Feeling bitter and jealous....help :(

[emmad74]

Really need some moral support. Had fourth mc three weeks ago, and on Monday my brother's girlfriend gave birth on my due date from the 3rd mc (what are the chances eh?!).
Of course I'm pleased for them, but they only started trying in Jan and now they have a baby....it's now nearly 2 years since we started trying (I already have a 8 yr old son from previous relationship). I hate myself for feeling so jealous and bitter, I should be happy that I'm an aunt for the first time but I can't even bring myself to visit them and meet the baby. My family (well my mum and dad) have basically told me to pull myself together, life goes on, stop being selfish etc.... not particularly constructive.

Just need some understanding and reassurance that I'm not a bitter selfish old hag....!

oh - I think what you are feeling is only natural and FWIW your mum and dad are being awful.

How is your relationship with your brother? Could you talk to him openly about how you feel. I have been in the same situation myself and it really is horrible because you feel like you should be so happy for them but it's just too hard to deal with, specially when you feel like they may be worried about you too. I think in situations like this no one can do right for doing wrong and if you can it's better to get things out in the open.

So sorry about your miscarriages :( You are still recovering and people should realise that, most of all your mum and dad.

You are definitely not being selfish - feeling angry like this is all part of the grieving process and only natural. It feels horrible to feel that way, but it will get better if you give yourself some time to come to terms with everything.

As DF says, if you could talk to your brother and tell him that you are happy for them but it's just hard for you to deal with I'm sure that he would understand...you have a lifetime to be a great aunty, it won't hurt if you delay the start of that until you feel ready.

Thank you, so good to hear that it's normal. It's so hard when no one knows what you're going through and just expects you to bounce back.

I guess I should talk to my brother and explain, but we're not close and tbh we're not a 'talk about your feelings' kinda family. I only saw them twice whilst she was pg as I just couldn't bear it. HATE feeling so resentful, even down to not liking the name they've chosen etc. but only really cos I should be naming MY new baby.

Families eh? Think I won't tell them if I mc again cos I just can't bear the whole never mind, just wasn't meant to be, next time platitudes.....

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it is actually unreasonable for your family to expect you to be so ok with it! I can totally see where you are coming from and would feel the same as you - it's natural and normal. What you have been through is a very difficult thing. Don't worry too much - they won't resent you for it as I am sure on some level they understand. And over time, you will I'm sure be ready to be exposed to them in due course. But take things at your own pace - you need to look after yourself and I am sure they'll be getting attention so won't be reliant on your response. Take care of yourself honey xxx

its terrible and i kind of understand what your going through.

I had my first mmc 9 weeks ago and i was 13 weeks, my SIL is pg three weeks in front of me and god has it been difficult, for not only me but all my family too.

The saturday after i miscarried (thursday) she announced on FB that she had just felt the baby kick!! i lost it... (to put i mild)

My parents have really struggled with her pg and me losing mine, they are reluctant to get excited, buy anything, discuss it as they are still feeling the pain and the loss of mine.

My DH is struggeling too, his so jealous its bitter too, and im stuck in the middle, ive now come to terms with whats happened to me and want to feel excited about my new neice but its hard without the support of my family and DH.

Because there feeling guilty and jealous im made to feel like the bad guy!!

its really hard, but ( weeks on its getting easier) and time is a great healer, i keep telling myself my time will come, and that realy helps.

you will get through this, keep the faith. x

You know, I don't think you should talk to him if you don't want to even though that was my advice. I think it's fine to hold back a bit. Could you send a card and just let them know that you are thinking of them but you need some space and time?

MrsB33...that's so sad. So sorry for you, my first was a missed mc, think they're the worst cos your body doesn't even do what it should.

As for Facebook, I seriously considered coming off it as every day sil had pregnancy updates and pictures....although in a twisted way I always made myself look at them, just to twist the knife in I s'pose.
Now it's all about the congratulations and my family's excitement...which it should be, it's their first child. I think my parents think that if they talk about it loads and get my son really excited about it, it will help me 'get over it'....it's not. It just makes me want to move and not have to talk to my family!
I know this will pass, but their son will be a constant reminder of my loss.

