Best friend just discovered baby has died - 21 weeks

[eastendmummy]

She called me this morning saying no movements since Saturday. Urged her to go to the hospital where monitoring showed no heartbeat . She has been operated on this afternoon.

A friend took her maternity notes and a change of clothes to her, and said that she looked OK. Shrugged her shoulders and was very calm. Her DH on the other hand was extremely upset.

I'm worried about her reaction. Is it normal? Is she in shock? She is someone that generally puts other people's feelings ahead of her own, and I'm so worried that she's going to do this as she's worrying about her DH.

She's had some work stuff couriered to me to pass on to her, which I just think is mad, but then it's not happening to me so I just don't know what to do for the best.

What can I do on a practical and emotional level? I have 2 DSs aged 2.9 and 7 months and I'm worried how she'll cope with seeing them (we live very close to each other).

Any advice on what I can do during this really difficult time would be very appreciated.

It sounds like she's in shock. My DH was very upset straightaway when we lost our baby. It took me days to even get my head around the fact that I had lost the baby. By the time I started sobbing and crying he wasn't anymore. Give her time.

There's a thread on here at the moment "Late mc at 20 ish weeks - need to share my story" where a few of us in this situation are sharing our situations/feelings in the immediate aftermath. Maybe have a look so it might give you a bit of an idea as to how she may react in the coming days and weeks?

Let her know you're thinking of her and there when she's ready to see you. Talk to her about what's happened, don't ignore it. Hope you're ok you sound very shocked too.

Thanks so much for your reply spilttheteaagain, I'm really sorry to hear that you've had the same experience - I had just come across that thread that you mentioned and it was really informative if very tough reading.

I just can't understand why this would happen to such a healthy mother with a baby that had been described as 'perfect' by the sonographer only 1 week ago.

That's one of the hardest parts - the total senseless waste of it all

i think let her take the lead, if shes asked for work stuff it could be her way of coping, maybe she feels she needs to be busy. On a practical note, maybe making sure they have shoppping when she gets home, hot meals and just be there ready when she wants to talk.

She's ubdoubtedly in shock. Took about 5 days for it to properly sink in with me. Was wandering around IKEA 2 days afterwards,and bedridden with grief 5 days afterwards.

Also I doubt she will have been operated on. People assume the baby is somehow magicked away. At 21 weeks she will most likely have had to have a labour and give birth to a dead baby.

It's a personal soap box but I really wish people realised this.

She will probably need support in a week or so - or maybe like me she prefers to grieve alone. And probably - I can only say probably - not be bothered by your DCs. After all they're not her babies they're yours and theyr'e not the one she's lost. But if you were pg that might be a different story.

Good luck - it's very hard to know what to do - I find talking and talking about it the best way and would (and still do 6 months ater) tell everyone and anyone about it. Over and over again. So just a listening ear.

Oha nd if you can remember her due date when it comes around - maybe flowers or a card or somethig then. I was due this week and had a text from a friend this morning and it really made a difference.

Thanks Peanuthead. I was sure she had to go through labour and our friend got his facts wrong. She is currently in labour . I will just be there as much as I can for them both and hope that I can support them as and when they need it.

So sorry that you have also experienced a loss, I'm glad hour friends are supporting you.

You sound like a lovely friend.