Missed Miscarriage of Baby B

[May2011Baby]

Just over a week ago I was doing cartwheels in my head over the fact that there were two confirmed heartbeats at my 7 wk sono. IVF had finally worked and everything looked good. However, a week later at my 8 week sono, discovered there was now only one heartbeat. And ever since, I am devastated. My OB, my husband, my family & friends all want to focus on the healthy baby A who has a strong heartbeat. But for some reason, I cannot get over the loss of Baby B. I am depressed, have removed all emotional connection to Baby A, and cry at least once a day that my dream of twins is gone. Many IVF patients would be thankful for one baby, which makes me feel even worse about the grief, but I simply cannot ignore the fact that this miscarriage has left me feeling depressed, angry and very negative. When most women want to take extra care of themselves in this situation, I find myself thinking, it doesn't matter, I have no control over it. This pregnancy simply doesn't feel right anymore. What is worse is after losing Baby B, I have no pregnany symptoms at all when I used to be nauseated, hungry, and tired all the time. I read so many posts of women being thankful they still have one healthy baby after a twin miscarriage, why don't I feel that way at all? Instead, all I feel is the grief of my loss and then the guilt for the negative feelings I have. How can I be depressed over being pregnant when I tried for so long to get pregnant? I am so desperate for help.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Guilt and anger are very normal responses to grief so dont apologise for anything you are feeling, just go with it and let it out in anyway that feels right for you. Add to that some pregnancy hormones thrown into the mix is no small thing to deal with. You must acknowledge your loss, allow yourself to grieve and to deal with your feelings of sadness in your own timeframe.

It must seem very logical for everyone to want to console you by getting you to think about the positives you have, but you really need to chose to do this when you are ready and not be pressured. Its OK to take some time now to acknowledge your loss and they way it makes you feel.

You might find reading this helpful to know that what you are feeling is perfectly common.

You will bond with your baby when you are ready, I'm sure xxxx

So sorry for your loss

I think the feelings you are having are very normal, you lost your baby, who was irreplaceable. I see that other people (who perhaps have not themselves been through a miscarriage) might think that focussing on positive things will make it better, but you need time to grieve for your loss.

And don't feel bad about feeling bad!! I've heard a lot of people say after a miscarriage "oh well, at least you have x number of other healthy children" - which is kind of a similar thing to focus on, but again, doesn't make it any easier to deal with the loss you are facing.

Give yourself time, and take it easy on yourself. And keep coming back online here for support, there are lots of lovely ladies here who can relate to your loss. Big hugs.

different situation but a good friend of mine had to terminate a pregnancy at 22weeks when her 20 week scan (had at 21 weeks) showed her baby girl had spina bifida and brain damage - her choices were wait to MC or have them intervene and bring it to an end faster.

I am/was 5 weeks behind her and for some reason I felt so sad for her that I lost interest in my own baby and felt negative about my pregnancy and guilty to be still pregnant

I am glad to say this friend helped me to stop it and start enjoying and being happy again for my own child - I am now 32 weeks and while still get scared it could still go wrong I love it to bits.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the loss of a baby even when it wasnt my own even was so profound no doubt because like you there are all those hormones swirling around you that the impact was so strong.

as the others have said you are grieving from the one that wont be because Baby B was your little one too. I think you should accept that.

However Baby A has lost a sibling/womb buddy and needs you too - I might suggest that perhaps part of your reaction to Baby A is the fear that he/she may leave as well as you are protecting yourself? I think that may have been abit of what I was doing in my case.

you need time to sort through your feelings but you also need to find some faith in Baby A - I went out and (as I though bravely) bought my baby a toy - it was my way of standing up for my baby and showing my belief in it.

Its only been a week - dont give yourself such a hard time - bless you and Baby A x

Thank you for the article link. Everyone is right, I just need to give myself more time and to stop feeling bad about feeling bad.