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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

I don't think I'm strong enough to do this anymore

26 replies

emptyshell · 29/10/2010 22:59

Infertilty for 3.5 years. Then got pregnant - all our hopes and dreams wrapped up in that one little pink line... lost it as quickly as it had come.

Got pregnant again 3 months later... missed miscarriage at 7.5 weeks... it died at 5 weeks - finally got the MMC confirmed at about 9 weeks (hospital had wanted to make sure).

I've piled on the weight I'd lost to concieve over the time in limbo over the MMC - so have that battle to fight again. I don't know if I can do this. Begged the GP for some help the other day - can't sleep, am borderline agoraphobic to avoid babies and pregnant mums... sister in law is pregnant and due just before due date number 2... due date number 1 is looming and will overshadow Xmas... SIL due about 2 weeks before I would have been due with the second loss - and OH's family are very close so it'll be inescapable.

So angry, so jealous, so much rage. Not sleeping, not functioning - GP won't help because I'm still trying to concieve (have to lose more so the recurrent miscarriage bods can watch us lose them and work out what's going on). I don't think I have the strength to keep going in life, don't have the strength to give up and be childless (too much rage and anger)... want to throw myself off the bridge over the M1 I drive along most days. Am at utter breaking point - was a baby on the bus today going to collect my car from the garage and I sat there with tears rolling down my face. Haven't even had a period since the D+C so can't move forward from that... drink wine to try to get to sleep, try to hide myself in video games... they ripped my heart and soul from me when they took my dead babies.

What can I do? GP won't help with the depression unless I have a coil fitted - feel I'm being punished for miscarrying and keeping trying rather than accepting my fate. No alternative GPs - not an option at all. Perhaps if I did end it all they'd understand just how much I've cried out for help - but I don't think he'd even feel guilty then.

I can't cope anymore - I'm strong, we're strong, what we've had this year would have destroyed many relationships - but I'm living to keep on trying and just for the sake of other people. I don't think that's a good reason really - but my life is empty.

OP posts:
bethylou · 29/10/2010 23:03

God, I'm so incredibly sorry for what you are trying to live through. I can't possibly understand how you are feeling, but I couldn't go to bed without replying and hoping that the lovely people on here who can really give you support will be along shortly.

You've definitely given 2 good reasons to keep on going - keep thinking of them until you get the support you need so that you live because you want to again. I hope that happens soon.

Lots of love. x

bethylou · 29/10/2010 23:08

Bumping for you on my way to bed.

Brokenbits · 30/10/2010 00:32

emptyshell I've bumped into you on other threads before and I cannot reiterate enough how sorry I am. I completely empathise with the 'I can't do this anymore' feeling, although I know you'll agree that to give up is not really an option. This is now what we are here for and I feel your grief so keenly. Hugs. We have no choice but to pick up whatever strength is left and keep going.

I count myself incredibly lucky to have my DS. This may sound mean (it's not meant to) but I actually feel worse now that I have a baby and can't give him a friend. The gap is getting bigger and bigger and I hate the fact that I can't give him a playmate. I've lost count of the amount of people who tell me to feel lucky to have one child. I could kill some of them quite frankly. I am well aware of this privilege but, I feel more pressure to have another child now that I have one lonely one. My miscarriage rendered me so broken that I can't conceive a year down the line. I've been trying for 2 years in total but I can't imagine the pain of 3.5. I'm so sorry.

The real cruelty is not being able to have antidepressants for fear that you might conceive, but I understand the inability to sleep and function. It's hideous, but it won't be the case forever. I also understand the jealousy, the rage and the all consuming anger. I've actually wanted to hit total strangers and people I love because they've got pregnant. I know that the ONLY solution here is to get pregnant and give birth.

But, take a moment. You've said yourself that you're tremendously strong and you are. You have a very solid relationship. Many others would have broken down by now. You are brave and you aren't going to end this because you owe it to your future child to keep going. AND you WILL have a baby because your need and desire is so strong. Oh, and you aren't alone with the wine medication. Not a chance in hell that I'd sleep without it, although I know it isn't the answer.

Please keep talking to us. I know I can't help, but I can and will always listen. xxx

banana87 · 30/10/2010 09:14

Oh emptyshell poor you.

