Anyone else had a DH/DP who has struggled to cope with their upset following a MC?

[Pinkchampagne]

My DP was great at the start (had MMC discovered at 12 wk scan), but hasn't seemed to have coped so well with the relapses you can get for months following a MC.
I know he feels helpless & wants me back to normal, and I am trying very hard. (Am now having counselling) However, he seems to almost want to escape when I get upset sometimes, and I know he is shocked at how long my emotional recovery is taking.
Sometimes I don't feel he is there for me when I need him most.
Have others had this? Is it quite common?

Hi pinkchampagne
So sorry about your loss, really tough at 12 wks
My OH surprised me with his reactions after my last mc, Ive had 4, all earlier than yours. I always internalise my grief and prefer to deal with it in my own way, in isolation. My OH had never really talked to me about it either so we managed ok. However, after the last one my OH admitted he was really upset and had planned the babys room and everything. I suddenly felt as if I had an entirely new layer of emotions to deal with - mine I could deal with, coping with his as well was much harder, and I was angry about that. The Miscarriage Association gave me a good leaflet called Men and Miscariage which was spot on when it came to understanding his reactions. My advice is to keep communicating about your and his feelings but dont demand things from each other or criticise the way the other is coping. Support and be there for each other but dont let anger or resentment creep in. If you feel you need to talk more than he does then you might find the MA useful...or fellow Mumsnetters of course
Take care

xx

PinkChampagne. Yes, we have all had it, you are not alone. I say that speaking from my own experience which is very similar to yours and thinking of the dozens of women I have spoken to on MN over the last couple of months who say the same. It does seem very common.

Before having suffered a mc I too would have thought that it is the sort of thing you get over in a few weeks, so I can partly understand my DH's incomprehension at how long it is all taking. (only partly, the other part is just annoyed that I am not getting the full support I want!)

Jasmine51 Thanks for mentioning the leaflet, I found it online here, its very good.

I also found reading
this helped

best wishes xxx

Thank you both.
I got very very upset yesterday because I got a bit tearful & DP immediately wanted to leave. (we are not yet living together but will be very soon)This lead to me feeling abandoned & getting a bit hysterical because I couldn't believe my normally very caring DP could be so insensitive.
He has made comments about wanting me back to normal & wanting a quick fix. I am trying as best I can, but feel sometimes he isn't here for me emotionally when I need him & he cannot deal with my ongoing grief. (it has got better, but I still have my dips 6 months on, esp as this was the month it should have been born.)
I know he is finding it hard himself, but I really need him right now & I don't feel fully supported.

Ah much sympathy. The due date must be a really hard time to get through. I'm not up to that point yet but I'm not looking forward to it. Perhaps your DP was also upset about the due date but he is not able to express his feelings and tries to pretend it isn't happening instead. I know what you mean about the dips and relapses, I have them too.
In an ideal world you would get him to be honest about his feelings and his grief with you and work through it together. However, men don't always operate that way do they?
Be clear about what it is you want from him in order to feel supported. Is it that you want him to talk about it or just give you a cuddle and listen when you are upset? Perhaps he feels the need to "fix" the situation which he obviously can't do. If he understands that you just need to be upset sometimes and you don't expect him to solve the problem, just give you a hug and shoulder to cry on for a while, it might make it easier? Often men want to solve problems, but you can't solve a miscarriage. Since it can't be solved it is easier to bury it in the sand perhaps?

Perhaps he is shocked at how long the recovery takes. If I hadn't mc I would be still nicely pregnant now. So it is not surprising that I am still recovering. You are getting through a difficult time that you originally looked forward to with great excitement.
If he knows that he doesn't have to do anything except listen and provide hugs, perhaps he will feel less helpless. If he feels like he has to "do" something, he will feel helpless because there is nothing he can do to take your pain away. I'm sure he would love to take your pain away and see you happy again and he is feeling helpless because he can't do that for you.

How is the councelling going?
For what it's worth my partner talked little about his feelings after the mc. I felt uncomfortable talking about my feelings after the awful first two weeks, but now and then it all comes out after a drink or four. He is always very nice about it but does not really share how he felt at that time. It made me feel alone at the time, but I do know he was trying to hold it together for my sake. Personally, I'd have preferred him to cry with me.

I tried to tell him I needed him to stay until I was a bit calmer, as I know I don't sleep if left upset. He seemed to be adament that he was going home. I was crying & crying. I felt he was ignoring me & wanted to get away from yet more of my upset. I ended up getting a little hysterical in the end & not sleeping at all that night.
I hate what this MC has done to me. I used to be quite a strong person.

Have since discussed Wednesday night with him & he has apologised & said that he will try to be there for me. I just know he finds it all very hard to deal with & I end up feeling guilty for getting upset.

Dont beat yourself up too much. Coping with mc is enormously difficult, nobody prepares us for it in anyway at all and its such a taboo subject still it can be very difficult to talk about and get help when you need it.

I have done the hysterics thing too, I think it was as a result of not really letting my feelings out for a long time, eventually the damn burst and it all came out and my poor DH took most of the brunt. After this I did start to recover properly but I had done a lot of damage to the relationship, its not an ideal coping strategy at all.

Do you feel like you have really allowed yourself to grieve? I cant stress enough how important this is, to really acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel sad, angry, guilty whatever it is. Holding it all in any way makes recovery so much harder.
I also found that talking to people who had been through it was the only real solace. Everyone else, including DH just didnt really understand. MN has been tremendously helpful but so has talking to other women in RL who have been through it.

Hope you are able to get the support you need, do keep posting on here if it helps

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yes,my DP was very understanding at the beginning,as the time passed by and I mentioned that again he said"just get over it".I felt hurt,never said anything but later felt angry-it was my (our)child.Men...sometimes they get more emotional over bloody football!

I feel like I have been grieving for quite a while (found out about MC 6 months ago), but I do try to hold it in & force myself back to the happier person I was before, as I know this is what DP wants.
I seem to go a few weeks at a time before I have another dip, but I feel I should be over it more by now, or at least I feel that is what people (DP included) expect.

I can see now why they say a MC can put enormous strain on a relationship. It is a really tough thing for a couple to get through & it is so easy to get angry because you don't feel properly supported.

The counselling is helpful, in that she really gets my feelings. It is still early days though, as only had 4 sessions, and the sessions can be tough.

I hate what this MC has done to me.

I had a MC 20yrs ago. I hadn't wanted to get pregnant but was devastated when i MC at 9wks.DH was away at the time and never really believed what had happened.It was a good 6 or 7 months before i started to feel like myself. We're now the very proud parents of a much loved and wanted 4yr old. Whilst pregnant with DD we talked about it all and he accepted that I'd been through a rough time unsupported by him.