Possibly sensitive - I want to ask what you think about when the terms miscarriage and stillbirth are applied.

[NothereisnobodylurkingbehindU]

I've been thinking about this for a while and I just want to get a sense of what others think. I have two friends who have lost children in uterine deaths. One was in late pregnancy and the other at 20 weeks. Both those children have a place in those families, they have names and graves and many tears have been shed over both. But one is termed a miscarriage and the other in stillbirth and tbh I don't see how that is a useful distinction to make. Both families have suffered a terrible loss and we, their friends, should remember both. I notice from a bit of a google that the term 'stillbirth' is very rarely used in the USA - they use fetal death instead. That seems to me to be a much better term though I can't quite think why. That term could be used for loss at all gestations and you'd avoid the implication that is there in our culture I think - that a miscarriage is less serious than a stillbirth and a stillbirth is less serious than the death of a child. There is an implied hierachy that is in fact a nonsense - and you can see it's a nonsense when you see people suffering such loss. Anyway I'd be glad to know what other people think - and if there is strong feeling that I will message MNHQ and see if they can pass it along.
I hope that nobody minds me asking this - it's been on my mind a lot. If people do mind though please post and say so and I'll ask for this to be removed.

This is turning a bit into loss top trumps in my mind. It's also a bit dismissive of those who've had earlier losses - as if they're somehow fraudulent or similar and haven't "properly" lost something because they didn't have a bump, or kicks or similar - that's a feeling we get badly enough anyway, we don't need our noses rubbed in it anymore on here thank you.

The term I'd love to have obliterated from the face of the earth isn't miscarriage or stillbirth... it's bloody "products of conception" (and ERPC) - THAT one's offensive, totally dismissive of what you've lost and greatly upsetting. It's one I challenged and requested them not to use in front of me - they struggled to do so but did try... figure if we've got all this respecting different patients going on - about time I called in some of that respect.

Yes, that is a horrible term.

Oh dear - 'loss top trumps' was exactly what I wanted to avoid.

ERPC - horrible term.

Nothereetc - don't think you've started a loss top trumps - don't feel bad. Can't really see how it's possible to compete over such a horrible thing. Any kind of babyloss is just terrible but it seems obvious that the further along your loss is the worse it is. You've had longer to bond with your baby and it's going to be harder to let go of both physically and emotionally.

I can only imagine how awful it must be to lose a baby at or close to term as 2 friends of mine have. Having said that my sister has had 2 mcs at 6 and 9 weeks and and equally feels what she's been through is nowhere near what I have.

I suppose it's like losing your parents - it's a horrible painful loss at any age but much "worse" with more painful effect if it happens in your twenties, and even worse if you're a teen and worst of all if you're still a child.

I lost my first baby at almost 42 weeks and my second pregnancy resulted in a blighted ovum, picked up at 10 weeks. There is no comparrison for me. The pain of losing Laura, my first child, was horrendous. I will never get over her death. The missed miscarriage or blighted ovum was a set back on the road to a live baby. I know others feel differently and each to their own, but for me there was a huge difference.

I lost my firstborn DS to cot death at 11 weeks 6 days.

I've often wondered about whether the loss would've been easier to bear if he had been stillborn instead. Would it have been better not to have got to know him? Is my loss greater because my DS lived for a short time, than not knowing my baby at all?

I think the loss of any baby/child is really upsetting, at any stage. It is STILL a loss and I don't think my grief is more valid than anyone elses.

It is unquantifiable Orangeflutie, that's an excellent post.
So sorry about your baby

I had 4 miscarriages, each at 12 weeks. After my first mscarriage my friends made such insensitive comments about it not being anything more than a blob etc that I didn't even tell them of my subsequent pregnancies which all sadly ended just at the 3 month scan period. They were not blobs - if you have ever held your 3 month old foetus in the palm of your hand you will know exactly what I mean - well on the way to being a fully formed human being. I can hardly bear thinking about it.

I think of all 4 of them as my lost babies. I've got to stop now as such painful memories are flooding back.

To clarify, I did not dismiss or invalidate anyone elses grief over a miscarriage. I can only speak from my own experience. And in my experience the loss of my daughter at full term was infinitely worse than my missed miscarriage.