On a practical note:

  1. You can take anti-depressants when you are TTC, and throughtout pregnancy, so your GP is not very clued up. I just started fluoxetine for the same reasons as you, and I have been given tamazepam to help myself sleep (for 2 weeks). I know for a fact Citalopram is a safe anti-depressant to use in pregnancy, so I would go back to (another) GP armed with info and push that area (I think you may need them to chill out--same reason as me).

  1. You have had two consecutive miscarriages. This DOES NOT mean you will have more. I myself have had two consecutive and was convinced I would have more, and I may, but the chance goes from 5% (2 consecutive) to 1% (three or more consecutive). So don't go in with a negative PMA, go in with "It will probably work this time and even if it doesn't at least I will be referred for investigations".

I really hope your GP will first give you the help you need on the depression front, and second, that you will have a happy and healthy pregnancy soon after.
starkadder · 30/10/2010 15:15

I also wanted to sympathise, emptyshell. I had 2 MCs before my DS and it was very hard. But then I had DS. I've had 2 more MCs since and would really, really love to have another baby - but still - I'd go through it all again to have him - don't give up.

pippoltergeist · 30/10/2010 15:28

You are having a terrible time, and I think you need some RL support to get through it. It sounds as though your GP is pretty useless and you don't mention how your DP is coping. Have you tried contacting the Miscarriage Association?

I've had a series of early miscarriages over the years.

What helped me, was realising that I wanted/needed to commemorate my lost children. I had a bit of a collapse around the due date of my first pregnancy (hadn't realised the date until I looked back with hindsight). In the end, I wrote myself a letter detailing what had happened and when and then bought myself a small piece of jewellery in remembrance.

Now I have charms on my charm bracelet for all my babies, those I lost and those who live.

lissieloucifer · 30/10/2010 15:31

emptyshell, my lovely. you have been through an awful lot in a very short time, its no wonder you are struggling and full of rage.

your gp is talking utter bollocks. go back with dp if you must and tell him/her that if they refuse to help you will issue a formal complaint with the PCT, the medical board and speak to every newspaper in the uk. you can take sertraline while ttc, and when you get up the pole again you can work with a counsellor to manage it. it is still very, VERY raw at the moment, Ive been there. when i had my second mc I was suicidal. but only you can decide whether you want to continue, the odds of you going onto a full term pg are still very good. but you do need to address your depression one way or another, did you have an appointment with a consultant? can you call the clinic and ask about specialist counselling?

sotough · 30/10/2010 21:07

hi empty i remember all your other threads, and in particular, the issue with your weight.
if i recall right, you are still pretty young (about 34 i think?) so time is very much on your side. since there is such a strong link between being overweight and miscarriage, can you pour as much as possible of your anger and misery into getting into amazing shape? it's just something practical you could do, which would massively boost your self confidence AND your chances of conceiving? remember you got pregnant after losing weight, so there's a brilliant incentive.
i understand a lot of your feelings, though i am luckier than you in that i had a son before my own personal miscarriage hell began.
i just want to offer you one bit of hope from my own story - i kept going, despite feeling almost as bleak as you at times, through four miscarriages, and finally, a pregnancy seems to have stuck. (please God. I don't take anything for granted.) I'm now 29 weeks pregnant. And i'm older than you. We had almost given up all hope and were investigating surrogacy. all is NOT lost for you, even if it feels like it.

emptyshell · 30/10/2010 21:19

No chance of counselling, if I complain with the GP he'll stop supporting me with the weight loss and I'll be left at the mercy of doctors who think shouting and yelling at people helps them to lose weight (not joking - another one did do that to me).

GP is normally good - but seems to be determined to punish me for not giving up on having a successful pregnancy by withholding ANY support for the depression which has really reached crippling levels. I've even told him that I've had sucidal thoughts - he just threated to section me if I said that again.

OP posts:
brokeoven · 30/10/2010 21:27

Just wanted to say hello to you as i have felt how you felt after 5 mcs.
Like you i made every effort to lose weight, stopped drinking alcohol, everything decaf, vitamins blah blah blah.

But whats the point.

It seems that every one around me "falls pregnant" and go on to have several babies and here i am.

But after my last mc, last December i made a decision.

I would get back up and give it one last shot. 11 negatives pregnancy tests later, still giving it that last shot i have hope in my heart that it will happen for me. I do not allow doubt to enter my mind.

After each mc, i let myself go and sink. Not this time.

Its what keeps me going tbh.
You are not alone x

lovemysleep · 31/10/2010 17:15

Sorry that you are having such an awful time - my heart goes out to you.

