERPC is done properly and there are no side effects, then there is no reason it should have any ill effects!

kitkey look after yourself and surround yourself with people who care for you. Loosing a baby is an awful experience to endure. I lost two, both at 12 weeks and I felt like my life had shattered, esp with the first.

Don't spend your energy fighting with those who don't understand, try to loose yourself in your two lovely children and speak to those friends who do understand. Also try to speak to your DH about how awful it is for all of you.

Very best of luck, you'll get though this. Thinking of you

Oh kitkey I am so sorry for what you are going through. I felt very tearful reading your post. Not only are you dealing with losing your baby only a week ago, but you sound as if you have no support. I am so very sorry. You are NOT over-reacting. A week is not enough time to recover physically, and certainly not mentally. We lost our dd on 17th September at 14 weeks and I still cry and get very upset. It is something we will never fully get over, and there certainly shouldn't be a time limit placed on you. Could it be that your husband is trying to hide his grief by being hurtful and lashing out at you because you are closest to him? I know my husband was absolutely vile to me a few weeks ago and I had to walk out for a night and stay with a friend. When we talked about it he said that it had hit him like a train that day that he had lost his daughter and he was so angry that he verbally lashed the person closest to him. It was awful but he apologised immediately I came back. We were just too emotionally involved to be objective on that day.

As for your Mum.... it certainly is not up to her to tell you what you can and can't do. I am so sorry that she didn't support you. It sounds like she has some issues of her own? (Sorry if I am being presumptious and insensitive). I know some of my friends (who don't have children) have all said that they don't understand why we don't just stop at our DS (who's 3)as he is lovely and "you have one already, why out yourself through another pregnancy". They just don't understand the desire to have another child and the ache we feel because we have lost our dear babies. I know they mean well, but they don't "get it". It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your Mum already? Is there any chance she is worried about the affect another pregnancy would have on you and is just incapable of expressing herself? I'm trying to be nice but I don't know whether I am saying the right things at all and certainly don't want to upset you further. When you feel ready to TTC again then you go for it!

Your friends sound wonderfully supportive. Have you been offered any counselling? This could really help if you have a good GP to talk to? You need time to heal and grieve so be kind to yourself. You are not in the wrong to feel this way and shouldn't be made to feel like you are, and it sounds like you are surrounded by insensitive souls sometimes. I really hope you start to feel better soon and know MN has been a wonderful support to me. (Wine has helped too!)Please accept a big hug, and keep talking here. xxxxxxxxx

Ladies - I'm so so sorry for your losses - I'm sorry we all find ourselves on these threads rather than the pregnancy but hopefully one day we will be on the pregnancy topics again. leosmummy you are not being presumptious or insensitive at all. My mum has tons of issues as does my whole family - when we were young my mum had a long battle with cancer but has been in remissions for 20 years now and my dad committed suicide 10 years ago - maybe they feel they don't want anymore grief in the family but my sister had a mc last year (she now has a 3 mth DS) and it went on for weeks as she did expectant management - all I heard from my mum was how sorry she felt for my sister and how worried she was about her. I bought my sister some flowers and chocolates when i saw her after and talked to her loads about it. I really don't know what has got into my sister and why she is siding with my mum over our disagreement - she told me not to have an ERPC but I did so not sure if that is the problem - that I didn't do it her way. I feel like I can't move on until I can ttc again so that is what I feel need to do to get some control of the situation. They say I'm young I should wait - I'm 30 so not a spring chicken. I think my Mum hates small age gaps and I have 17mths between my first 2 and there would have been 26 mths between the lost bean and my DS2

DH is another kettle of fish - I think he is burying his head in the sand and not thinking of the pregnancy as a baby so not getting himself upset about.

It's the disappointment factor that gets me - all the ideas and visions you have of the future about your pregnancy and life with your new baby snatched away from you in an instant.

To add insult to injury my boss (male) at work is very anti maternity leave as I am a nurse so a lot of women = a lot of mat leave to find cover for. I wasn't going to tell him about the mc in case he wishes and thinks bad of me to taint any future pregnancy but i ended up emailing him after a few e-mail he sent me implied he was curious about my time off- he was very sympathetic actually but i still wish i hadn't told him

What a lot of waffle - I'm sorry. Thanks all for listening

kitkey don't beat yourself up about telling your boss - I didn't tell anyone at work what was wrong when I miscarried in the spring for similar reasons - but this time I told everyone by email straight away - I felt it took a burden off me to do so - it was all out in the open, and everyone knew the reason, so it was easier on me.

My hubby lashed out verbally at me after the first MC at one point - told me "I've had three weeks of you being miserable - you need to pull yourself together and deal with it." He feels really dreadful he said it - it was utter despair, him not coping either coupled with him trying some tough love or something or other.

One thing I realise is that if we think WE'RE shit at dealing with it all - blokes can quite often be shitter!

Incidentally I lost another (pair) shortly after, and hubby has been fantastic. My mother... no help whatsover - but she's never been a fluffy lovey type mum.

And yep its the whole disappointment/"Oh so you thought you were going to be a mummy - hah hah fooled you!" aspect that's incredibly fucking cruel (hopefully that way of describing it doesn't cause offence) - feels like you're some unwitting victim in nature's version of Jeremy Beadle or something. I try to explain to people that, despite what they might think about "lumps of cells" or whatever - that it's grief for lost hopes and dreams, mental visions of decorating a nursery and your entire future as well as the immediate loss - don't think people get it unless they've walked that path, and most just mentally shut down as that horrid thing they'd rather not have to think about.

Dear kitkey,
I have only been able to read part of your story as for me it feels too painful to read in full. I would like to let you know a little of my story and how i have learned to cope. For numerous reasons i chose to distance myself from my mother over a period of years. Since a child i had always found my relationship with her an intense and painful one (young divorce, single parent, her own unresolved issues). As a young adult i would be constantly be feeling rejected or not good enough for her. I chose to see a therapist to try to figure some of it out. For a long time i was very angry with her but unable to find a way of coping with that. Through the very challenging and much longer than i expected therapeutic process i learnt how i could manage my own feelings better and change my own behaviour. It is kinda hard to summarise it though! My Mum in my view is still a freak, who when i went to stay with her to recover from my MC told me not to dwell on it! But i am able to know that my Mum doesn't know how else to be with me. She is self centred, controlling and frightened of things she doesn't understand. i do however know that she does love me even though she struggles to know how to show it.
I hope that in reading this it may bring a little hope for your relationship with your Mum for the future.
My thoughts are with you. X