9 weeks on the baby updats still wind me up, "midwife appointment today, baby heart beat strong and fast" why????????????????

Like i said time is a healer and you will get through this, just difficult when its family that your surrounded with that are pg.

on a slightly lighter note, my friend ho had three mc's in a year found out she was pg two weeks after me, she neally 20 weeks now, i coudlnt be happier for her...

my time will come, and so will yours. x

What a difficult time for you, I had a mc and soon after a friend of mine announced a baby on the way. I found it incredibly hard to be pleased for them and felt very jealous, but I was able to keep my distance (without it being rude) and get on with my life.
But your parents are being incredibly tactless, but then again many people are when it comes to miscarriages - especially if they have never experienced it themselves.
It will pass, but the experience does stay with you.
Good luck for the future though - I have a DD aged 3 now.

Thank you all x It's really comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I can only hope that one day I get a take-home baby that will lesson the pain of the previous mcs. Think I'm going to keep a low profile with the family for a while until I'm ready to see the baby....and I'm definately not going to beat myself up over it all any more. I can't change my feelings and as long as I can recognise them and know that time will heal then it'll all be ok. Hmmm....almost convincing!

It's shit, and you're completely normal. SIL is pregnant and due about 2 weeks before my due date would have been and I hate her. Literally it's pure hate and rage and anger and jealousy and me screaming inside that she's such a fucking lucky cow that life falls perfectly for her and it should have been me.

Of course you can't say any of this stuff - so I'm just mentally bracing myself for April and considering hibernation until about 2021.

If the family have problems with you grieving - stand your ground, you've been to hell and back and you're human and fully entitled to hurt like hell! Bollocks to how it makes them feel - they can go coo over the baby and leave you to it.

Life's just unfair - it just is. Desperately unfair.

well done empty, youve just said exactly whats in my head but havent got the guts to say or even write!! Lol x

Omg empty....exactly how I feel. Everything was so easy for her - decide to try for a baby, pregnant straight away, no probs, easy quick birth etc.

Can't even say those things to my partner - he keeps being all damn reasonable about it all. I know it's not her fault, but it's just not fair (stamps foot).

Now my cousin's missus has just had their second and my other cousin's wife is pg again.....so it's just me in the family that's defective then :(

Thing is, jealousy and bitterness are such wasted negative emotions that drag you down even further, but it's so hard to see a point where I won't feel like that, until I have a baby.

Dear Emmad74 you are not alone.
I have felt the same way as you and have never ever told anyone about it.
I lost my daughter in August at 17 weeks just days after my SIL had a baby.
My DH's parents literally ignored what we had been through and threw a party to celebrate their first grandchild.
I wasn't asking for them to wear sackcloths and ashes but it would have been nice if they even came to visit us just once and they didn't.
A further three people in our social circles have all had babies withing a month of our miscarriage and I am very jealous.
After returning to work after 12 weeks off, it was a troubled pregnancy, I find out a colleague is pregnant.
I am trying not to become bitter but I think my chances of having anotehr baby are literally zero as I'm nearly 39 and I am riddled with fibroids.
I just keep trying to be positive about it but it's difficult.

No you are not alone and I think it is important to recognise these very raw feelings. But as you crucially say jealously and bitterness are wasted and negative and drag us even further.

I say this sadly as an old hand, in real life a whole legion of babies have been born whilst I have lose mine. In virtual life a dozen babies have helped heal some of the pain.

I think it truly takes the whole 9 months and draging yourself through the edd to begin to heal enough to even begin to attempt to paper over the cracks.

When I lost my dad recently I found that members of my extended family who had brushed my mcs under the carpet tried to do that with the loss of my dad. It helped me to understand that basically some/ alot of people are just shit at dealing with bereavement. Add in a sil with a pfb and as dueling says no one can do right for wrong.

lolly you still have time, have you been to see your dr re the fibroids?