You say that there is no chance of counselling - can I ask why? I had 3 mc's, followed by a hideous depression, and even though I took antidepressants, I think they are more of a sticking plaster - counselling pulled me through - I dealt with the grief, and feel much more positive now - despite having a 4th mc.I understand how you feel about your sister-in-law, as the exact same thing as happened to me twice, and there are times that I feel like she has my babies.

Go to a different GP - get those antidepressants, because you need them. But please consider counselling - you sound like you need to talk to a professional who can help you move forward.

Take care x

KTRace · 31/10/2010 19:57

I am sorry you are having such a crappy time too, I have been meaning to post since yesterday morning but am pretty much a wreck myself having also just had my 2nd MC and not having properly stopped bleeding after 7 weeks (nearly 8 now, sigh).

I have gone and asked my GP for counselling which I have now been referred for, I know it will take a while to actually start it but I know that I need it. I am shocked that your GP doesn't think you need it, no matter what you decide to do in the future. If you were to decide to stop TTC (which he seems to be asking you to do) why on earth does he not think that you would need someone to talk it through with? That is why I am going I need someone to help me deal with TTC and the potential that perhaps I should stop, I need ways to cope to allow me to lead a normal life and it sounds like you do too. Have you asked your GP for counselling?

With regard to due dates, they are shit but I found that once you are past them it gets easier. It will be difficult until your SIL has the baby but I have found it easier once they have arrived because they are not your baby (IYSWIM)

Again I am so very sorry that you (we) are going through this. xx

kat2504 · 31/10/2010 22:09

I would also recommend you change your GP.Depression is a crippling illness and you really sound like you could do with some counselling and perhaps some medication.

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 07:36

Thanks guys - sorry we're ALL in this boat because it's shit.

Can't change GP because it's the only one that will help, rather than yell at, me over the weight loss thing. It's really not an option - he's good on that sort of thing, just seems to have this evil "I will not help but if you complain I'll threaten to get you sectioned" line on mental health. I KNOW it's depression, I've been there before (regularly - I'm actually pretty sure there's a seasonal link to it as the freefall starts about end of September most years)

This is the worst I've known it, worse than when I ended up having a breakdown over shit going on at work... which led to the weight gain - funny and quite ironic how the out of control behaviour of the children of others led to the circumstances meaning I can't have my own kids really... I guess I really did give that crowd of, I'm going to be honest here - they were brats (had one bring a knife to school, one who would smash up the classroom if he didn't get a sticker, another one who was a sweet kid - just on the verge of being lost that I was busting my backside to try to keep on the right side of morality, and another who was just a very sly bully among other edited highlights in that class from hell) and I almost destroyed myself trying to protect those kids who wanted to learn without being walloped... ate to comfort myself, and, ironically, got thrown away by the school in question without so much as a goodbye in assembly.

I can't blame what that school did to me too much - I've always been an overly anxious, very driven and perfectionist person, and depression runs very very strongly in my family (my nan ended up in a psychiatric hospital on more than one occasion, my mother, of course, is perfection and will deny that it's ever touched her when in reality she's only kidding herself on that front). Stupid thing is, for a long time, I vowed to have no kids at all - to try to let the family line die out because of all this... then met a wonderful man who just shook up my world in a very enjoyable way. Life just seems set to repeatedly kick us in the teeth - and the medical profession (apart from the bods at the EPU who cared, well as much as they've got the time available to care) just doesn't care because they just see a fat woman to be lambasted and harrassed and bullied and punished. GP, I'm sure, actually sees me like that - but he at least is the first one I've come across who pretends not to... I've actually had doctors before that who've yelled at me in the surgery about my weight - when I'd only gone in for a smear test! - to the point where I put off registering for a doctor when we moved for at least a year for fear of being blasted again.

OP posts:
oncemoreintothebreach · 01/11/2010 07:59

Is travelling to a GP surgery an option? Maybe switching surgeries and laying your cards on the table at the first appointment might make them realise you are serious about TTC, weight loss and needing counselling.

They should support you, and you are definitely not getting the support you need. Your GP can't threaten to section you, it's not just his decision, other agencies need to be involved.

The best thing that has helped me out of depressive slumps (which include 3 sections, suicide attempts and self harm) is exercise. Cycling/swimming are brilliant for me as they are low impact and really mood boosting.

This may come across as patronising and I'm sure you know it already but honestly, hopefully it'll help clear you head.

Good luck, the pain you're in is alomost unbearable sometimes but I'm living proof you can come out the other end.

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 08:40

Yeah - I finally made it back to the gym at the weekend, it did help taking some of the utter rage out on the treadmill to be honest. I wish I could swim, but some comedian's scheduled the adult swimming at ridiculous times for people who work, or head-to-head with mum and baby swimming in the other pool, not sure I'm ready to deal with that right now.

Sectioning is my greatest fear to be honest, because I fear that once I'm labelled with that it would remove my ability to work at all (I'm doing a heavily reduced load of supply at the moment just to keep some money coming in) and the GP knows that - hence the threats to shut me up trying to get some help.

Come close to the self harm to be honest - it's something I think about a heck of a lot of the time, and I have done in the past. Like I say - I know the warning signs with me, and I know how my thinking becomes distorted with depression and I know I'm there to the point of thinking in mixed up ways... and that's before all the anger, jealousy and the really un-socially acceptable thoughts miscarriage can bring to you kick in.

Poor Brownie group I've deserted for pushing 2 months now and feel guilty as sin about that too, just can't deal with that along with everything else at the moment. Dreading Christmas, then Jan brings due date number 1... April due date number 2 and SIL's arrival... and SIL is going to be unbearable as a worthy mummy - she's that sort of attention seeker to start with and constantly belittles my poor hubby. I'm actually slightly suspicious she only started trying for a kid after our first MC because she couldn't bear the idea of her brother giving the adored grandchild to the family first to be honest... she's that kind of person.

1 hour's sleep last night - hey ho.

OP posts:
oncemoreintothebreach · 01/11/2010 09:24

Can you distance yourself from SIL for a while? Back out of family obligations or just nod and smile in the right places then start a conversation with someone else?

The Brownie group will understand and the Brownies will adapt. Would you feel comfortable with just popping in with some craft bits then leaving? Then at least you're still 'in the loop'.

WRT you due dates I'm very, very sorry and not sure there's anything practical I can say. I'm very much a bury-my-head-in-the-sand type of person so what helps me probably won't help you.

Have you tried calling Samaritans or similar? I think you need a referal to you CMHT to be honest.

All the luck in the world.

KTRace · 01/11/2010 10:15

empty I am so very sorry you are having a shit time.

I know it isn't ideal and it is expensive but have you thought about private counselling?

Personally, I have pushed my work back to start in 2011 (I contract so am able to do that) as I think I can not cope with any more stress. Brownie's - forget it, you are too stressed to worry about it now, they will be fine, you need to concentrate on yourself.

We are sadly in a dark, dark place. But please don't self harm, you have a fabulous husband, I do too, and I try and think of all the reasons why I need to sort myself out.

You need coping mechanisms to get you through this, I am sure you know that. What I am doing is planning things that I can look forward to. I know xmas is going to be hard for me but I am trying to plan and enjoy that part of it to get control over it IYSWIM.
Then the new year is going to be tough so am planning a weekend away with DH.
Then a week with my parents in the summer and a holiday with my DH and DD.
I find I am spending money like it is going out of fashion, it helps for a little bit, this way I will have the nicest furniture in the world.
I am waffling, I am sorry, I don't know how we will get through this but we will, slowly, day by day. xx

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 10:23

Yeah - I've spent a fortune too. We're in the middle of buying a house (this place has brought nothing but bad luck - I'll never live in number 13 again!) so hopefully when that gets sorted in the next few weeks it'll be something to focus on to move on from all this stuff. Just hard that it's been in solicitor induced limbo for weeks, so we're sat surrounded by boxes, in limbo ourselves - which isn't the feeling we need right now.

Brownies I'm going to pop down to tonight just to let them know I'm ok - I can't deal with going at the moment, but feel guilty that I've been chucking calls to voicemail like crazy.

Just seems to be an endless rain of shit - car failures, miscarriages, more car failures, miscarriages, SIL being pregnant and in-laws being unbearable over it, very dear family friend almost dying... just hasn't stopped throwing crap at us for a good few years, and there's only so much even the strongest of us (and I'm made of pretty strong) can cope with. Rang my mum in desperation the other week - wanted to run away from it all, and we all want to run to our mums when it gets too much - she just blasted me as "chucking a hissy fit" - she's never supportive over emotional stuff and just made me feel an utter wreck. I'm closer to my MIL but she's all grandchilded up to the eyeballs so it feels like it's me and hubby against the world basically... correction, me, hubby and a wonky cat against the world.

OP posts:
KTRace · 01/11/2010 10:33

God you are buying a house too. It is stressful as hell but worth it in the end, I often wondered what to do with my time once it was over. Then I MC and now I am all taken up with grief Sad

Anyway, what I wanted to say was moving is pretty stressful, but once it has happened you can busy yourself with making it perfect. There is a lot going on in your life so no wonder it is taking all your energy to keep yourself on this side of sane.

Don't worry about diverting all calls to voicemail, I do too.

bundlebelly · 01/11/2010 10:41

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry things are so shit. Don't give up.
I don't understand the hold the GP has over you. I think you should change to a surgery further away, make a fresh start. This one might be good about the weight loss, but in the scheme of things the weight isn't the problem, whereas the depression is, and childlessness is.
Many thousands of women get pregant and have babies while on antidepressants. You shouldn't be under this pressure.
hugs to you. x

mamadoc · 01/11/2010 10:51

Just on the SIL thing the exact same happened to me SIL due on my 1st MC due date and just to pile on the agony Dsis due on 2nd MC due date.
SIL's baby is now 2 weeks old. I dreaded seeing her and having to pretend I was happy (in laws don't know about our MCs) but it turned out OK.
When I saw the baby she was cute but I didn't feel anything much at all. She was not mine that's all. I actually cried from the relief because I was sure I would be weeping or bottling up rage but I just felt pretty neutral. She's their baby, its not their fault I can't have one. I felt sad that it wasn't us but it was nowhere near as bad as I'd thought.

KTRace · 01/11/2010 10:53

I agree with mamadoc that is exactly how I have felt with people's babies how have been near my due date. Talking about their pregnancies I found much harder to deal with.

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 11:04

Yeah - trouble with my SIL is there's this very strange family dynamic which really makes me quite uncomfortable at times. They're close as a family - but the status quo seems to be that they ALL rip the piss (in a good natured but it gets wearing after a while) out of my hubby. His sister seems to take it to an art form and has a way of turning all gatherings around to be about her (she even managed this at our wedding). She's the sort who WILL be unbearable over this, and quite often when his parents visit, it's ALL "oh your sister's done this this and this" and I'm like "if her life is so fabulous - why aren't you there rather than here ignoring your son, who, while he might not be as shiny or perfect, is a fantastic, kind, funny, warm and gentle man."

Because it's not my family, and not my battle to fight - I bite my tongue, and my MIL is genuinely lovely - but it's becoming like an unspeakable rollercoaster of baby, and it's hell.

Says something when hubby got off the phone after the grand announcement and just said completely flatly "you were right, she's pregnant"... poor guy's face looked grey, and not a lot gets to him.

She's due about 2 weeks before the twins I lost recently are. If she goes late - she could well give birth ON my due date, in fact, I've got a very real feeling she will do - and my instincts are pretty spot-on normally.

I'm already avoiding family get togethers like the plague. Not even making excuses and lying - because why should I hang my head in shame?

Oh and shall we add in my cousin who got pregnant and had a baby recently in order to avoid the benefits bods making her get a job? Was a calculated decision (she'll admit this). The world is so unfair. If this is life... why do we have to go through it? There is no happy ending - they're for princesses in fairytales, and I'd look shite in a pink dress and tiara.

OP posts:
ernestbear · 01/11/2010 12:03

Hi there,
So sorry you are having such a tough time and are feeling so very low.
Have just had my second miscarriage in 6 months and can totally empathise about how hard it is getting out and about when you feel devestated and see pregnant women and newborns everywhere. The due date of my first miscarriage is in Jan as well.I feel incredibly lucky to have DS but yet feel very sad about the loss of my next 2 babies.

In terms of healthcare, leave your surgery - they really do not sound as if they are meeting your physical or emotional health needs at all, even if your current GP is supportive re weight. Any good GP surgery should be supportive about weight issues, and should be supportive about accessing good mental health care. If your GP is unsure about prescribing ADs to someone TTC they should refer you on to the Community Mental Health Team for assessment and advice rather than just saying "no". Although it's not advertised you can self-refer to most CMHTs by calling and speaking with the duty worker.

As you work for education you should also be able to access counselling through your work for free, if you approach your line manager/HR, which could be useful if you are getting nowhere through your GP.

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